Today, I celebrate my 8th year in my current company.  I first joined as an intern, with no promise of a full time position. It was contingent on several factors, including performance and need. This came around the time unemployment was pretty high in the USA. Last semester in college, too. Safe to say, I was extremely motivated to do well.

So much has changed since then. Physically/mentally. I’m far more open minded than I used to be. Used to think I’d never leave the area I grew up in and now I want an out. Always wanted to have kids but now if I happen to be with someone whom I love that didn’t want to have kids, I’d be fine with that. I’m more confident in finding another job, seeing as I have experience under my belt now.

A third of my life has passed. I don’t know where the next third will lead me to. I’m one who likes to have a tight grasp of the direction I’m headed to. Yeah, I’m a bit nervous. I had plans a year ago. To be married to my ex by the time I was 32. A kid. Settled down somewhere in a new house. Disregarding everything that happened with her post breakup, would that have been the life I wanted? Me still continuing to do 95% of the work, the effort?

And now I’m beside myself, trying to convince myself that I’m fine as I am right now. That maybe having kids when I’m at this point in my life isn’t right for me. There’s still so much possibilities, future is still a blank canvas waiting to be painted. As much as having choices and freedom is so precious and important, it helps when things are narrowed down. You should see me in a mall food court. It’s so difficult to choose where I want to eat.

I’ll figure it out.