Depression. Desperation. Defeat.

Those were the themes of 2018. Bar none, the worst year of my life. For 75% of it, every week was some form of mental and emotional torture. There were things I couldn’t walk away from, and yet so many things I never bothered to walk towards. Like new job opportunities, healthier habits, and always ran away from being myself. From doubting myself, not realizing my worth, letting people walk all over me, using me to enduring it all thinking this would turn out right for me, that my time will come, that everything would be okay.

No more.

I leave 2018 all that drama and people associated with it. At least, the emotional connections to those people. I don’t like to burn bridges, nor build walls but reservations are now necessary. But how can I make 2019 better? Do I start/stop talking to certain people? Do I step out from my comfort zone?

Im a proponent of not being stale. If the same shit is done, chances are, the same shit will happen. The whole…..fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me deal. And yeah, I sound like a hypocrite, as I foolishly walked into that abuse. Despite level headed people tell me otherwise, I still went with what I felt my heart knew. How can I judge those that do the same thing but their heart isn’t sure what to do?

We all have our own pace.

And mine isn’t rhythmic. No set pattern to my craziness. And people love it. It’s who I am. But I felt my tone this summer as pathetic. Im a ball of crazy entropic goodness.

I’ve met new people in my life that I wish to devote more time to because they make me happy. And I hope to make them happy, in whatever role I’m destined to be in in their lives, whether it be an older brother figure, a best friend, a confidant, or…..

Defeat will come no matter how hard I try. I can only just mitigate it. But this year, I refuse to allow the silence to get to me anymore. My demons will be held at bay. For I can’t rely on anyone but myself, despite telling others they can rely on me (because they truly can).

Some people are just given the short end of the stick, by people and by circumstances. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born in the poorest parts of the Philippines. Why expect the world to be fair? To be easier on me? The cards have always been stacked against me and that’s fine.

Heart of the cards, guide me. I’m going to take 2019 by storm.