These have been the most emotional 6 months of my life. What a roller coaster of a year 2018 has been. Got out from a toxic 3 years relationship, getting back into the MMO world, falling in love with someone from Australia and now trying to decipher if everything the past 3 months have been a lie or a delusion on my part. The full story of the girl from the land down under will probably be saved for a future post. Right now, I’m just simply trying to figure things out, recovering from a recovery (yeah).

I’m someone who analyzes a lot. Sometimes, too much actually. In a social situation, I try and take an holistic view of things. Was I in the wrong? Could I have done something different? And if I did change something, what would the outcome be? Better? Worse? This is so I mitigate the chances of making the same mistakes in the future. Not like I’ll never make these mistakes ever again. I am human after all.

She told me she wished we never met.

Well, too bad. We did. And I’m grateful. But it bothers me why she would say that, actually. The people she has recently surrounded herself with are the very definition of scum. And until this very day, she believes I’m someone who simply talks to cute girls to get their attention. When reading a previous blog, she stated it was nothing but pure negativity and I truly, could not see where she’s coming from. I thought I understood her. Because she was a lot like myself.

And maybe, that’s the person I fell in love with.

The Japanese say we have 3 faces: one you show the world, one you show to friends and family, one you show to no one. The latter is the truest reflection of who you are. The thing is, while you may not show that third face, reflections of it can be seen from different angles, where you least expect it. But I’m not convinced there’s only 3 faces. That’s pure simplification.

Because people put a facade even to themselves.

We try to sometimes make ourselves the victim, that we’ve done nothing wrong. That it was the fault of other people. Maybe, we may paint colors on the portraits of others, colors that doesn’t exist in the spectrum of that person’s soul, yet we do it for reasons unknown. We tend to impose our own guilt or our own guilty pleasures onto others, knowing just how hypocritical it may be. And yeah, I was on the receiving end of all this.

The person who I was in love with have, for the past 3 months, painted this color of a womanizer on my spectrum. Literally, there have been stretches where I talked to no one except her and yet, it ended in her believing in that. It’s not only me she tells this to. She’s told it to others, so I feel like she truly believes it. And yet, she pretty much is the definition of what she hates. She goes around and chats it up with other guys, knowing full well they’ll start to like her. She surrounds herself with liars, cheaters, and people with the lowest ethical score. And yet, she wishes she never met me?

Maybe, it’s because I’m a reflection of the good in her that the bad has since washed away, or at least buried. We all have different sides to our personalities. I can be extremely lazy, very promiscuous in certain scenarios. My good side, that I’d like to call my dominant side, usually catches me before I spiral out of control. The thing is, she’s doing a lot of things that goes against what we both hated:

• No effort in relationships
• One sided knowledge
• Surrounding oneself with humanity’s turds

I feel like, she is far too smart and ethical to seriously believe her own words. She’s experienced way too much to think so. But maybe, I was the blind one. Maybe this was her all along, and I didn’t think of it much because I liked her. I accepted her flaws but didn’t know just how huge they were.

I feel like, I let her down to be honest. I did promise her that I’d be as brutally honest as I can with her and yet, I held back. When she kept going out of control promoting her guild, I felt she was over-doing it. She was already tired. I told her, but in a passive way. I felt she was getting power hungry but never truly expressed it. Maybe being called a “Queen” was getting to her head. Royalty is pointless, in-game and also in real life. Blood doesn’t make a person a good person. She chases random people, literally, and in many ways, proves the gossip about her is true.

I don’t understand. We aren’t talking, and probably won’t ever again. As someone who hates unfinished business, this will forever linger in the back of my mind. What was her problem with me? Why did things go south like this? Was she just delusional? I feel like, I was a conquest/temporary fun that went wrong with her. She wasn’t supposed to catch feelings for me and yet she did. Maybe this has something to do with it.

Life’s hard. Confusing. But it doesn’t have to always be. Sometimes, we just make it so.