I don’t know why I decided to drink last night and expect to think, head hurts like crazy….

I work as a ServiceNow developer but have, over the years, been considering a career change/shift. The platform is in high demand, landing a job anywhere is possible. Problem is, it was never (and never going to be) what I saw myself doing. I’m a gamer, first and foremost. It’s my escape from reality, when reality was terrible. To me, the real world was boring and ugly, at least, to me as a kid. RPGs are my favorite. Dragons, ancient artifacts, magic, danger, love… all aspects I enjoyed (and the fact that the playtime value > $). So it’s what I wanted to do, like so many programmers out there, to go into game development. But making wrong decisions in college, put me on a different path.

A comfortable one, at least. It has a high ceiling. Lot’s of opportunities. But why am I not happy? I mean, I’m content. I can buy wagyu steaks. I can afford to p2w in f2p MMOs. Trips? Yeah. The work itself is satisfying, on some days. And some days I just question why Im doing the type of work I do. Why did I settle? I always thought it was too late to change, that I’m far too old. Just stick to what I know and do well. Maybe in another life, I can do what I love. Next time.

The past 3 months have been pure hell. I got out of a toxic relationship that I stubbornly and foolishly tried to hang on to. The crux of the fall out, funny enough, is the fact that she was depressed she couldn’t do what she wanted for her career. I was broken. Destroyed. I gave it my all, gave it all, and got nothing. Nothing. I literally died inside. I chased someone who didnt give two shits about me. That lust was far more important than the past three and a half years.

I didnt see it was toxic up until now. We traveled. We laughed, a lot. She lived with me. We were passionate. Yeah, I paid every time. Gave her money when she needed a new car. When she didnt have enough money to pay her bills, again. Yeah, she never spent time with me 90% of the time she lived with me. Yeah, while she did have time for her friends she’s always sleeping in for me. Even I told her that Im fine doing 90% all the time, just meet me with 10%. I barely got 5%.

It was toxic. I realize that now. We fought only a few times, which is why I thought it wasnt. But I was drained. I was tired doing it all. And yet, I settled for that type of relationship because I didnt want to be alone. That I thought everything was going to be OK, because I know what I can do, for us. Im the sword. The shield. The armor. The staff. Ill take all roles, because I loved her so much. Being tossed to the side the way I was, destroyed my self esteem. It was the lowest I’ve ever felt, and certain thoughts came creeping back in.

Slowly, I crawled away. I mustered the strength to finally turn my back on this torture, that I willingly endured. I began working on myself again, I needed to love myself. The plus side of being utterly destroyed, the foundations broken, is that you can build again. I lost a significant amount of weight. I became far more active. My self-esteem started coming back. No, I never had it in the first place, just lied and wore a mask. She tested me, but I finally was strong enough to realize the truth and rejected it.

Goodbye.

And as if it was fate, I met someone the very next day. Rather, I got to know someone who I knew of more than a year ago. I didnt think much of it at first. I found out we were so alike. In both recent experiences, troubled past, how we give so much and yet come out empty handed. We talked for hours, and it was so comfortable, as if we’ve talked to each other for years. Scary even. I’ve never connected with someone so quickly, on such a level before. The more I got to know her, the more I got to know myself, or maybe remember things about myself that I’ve forgotten.

Like how ambitious I used to be. I never settled as a kid. I aimed for the top, not the middle. My artistic side, one that I shelved, came back. I enjoyed showing her what I wrote. She enjoys reading them. Meeting someone that is so like you, you want to match them. She’s a hard worker, dedicated, determined, and accomplished. She made me see all the good in me. And then it happened.

Sparks.

I barely knew what she looked like. It didn’t matter. Her personality, her drive, her strength, her soul. Simply amazing. I started falling, and I didnt want to brace myself. When I did find out how she looked, stunned. Those eyes. Pictures do no justice on just how gorgeous they are. Yet, it’s those very eyes that I want to help change. While she does so much for me already, I believe I can help her see things differently. That she can trust someone. To have faith in someone. And maybe, just maybe, if the stars align, what it feels to love and be loved.

It happened too fast, and too soon. Relax a bit. Slow down. We have time.

I agree.

Im just glad I found her. Whether or not that string is connected to her is irrelevant. If it’s meant to be, we’ll find out. She’s my muse. My reflection. The ocean between us doesn’t matter. I’ll do my best, continue to improve. For me.

I stared at the ocean for an hour last weekend, letting the waves crash against me. Then and there, I decided to pursue what I always wanted to do: game development. It’s daunting, where do I begin? What ideas could I possibly have that’s worthwhile? Music? Graphics? PC? Mobile? So many questions.

One foot forward. One step. Other foot forward. Two steps. All I can do, and just by taking these two steps, Im already further than I’ve ever been  at this dream all my life.

I created this blog a few years ago. But was emotionally drained. Ive been reinvigorated. This was initially to post my thoughts, my feelings, my poetry but I’ve started this to also post about how my pursuit of game development is progressing. This pursuit, I dont know just yet if it’s for money or simply so I dont have any regrets.

 

I hope you all enjoy this pursuit with me.

 

 

Especially you.