I remember the pain of jumping from bed to bed back in the Philippines, then miscalculating one jump and slammed my lower jaw into the bed frame. I’d like to think that was what gave me my overbite but I’m pretty sure my dentist (aka my cousin) would laugh at that theory. I also remember the time when I stuck my right index finger into one of the holes of our storefront gate and got stuck for about two hours before family came back. That, was pretty pitiful. Oh, and I remember the time when my uncle slapped this natural honeycomb that somehow grew under the roof of our store and those bees attacked me. I’m pretty sure it was…..garlic they rubbed on my forehead as I yelled in excruciating pain.

My flight to America, I remember that flight. I woke up one morning, and was literally whisked away from the arms of my grandmother. I remember her crying, as she reached out for me telling me that it’ll be ok, in broken sentences. I remember that black jeep filled with unfamiliar faces as I looked back at my crying grandmother (my Lola), with tears in my eyes. That ride took forever to get to the airport, and seeing people with complexions I’ve never seen before. I remember my only solace was my other Lola (on my paternal side) who lovingly held my hand the entire trip.

That is, until she was sleeping on that long ass flight and I just kept looking around. I remember having to pee and seeing a toilet that’s much nicer than the one at home. Then, I remember landing in Baltimore and seeing my mother for the first time in many years (as a child, it felt like a decade). I ran behind my grandmother and yelled at my mom. I remembered the feeling of anger towards her, of abandonment (because I wasn’t treated as nicely back home because I lived with my aunt, who ruled the house). Told her she left me. I remember my mom crying, not having the right words. But my tantrum ended as I remember not feeling well that day, too.

And when I walked out of the airport, I remember the first time I saw snow. What new world have I just entered, and why was it so cold?

I remember eating cold Top Ramen noodles mixed with a single egg (because my mom thought it was a smart idea to cook instant noodles before picking up her son from the airport). I remember the first night I slept in my mom’s room, I woke her up, asking her “what is this sound? hhhccckkkkkkk”?  She replied :

“I’m snoring”.

Then I remember meeting my father for the first time. This “person” who I was suppose to love just as much as my mother. Who always complained about my weight (even as a skinny filipino kid). I remember the time he gave my cousin, the family favorite, his first computer. Why him? I’m your son. I’m the smart one. I wanted it, he never asked for it.

I remember quite a bit from my time in my paternal side’s household:

• The emotional abuse
• The verbal abuse
• The physical abuse
• The sexual abuse

Let’s fast forward this a bit. Past my first love. Past my first heartbreak.

When I lost my best friends, one by one. When I lost my bestest friend to drugs. He’s alive. But our friendship isn’t. My regret. I should’ve done more. One dropped out. The last, I gave up on him in pursuit of romance and other friendships. I neglected my friendships. The relationship keeping me afloat as my mother’s and I was tattered. Because one night, I saw the blade pointed at my wrist instead. And all I had was her.

I remembered every last detail of meeting my ex who happened to be my first time. The plane ride to Michigan. The lie my mother told me to prevent me from going to Illinois. My push to make what I wanted happen. Seeing her. Being with her. Giving her my first dolphin necklace.

The train ride to Illinois was quite possibly one of the most free I’ve ever been. I met my ex through a friend on Myspace. I remembered that emotion really well. That I can do anything. Anything is possible.

And yeah, even the disappointments a few months later.

Not to detail every single thing that has ever happened to me. But those details, they stay with me. Both the good and the bad. And yet, it’s the bad that resonates the most sometimes. Being able to remember such details works against me more often than to my benefit. Because my mind distorts what’s reality (or what I perceive as reality).

My “demons” as I like to call them, is pretty much a mishmash of randomness. An entropic emotional mess. It’s walls that encloses my heart from more disappointments, more pain. Because I overthink many times, thinking that I’m in a situation that I should be wary of. That it’ll end exactly the same way. Why bother? And it hits different aspects of my psyche. From my insecurities, to my unobtainable desires, to my feeling of hopelessness sometimes. It’s hard to explain and this post probably doesn’t do it justice until I have a firmer understanding of why I do this.

• I remember this feeling
• She’s like the rest
• This situation is so similar

I reach. Far, far too much. Funny that on this blog, I call myself an optimistic realist. Heh. If only.

I tend to sabotage things going well for me, because I’m so used to being a sad story. Sometimes, it works out and either I or someone else catches me before I screw things up further. And other times, too little too late. I can’t ever live in the moment, I’m always haunted by the past. I can’t let things go, because I simply…. remember.

If only I can cut things out from my memory. If I can just forget. I forget my passwords all the damn time. But the emotional rollercoaster of the past few months, of all the previous exes, the family abuse, it still fresh in my mind.

I’ll be fine the next morning. Lucky these demons can only be released every now and then, and only for a few hours. Right?

 

Earlier tonight, I took a step and decided to face one of my demons. My ex. I finally let that pain go. By talking to her and realizing the hate I harbored’s only purpose was to keep me encased in the past. I can’t do much about it anymore. Some people in the past told me it was ok to hate. Some said I should wish her well. I don’t regret how I felt, but at the same time, it’s spilled milk. I forgave her. Gave her my gift of laughter I’m sure she misses.

I felt my heart weigh a bit less the moment I hung up.

I can never truly get rid of all my demons. But slowly and surely, I’ll make it so that they don’t overwhelm me as much. Because I’m tired of losing people and myself.