I believe one of my strengths is my analytical skills, especially when it comes to people and reading the situation. I’m able to gauge the scene, the atmosphere and with a clear mind can act accordingly. I can see the “unseen” or the not so obvious. This is why I give pretty sound advice and am usually not mixed in frivolous drama. The downside is when my mind isn’t clear, when depression or anger is added to the equation, this trait works against me. People do erratic actions when they aren’t their usual selves.

When you have an itch, don’t you just want to scratch it? When you have that rumble in your belly, it’s natural to want and grab a snack-pack to crave that urge (unless you’re on a diet then an apple or just curl up into a ball and cry). But if that itch is a rash, or if you’re obese and want to simply eat, why do we eat and/or indulge? The situation would only get worse by doing so. And yet we do, because of the temporary burst of satisfaction and pleasure it gives us. We don’t think a two steps and possibly one step ahead. We act on impulse, not caring about the consequences.

For me, it has always been to not only scratch, but to scratch until I see blood. I keep digging until I reach China. It gets to the point that I get so caught up in it that I no longer know why Im doing it in the first place. I get nothing from it, and yet I continue to do it until I am absolutely lost in the chasm of my trance. When I get to that point, best aptly dubbed “rock bottom,” it’s the worse feeling in the world. All five of my senses don’t function for a bit. A literal void. And when you get there, it’s natural to reach out, hoping to grab on to something or someone.

I’m a mess of complicated thoughts. Sometimes, I believe (I’d like to think) it’s what makes up my beautiful soul. But that means I’m hard to read, to understand. When I hit rock bottom, I do try to reach out, but I do it in such a way that no one knows I need help. Instead of sending an SOS in literal smoke signals, I would instead send it in binary, while encrypted and can only be accessible via optical recognition done in a 42 degree angle on a Sunday afternoon 3:43 PM Eastern time.

Maybe it’s because I put in twice, if not triple the effort when it comes to friendships/relationships and I expect others to do the same. I try to pull the confirmation of someone needing help when I’m the one talking down the person on the ledge. And yet, when I’m the one on the ledge, I dont even disclose which building I’d like to jump from. And it’s wrong of me to expect people to just know. There’s a fine line between not being able to properly reach out due to circumstances, and making it a guessing game.

It’s a cry for attention. Looking back, I admit it. We do it in other ways too, don’t we? We hang up on our significant others and hope they call back. We storm out of the house, and hope they are just behind us, chasing. Maybe those that have chased too much would like to be chased after, once in a while.

I had an episode this past weekend, and now I’ll have to live with the way the season ends. Hopefully, it’s just a season and not a series finale. I fractured a blossoming friendship with someone extremely special to me to the point where it may be impossible to ever glue back together perfectly, or at all. This is part of my dark side. It may seem childish, but the smallest crack can destroy a dam. Much harder to find, too. A machete is easy to find in a haystack compared to a needle. I know she would have reached out, if only she knew I wanted her to. I knew that, even before I did it and yet, why didn’t I chosen the best path?

It’s part of who I am. It’s also my nature, as you know, to always look back and reflect. I’ve never written about it before, in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone about it. Maybe to you once. I don’t recall. This part of me has persisted and hopefully writing about it puts me in a better position to never act like this again. That I’m still too passive for my own good. Just do it. Step up. Be more forward. Got it.

Accept me for the flawed individual that I am, as I have accepted you and all of your flaws and intricacies, beautiful as they may be in their own right. Maybe we’re oil and water as well. It’s either I anger you or you anger me. We both act childish sometimes. Yeah, including you. Could just be overthinking it, even now. But I’d like to think it’s because I care. Wouldn’t have given it a second thought if it were anyone else. I hope that’s the case with you, too. Doesn’t matter if we don’t mix well. We don’t have to.

I forgive myself. This shows that I am still a work in progress. That I have flaws in need of polishing off. If you admired me for how I was and am before all of this, I’m sure you’ll like me even more in the future. Guaranteed. Because I’m always improving, even if it means to destroy the foundations to make anew. I don’t see the door closed completely. I thank you for that. I’ll continue as I was and live, smile, write and improve. I drew you in once, maybe twice (who knows). Just continue being myself and we’ll see if it I draw you back in. Maybe that door would swing wide open for me again.