Emotionally and mentally stretched.
To work in a profession where, in most cases, decisions are determined by evaluating factors and yet, being the complete opposite in real life… If the variable is less than X, do Y. Get the average of A and B to print out C. Don’t run Z job unless A, B, C completes successfully. I live and breathe logic. And yeah, upper management sometimes (usually, really) forces inane, illogical requirements down my throat, but most cases….logical. Why doesn’t it carry into my personal life enough?
Humans are irrational, logical creatures. I sure do love the dichotomy.
If you know me well enough, I may have said this once or twice:
“I refuse to be a slave to circumstance”
I hate, hate being not in control. Call it due to not being in control of how I was treated by my dad’s side of the family, of being the family black sheep, of feeling wronged by people in general. I didn’t have the power, the resources, the choice. I was a kid. But as an adult, whatever and wherever I am, it should be MY choice. And yeah, this is one truth, one promise I hold to myself. I should never, EVER, think about being ever powerless (you know, outside of…. things truly out of my control but still, can’t do anything but continue to fight regardless). Because the person I am today, what I’ve accomplished, what I can do, it would simply be a huge cop-out.
But what if I’m a slave to things I do have control of? I find it funny I spew this quite bad ass idiom (which I heard from one of my favorite games, Valkyrie Profile) and yet, I’m a slave of my past, of current vices, where I truly do have full control. Why do I continue to torment myself like this? How can I….simply shut off emotions and do right by me? Why do I care, why do I bother sometimes? Why do I insist on pulling the trigger of the gun aimed at myself….and reload?
It’s funny, being an emotionally driven individual truly is a double edged sword. The Goku effect? Maybe I grew up watching that drivel too much. Because yeah, the effect emotions have on me could drive and push me further than I ever could but, at the same time, can destroy me as well. Is it too late to change what fuels me?
I day dream a lot. I play an MMORPG and have watched a few Anime where players are transported and trapped in the MMORPG they play in. I’ve day dreamed that happening to me but with some sort of caveat. Like we’re allowed a reasonable request from the real world or something into our avatars. Like, a wish maybe. And my wish?
To forget everything.
What would I be like if I could just….forget everything. Clean slate. All my experiences. Just how much different would I be? Would that be a cowardly request, too? Our experiences make up who we are. What inhibitions would I not have? Could I be a leader (or a better leader)? Would I just be better overall….. would I be worse off? Even the closest friends I have, I’d forget. People that are my enemies. People that hate me, that adore me. All forgotten. Could bonds be reformed? Strengthened? Started? Never happened? Would they prefer the old me or the new me, whatever that may be? Ignorance is bliss right?
I want…a redo….but…I just cant. Not possible. And redo of what? I don’t even know.
Time is going by too fast. Can it slow down for me, just a tad bit? Time waits for no one but, if only it could make an exception for me.
I can’t keep up.
Flayed Syntax 