The Greatest Showman – Tightrope
*One of my favorite songs from the movie.

One thing I’ve learned after being in relationships is that balance is key. Never too much of something and never too little. Too many kisses and the value decreases for each peck. Too little kisses and that leads to neglect. Hashtag, bars.

But how (and possibly, when) do we walk this tightrope? Everyone wants something different. What’s suffocating for one person another wants to be engulfed in it. What drowns the past, the current surfs that wave. We never know until we try (or don’t try) and see the results. Those times when we want to run after them but the best course of action is to stay put, knowing they know they’re aware of your exact location. They’ll come back to you, when they’re ready. Hopefully.

But there’s no such thing as perfectly balanced. So many external factors sway the needle. So many things are out of your control and all you can do is sit on your hands, ponder what the best thing to do is. What if this is a sign/cry for help? Are we supposed to act? Give space? We don’t know. And don’t let me get started on timing issues. Always at the wrong time. When the cards you’re dealt with are nothing but jokers.

And yet it’s the internal factors that we tend to underestimate. The subconscious fears / insecurities we hold. And how do we balance going against what we’re so used to (pain, disappointment) against what’s naturally a good gut feeling, a feeling we’ve attained by enduring so much already? When we think we know when to walk away, but instead, we’re walking away from people that willingly walked into our lives and want to stay, it just won’t be easy.

….and they could just be worth it.

But it’s hard. This balance. People get bored. Get less intrigued. The mystique is gone. Just how much space should we give to each other? It is this fear that has pushed me, day by day, to evolve. To come up with something new.

• A new joke.
• A new persona.
• A new me.

Just keep it fresh. It’s….tiring. But what else can I do? I fear it. This doll, fears it. It’s my greatest fear, that I can never escape from until I close my eyes for good. But I have to keep it in check.

Because I’m walking this tightrope, alone. Does it lead to her? That, I don’t know.