Voyage

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Hi.

Currently on my first cruise with my best friend and her family. Would usually have my obligatory post to reflect on the previous year but couldn’t due to work and getting ready for my trip. And now here I am. Lowkey kind of nervous being this high up on the deck while it’s breezy. But it really feels nice. Gets my reflective juices running ya know?

To begin, Im finally a homeowner. I guess many would say it’s about time. Having to learn a lot of home repair and maintenance isn’t fun but I guess if I want to maintain it and not let the house go to ruin like my mom’s house then I better get my act together. My dog definitely loves his new home. More room to run around in. More rooms to follow me like a shadow to. And no worries about the apartment downstairs so he can play to his heart’s content.

Met a few new people within the past year that I could call my friends, at least on my end. Been more social this year but I really need to get out of my shell, completely. I was able to lose a lot of weight only to gain half of it back again. But we’re back on the wagon. Well, that is after this cruise….

Never seen water so blue. Swam (or rather waddled) in it for the first time. And maybe this is a start for more adventures to come. See the azure waters of the world. After the Caribbean, maybe Europe next. Hawaii? Somewhere in Asia? Or Australia?

More to come.

Wrong timing, right people

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Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about how we tend to form bonds with others. Difficult to quantify and probably impossible to even do so, I can’t help but try to. We’ve all been there: new place, new people, trying to find your friend circle, trying to find a place you can feel at ease and be yourself. You see folks with the same hobbies as you. Maybe you share the same ethnic background, the same political stances. Music and movies and anything of pop culture is also what we try to use. And yet, sometimes when we do find said people, they’re reluctant to welcome you in or just simply not interested.

But we aren’t entitled to their time and effort.

There’s such a finite amount of time in a day, and as we grow through phases of life, we tend to reserve that time for the people that we do care about. There simply isn’t any more room for any more guests. Nothing against you or them, no one is at fault, there just aren’t any vacancies at the moment. Some people have such enriched and full lives, some are still yearning to find said enrichment of their own.

And yet sometimes when you least expect it, a vacancy pops up and now you’re boarding, wondering how long the duration of your stay will be.

Then there’s the part of me that I thought had died, not wanting to ever feel the sharpness of that pain again. I tried to subdue it, and still am trying to. But Im happy. Im glad to feel this feeling again. I expect nothing out of it. But it’s the feeling of knowing that Im still capable of that emotion. It’s warm. It’s exciting, yet still scary. If love is what killed me, only love can bring me back. But I’ll need to be able to accept it, and also accept that I can still be killed over and over again. It all just takes one, right?

Even butterflies make graves their home.

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Sometimes, it’s just the very thought of the possible that’s enough. Even if something doesn’t sprout fruit, just the very idea of planting the seeds and hoping for the best is all you need.

Whether we entertain the idea that it could be possible or not, at the very least, it’s entertaining.

Isn’t it?

Cadence

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It feels like I really put at most 2 or 3 posts on this site per year, to justify the annual cost of whatever WordPress’ premium membership is to keep the flayedsyntax domain name. I do like it, so, I guess it is whatevs huh?

On that note, my pup has grown so big now. It really was an impulsive decision and I regretted it the first month, but in the end, that big nosed brat brings a sense of responsibility that I really needed. You don’t find dogs, dogs find you huh?

At the library as I type this up. Library, can you believe it? Even though I decided to drop my last graduate program, waiting to get into another one this fall. And finally doing full stack development again. It’s funny just how chaotic and uncertain careers can be.

But it’s the fact that Im surrounded by people that care and push me to be the best I can be. To have emotional support from people that really want the best from and out of you.

Eyesight is still getting worse. Possibly leading to another set of surgeries. Funny how things get clearer when the path to it get foggier.

Hops

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And just like that, I jumped to my 4th company since making that leap of faith a year and a half ago. Not intentional but I can’t argue my salary increasing every time. Funny enough, my previous company reached out to me asking if I’d like to return and promised me an even higher salary. But it’s getting to the point where it’s not really about the money, but rather the people Im surrounded with. The heartbeat of the company matters, too. I used to think as long as I get paid, I’ll be happy but the ethical and moral issues I have with the company does bother me. At this point, my stress levels matter more than a slight bump. But I guess we all have our price point. If it allows me to take care of my mom so she’d never work again, I’d be foolish not to accept such an offer. As long as I can look myself in the mirror and am happy with what I see.

Imposter syndrome has been something I’ve been trying to cope with the past year. After all, being stuck in the same environment for almost a decade, it’s hard to see myself doing well when I feel what I do is easier than what I’m used to. Being seen as a SME in my new locale but not feeling it, I need to find that perfect balance between humility and confidence. But it’s just not me, and I know this feeling is the reason why I held myself back for years. Thankfully, I’ve met wonderful people who have been instrumental in getting my confidence up. Thanks to her, I joined a company full of wonderful people who have done nothing but help me and instill confidence in me.

Being part of a bigger group that you care about makes you want to improve. So I’ve finally decided to continue my Masters degree starting next semester. Even though several places have expressed their desire to recruit me and I’d probably get a higher salary, it’s my wish to help build and grow with this company. I have 7 classes left with my Masters and who knows, the world of academia is a potential, post-workforce avenue I’d like to explore, maybe get into research, look into a PhD and teach. But for now, getting my Masters, getting certifications for other platforms is one sure way to take my skills and prestige to the next level.

Not saying I’m now a gym rat but damn, I’ve got to give it to people that work out consistently. Thankfully my friend keeps me accountable. Im starting to get the hang of how to do certain workouts, got workout gear, those heavy ass Bowflex adjustable dumbbells and errthang. Im still chickenshit and too socially awkward to go to the gym by myself but luckily shes a gym rat so I go multiple times a week anyways. Works out (pun intended).

