What can I say, it’s complicated.
Author: Rhem
First aid
When’s the right time to let the blood flow freely? When’s the right to apply pressure? A few days ago I had written a post that details the last lingering feelings and thoughts I had for the most recent MMO that I’ve played but hid it after an hour or so. If the purpose of the post was to move on, why am I even writing such a post? And yet, I back tracked on that decision because I felt it had to be known and out there. It had to exist.
People cope in different ways. Some can completely block a chunk of reality while others forever overthink. Even in my last break up, I’ve had several people give varying views. Still be here friend. Wish her well. Tell her to go fuck off. It’s not right to harbor negative emotions. It’s healthy to despise people.
After all, I despise my father and have completely moved on in my life. Even though he reached back to me asking for my social security number (assuming he was probably putting me as a beneficiary in case he passed away), I rejected him and told him that I am perfectly fine the way things are. This bridge has long been burnt and a massive wall has been built in its place, with me no having no plans to scale it.
And yet there are times where I do simply let it go, because I felt any hold on my emotions is an L on my scorecard. It takes energy. Especially when it’s regarding people that have absolutely no bearing to my livelihood. So, in that vantage point, I should have simply let it go, right?
Issue was, it wasn’t about the pointless people that I had spent more than an hour typing about. It was about me. The situation was set that, I had absolutely no one to tell my side to completely. I felt completely hopeless in a situation that I should have never been part of. By sweeping this under the rug, it invalidates those times where I felt wronged. It invalidates the anger that I had. Or rather, have.
And is that anger towards myself? Towards them? Yes. Because I should have fought back. It was not until the very end where I decided to put both middle fingers up and no longer take shit. This whole nice guy side of me forever keeps me finishing last. I’ve said it before that it’s easier to blame myself because I can’t change others. Problem is, I’m taking hits I shouldn’t be taking. I can only tank for so long.
I need healing, too.
So I republished that post. My feelings are my feelings. My anger needs to rage on, or else bottling inside will suffocate me. And even if no one knows the complete story of things, I still have the takeaways, the lessons learned from it. After all, I do need fuel for my art.
Less of “I’m sorry” and way more “Fuck it.”
A slice of dreams
I didn’t know how long it was going to last. Dreams tend to be short burst of scenes sped up to 2.5x, at least mine are. But at a certain point, I was able to bring it down to 0.5x, so that I can savor the moment. It wasn’t even a naughty dream. Nor did the idea that, even if my actions could have controlled the course of the dream, I would stoop to lead it to that course. She was in my arms and it felt so real. And yet, at the same time, I was scared I was going to wake up.
So I answered slowly. I walked slowly. Hell, I breathed slowly, just to slow down my oxygen depletion rate in this lucid game. It wasn’t even a fantasy setting. What we talked about, what I saw, is what reality is. But somehow, I’m there. I was able to see it through to the end. To the point that I opened the door and walked out, waking up, smiling. A simple visit was all it took, was all I needed, was all I wanted.
Why are the simplest things in life the hardest to get?
Solo Saga
MMORPGs have been an extremely huge part of my adult life. Ever since I was 18, I was playing some sort of MMO. Due to how socially shy I was, the fact that I was forced to not stay on my college campus but to commute, it was the easiest way for me to meet and talk to people. Unsurprisingly, a majority of my recent relationships has been because I met people in these games. Some I’ve actually dated for years, met offline, and traveled with.
It was a way to facilitate a long distance relationship. Especially games where the community was small enough so that you are ingrained in the life blood of the game. I’ve met so many people, some whom I still talk to till this very day through such games. Events that occur regularly, new dungeons, new gear, new features of the game to help you progress, giving you that satisfaction of experiencing life that, just maybe, is far more interesting than your real one. And yet, sometimes, the annoyance and drama that comes from it seeps into your real life. It’s only just a game after all.
Enter Twin Saga.
Coming into this game 2 years ago, broken after finally being able to walk away from a toxic situation, all I wanted to do was simply to recover and be left alone. I used to play this game but have quit roughly a year prior to coming back. After all, my character was considered “end game” before I quit the last time. It would be too painful and annoying to start completely fresh so I decided to come to this game.
Without going into too much detail, this was a free to play game that is heavily Anime inspired as far as graphics go. It is an MMO that is a fusion of the developer’s last two MMOs. In its core, it is quite possibly one of the simplest MMOs in existence. Compared to other free to play MMOs, there are microtransactions and paywalls that, while expensive, go a long way and even then, through putting time into your character, you can progress even without paying. All in all, this game was all about time and/or money, never truly about skill.
And that’s fine. I just wanted a game to chill in. Get to know people, help others. After all, in all the MMOs I’ve been in, I have always been a player that enjoyed steady and efficient character progression. I loved theory crafting. I love thinking about different character setups you can use. I never enjoyed just following a guide, I rather be the one who guides. Like hey, use this type of weapon or pull the boss to the corner. Learn when to use a certain skill. Keep cooldowns on specific rotations.
All I wanted was to play a simple game. A game where the system was so basic, that a high school / college version of me would have been stronger because the paywall wasn’t that high and the game rewards you for grinding for incremental stat gains, time which I do not have considering I am an adult with a career intact. Log on. Run some dungeons. Help carry people. Possibly throw guild events.
