So, I’ve been saying this word quite a bit for the past week or so, especially after catching up on the whole Eminem vs Machine Gun Kelly feud. This technically was a joke between my ex and I. Two years ago, we went to an anime convention called Katsucon. Swung by CVS pharmacy to get some snacks + shampoo/conditioner (hotel wasn’t fancy enough to give us a decent brand). While I was at the register, the cashier saw my badge and was asking me about Katsucon. I told him some basic info and asked if he was going. He said no, because he was saving up money to work on his mixtape. I was like, oh, that’s sounds awesome. Then, he asked if I wanted to hear him throw down some verses.

…..

…

(No)

Sure.

He then began to spit a few lines, maybe literally 4 sentences, and then stopped to explain what he meant about being Moses and parting the sea (aka a woman’s legs, also I got the reference, it just wasn’t good). Told me I had to wait for the rest when his mixtape drops, with a huge smile, and said, slowly : Bahs aka Bars. I just nodded and hurriedly left the store. Like, I didn’t expect to have a preview of the hottest mix tape to drop in 2016.

It’s hard when you have all this emotion, a lot of stuff to say, and yet, I can’t find the best way to say it. Or maybe, that I shouldn’t say it. It’s gotten me in trouble in the past already. These raw feelings I’ve been having, and I just want to throw it down. Bars. But it’s these same bars that have me imprisoned in this emotional cell. Yeah, I have bars. But are they tools of self assurance and reflection or are these bars warning signs of a prison I’ve recently escaped from? Am I truly a masochist, in that I revel in this type of situation? That it fuels my desire to keep writing? To explore my creative side? Is it worth it?

I just want to run away from it all. Can I? Just escape. Writing down my escape route. Become someone new. Start over. Fresh.

I can simply just log out. Throw away the password. But I’d be way too tempted to reset it. Can I attempt to ghost? But maybe the loneliness may kill me.

This wasn’t in the plan..

I dont fucking know what I should do.