They say if you love something, let it go
If it comes back it’s yours, that’s how you know.

Christina Aguilera’s song “What a girl wants” happened to be one of my favorite songs. Catchy as it is, it has very important messages:

• Patience
• Giving space
• Hope
• Trust
• Empathy

Though despite knowing this, it took me 2 decades to actually absorb and make it part of me. When I started dating, I thought you had to be connected to the hip, have to talk 24/7. That is, to remain in a healthy and loving relationship. Back then, each time I couldn’t speak to whomever I was dating within our usual time of talking, I would get nervous, scared, always thinking something was up. That I’m being left behind. I mean, yeah I still give myself slack because in high school, there wasn’t much you can do back then. I slip up sometimes even now.

When my ex lived with me for almost a year, I thought this would prove that we belonged with each other. Nightly Netflix and chill. Morning forehead kisses. Dinner dates. Trying out new recipes. Morning walks. Sunset and sunrise viewing.

Thing is, most of that ever happened.

I’ll not beat a dead horse as I’ve learned to accept my ex for what she was to me. But the person that I am, I still think about why it happened the way it did. For training and quality purposes of course. I felt I had a hand in it, a severe impact. While yeah, I made her happy initially by giving her the world, she never did anything to deserve it. And that world I gave, was my world, not ours. She did not own a plot of land and that was the problem.

I read the situation and her wrong. I was supportive. I helped her at any chance that I got. I was patient. I trusted she would never hurt me. I wanted to believe she can achieve her dreams. But she didn’t need that. She needed to grow up and I babied her. Now I’m not saying the above is wrong. There’s a limit to just how much a person can do without help. But I didn’t teach her to fish, I just gave her the cooked filet.

She wasn’t motivated to be on her own, I was her life. And while that’s sweet, that’s also highly fragile. Because then I can’t rely on her when it was my turn to be weak. What kind of relationship is it when the foundation is so weak? And it wasn’t even job/professional aspect that she didn’t have, she didn’t truly have a hobby either. She didn’t know what to do on her spare time.

When your significant other enjoys life and has goals, that makes the relationship and attraction stronger. We all need our time apart. Without time apart, there’s a high chance of boredom, of taking things for granted. When my ex lived with me, we HARDLY spent time with each other, despite being next to each other every night.

And think about it this way. Having separate time could actually help in finding out new things to try with each other. Like divide and conquering life. You go this way, I’ll go this way and we’ll reconvene. Tell me how that food stall is on the left and I’ll try out this stall on the right. Seems more efficient to me.

It’s telling when there’s such an unlimited possible things your significant other can do on a daily basis and yet they always find some time to squeeze you in. Do you know how much anime, games, amusement parks, clubs, retreats and other events they could be doing? I used to not appreciate that, but I think everyone has a point where they don’t.

Now, I’m not saying I don’t WANT to be connected to the hip. If I lay in bed with my lover for the entire day, that’s one amazing day for me. I want as much time with her as possible, because I know I can get her to laugh, let her enjoying roasting me. I want her attention all to myself. I want my presence to always be known. I want her engulfed in my love. I’m just saying if she wants to do something else…

It’s fine. Have fun. Because she knows I can do something else myself.

And shortly later, when we come back together, my jokes are fresh with the fresh new material I experienced in my solo expedition. That I did something stupidly (but adorably) dumb that gives her more reasons to roast me. And chances are, even when we are doing our own thing, we probably have each other in mind sometime in that separation.

• This reminds me of…
• Oh, I can’t wait to tell…
• I want to see this with.

 

The amount of space between us isn’t as important when the bond we have with each other is just that strong.