Still funny how things worked out. She was the first person I talked to after the move but never really got close with or talked to. And just like that, within a span of a year, she’s become one of the main drivers of the changes in my life and career. Introducing me to great people and a great company. The most social I’ve been ever and it’s thanks to her. She doesn’t understand how much I appreciate her and that she’s entered a very restricted club where I’d do whatever to takes to protect the happiness of her, her significant other and close friends and family.

There’s things still left that I need answers for but we can save those for next year.

One Year Later

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It seems like time is just passing by so quickly. Just renewed my lease for another year. And finally my entire apartment is furnished. Funny enough, my previous apartment is a tad bit bigger but I’ve only really furnished the bedroom. Not saying I’m an interior designer or anything. After all, everything is kind of gray. Neutral. Neutral everywhere.

Recently jumped to another company. Once you did it once, it’s going to be easier to do it again and again until you find a place you’d like to stay at. But it got me thinking. Is starting my own company in the cards? In the past, I’ve always said I preferred to never be in a leadership role. Get me to a position where you can depend on me but I don’t want to be in the spotlight. And even up until recently, I’ve always said “I can be a Vice Captain but not the Captain.” I can always step up when needed but prefer to still hang back.

But I’ve been slightly annoyed at how things are. Even if I gain clout, what good is it if I’m simply just a worker bee? The past year I’ve continuously inserted myself into conversations I wasn’t invited to. My name now gets pulled into important conversations and discussions. Im seen as a SME and have been building up my brand. But do I have the personality and drive to be any more than just a skilled developer?

At least I’m entertaining the idea of it now.

But I can’t say all my demons have been extinguished. There are days where I simply am not productive. Rather than sit at home and study, I’m considering to do some extracurriculars that can do some good. Trying to find some stuff on the side to do on the weekends and possibly weeknights. Such as volunteering for a good cause.

Between my career, getting in shape, finding productive use of my time, I look forward to where the road leads.

Vegas trip next month. Lit.

Cascade

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Personally, it’s usually never one deep stab that hurts the most but a multitude of pricks that just carve out one’s heart. Because when we get to that point, we ask ourselves why are we even in this situation in the first place. We constantly repeat the pain, we constantly repeal our conviction to walk away. It’s never easy to accept that sometime this simply isn’t for us.

Because we believe in others. We believe we can tolerate things that we never should have accepted to begin with. Can you truly help others if they can’t help themselves? Maybe we’re different, we’re the missing key to whatever will unlock the chains that binds others? Little did we know we free others only to find ourselves shackled by a fate worse than theirs.

But we always believe, right? Always have to.

Drive

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Sometimes all it takes is to lose something, or simply the threat of losing something to snap you out of it. After 3 eye surgeries, I started the year with a vision (no pun intended). For the first time in 11 years, during my annual review, I spoke up. I want to get to the next level. There were a lot of projects I was looking forward to, some in the making for years. I felt underpaid. Underappreciated. Undervalued. And with the risk of my eyes faltering even more, I didn’t have the luxury of waiting to see if I get what I deserved, what I feel I rightfully earned. I told my boss straight up that I know my value on the market, but I was scared. I really was ready to settle. All it would take for them to keep me was barely a 10% raise.

…..I wasn’t expecting to have moved to a new state, found a new job, and having almost a doubled salary.

In hindsight, I needed it. The fear was that they’ll give me the raise I wanted. Because I was afraid of change. I would miss all the close friends that I work with for almost a decade. But it didnt pan out that way. Barely a 2% raise and that I needed to “prove” that I was valuable. Yet they gave the title/promotion I wanted to someone who has 10% of my technical expertise. It was then that I snapped. Even though my boss said they would match any offer, I no longer wanted to be there.

After spending many nights past midnight, always given the hardest projects, trailblazed a lot of new functionality into their ecosystem, I was not valued. And I thank them for being consistent. Because just like a toxic relationship that’s hard to let go, so was my reluctance to leave a company that was all I have known. One night, I decided to test the market and let my resume loose into the world.

It was the best decision I have made in a long time.

Going through the interview process, realizing that unlike being a fresh grad, I myself had the power, the leverage to choose my own destiny. And maybe it’s because I was so entrenched by all of the hardships and difficult projects one after another that I failed to realize just how much experience I’ve amassed over the years. Still deep down, I was scared. I’ve never known anything besides what was within the walls of a single company. But I was also intrigued by what is out there. And once I’ve done once, the next time wouldn’t be as difficult or late.

Moving into my new apartment, having new people in my life, experiencing new challenges, I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. But it wasn’t simply just the new space and scenery that makes me happy. I didnt want to move and quit on bad terms. Wholeheartedly, I was angry. I was fucking furious. Even though everyone but 3 people knew just how much I was valued, management was too blind to see it. And maybe it was on me because Im the type to not flaunt or flex my accomplishments. I also dont speak up and played the role of the “company guy.” It wasn’t on them completely. I have a lot of the blame too. And thinking back, I wouldn’t be where I am today or as skilled as I am today without the chance to have learned there. To have had amazing people to learn from, work with, and also mentor.

But I dont know what’s in store for me. Knowing that I already have another cataract in my other eye, not knowing if there’s more complications with my left eye. For now, all I can do is enjoy this peaceful transition to this new chapter in my life. Because there’s nothing else I can do other than just keep pushing the pace, keeping my foot on the gas and simply drive forward.

But I do know sometimes it’s best to be on cruise control for a little while.