But all good intentions going into this game, I was slapped with such entangled drama of my life.
Blame it on the relatively small community. Blame it on the rise and popularity of Discord, that people are so into each others’ business that certain people “hate” me, when I didn’t even know they existed. The game was dubbed “Drama Saga” by many of the players, and that is the most fitting name one could create for such a game. All I literally did was sit in the town and literally gambled. I didn’t flex to anyone. I even gave free stuff of things I already own many of.
It’s actually a very stupid trope found in many free to play games, not just in MMO. Many people find very ridiculous reasons to hate on people that pay to play games, mainly of envy and jealousy. For 4-5 weeks, I did absolutely nothing but AFK in town and gambled/speak to my guild mates. Yet, people have already started throwing rumors about me and already talking about how I spend all my paychecks on the game. That I have “no skill” in this game and know “nothing” about the game. This is despite just coming back to the game, my gear/stats in plain view, I was still outdamaging 80% of the remaining population. All the while using a class that is considered one of the weakest in the game. Not only that, I apparently was one of the reasons why another couple have broken up because she cheated on him with me (I learned this months after), despite not even talking to said person until one month after they had broken up.
I started liking people that I have met on the game and those feelings are just natural. People get to know one another, they bond. They laugh. They cry together. They open up secret they haven’t told anyone else. They fight. They make up. They leave each others lives. They come back. It’s all natural, and it happens all the time. And it’s natural the drama happens, too.
It was like high school all over again. Everyone has their gimick, like some kind of wrestling show. We have an absolute manchild that was in the Army. He threw a fit because I gave his gf at the time a gift as thanks for helping me out. He was cocky and yet full of self esteem issues. Then we have some girl whose nudes were exposed, who I took in as a friend but realized she brought in more drama than she’s worth (and was the one who spread this blog to people that shouldn’t have had knowledge of it). Then we have some gay dude that held extremely negative opinions of me, who has never talked to me before and did nothing but get in my personal business and spread unfounded rumors. He was also quite trash in the game and is most likely just jealous. He had always complained I did nothing but pay to get where I am (quite literally, it takes a person 1 week to be considered end game if you can shell out a few hundred dollars) and yet, he has paid too but is still leagues below where I was. We then have someone who is the literal definition of a simp. We have people acting like they’re a trap, having some sort of house fantasy/fetish. We have literal fuck boys who think they have the moral high grounds when they too, are just as human as anyone else.
It wasn’t worth it. And I called it quits.
It was tiring. People kept getting into my business, into my personal life. Some bitch ass motherfucker wanted to always complain that I do nothing but pay, that my bank account was literally connected to the game’s coffers. I couldn’t even spend money into it if I wanted to (I was THAT complete and coasting). Not only that, the intelligence of the community was just lacking. No one ever wanted to be on my side, or tried to talk to me or hear my side, or simply get to know me. They simply only wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. The drama was annoying on 2 fronts.
First, never should you as a person, feel bad about your own personal success. Never stoop to someone’s level, never be ashamed of what you had to do in order to make yourself happy. If you want to ball out, ball out. Spend on yourself. You’ve earned it. People are simply just disgusted by their own personal failures that in order to pull themselves up, they need to drag others down. I was called old despite just being a few years older than the average playerbase (but like decades ahead in terms of career/life achievements).
Second, people are immoral and/or are just plain stupid. This is a guy who was cheated on multiple times but at the same time play flirts with other girls and gets mad when their girl talks to other guys. And, despite knowing certain things, turns a blind eye when his friend is clearly hitting on someone else’s love interest. Or maybe just a complete moron, which Im leaning heavily towards.
After a while, I got fed up. I was done being nice. There was no dispute or discussion that I was the best player with the best stats in the game. I didn’t give two shits what people say about me. Oh, I spent money on the game? Well, if your broke ass could you would.
But your bitch ass couldn’t now, could you?
I gave up on having hope of meaningful friendships with people there because quite honestly, they don’t deserve my friendship. They’re too stupid, too spiteful, and simply not worth my time. I had to keep reminding myself that this was just a game. It’s just a game. It shouldn’t have affected me outside. Shouldn’t have affected me at work. They don’t pay my bills. These people do not enrich my life in any sort of way. They simply drag me to their pointless existence.
So I’ve had it. Once I got to a personal goal in the game, I’ve officially quit. While the entire server complained about a specific dungeon, I completed it by myself. Everyone was playing catch up to me and I was barely trying. And I wasn’t even cocky about it or anything. Not once, did I declare myself the best in the game and have always tried my hardest to give others advice. Not everyone can afford to spend money. I have been humble to anyone that knows me. I’m not good in FPS. Im not a LoL type of guy. Just so happens I found a game that suited my lifestyle. But I decided to quit on the highest note I can get.
The top.
It’s been two months and it has been the best thing I could have done in the past 2 years. I have found and maintained some friendships that I feel is healthy and organic. I refuse to let this stupid game tarnish my day to day in any way possible. I logged on to simply give some stuff to a few deserving people, but have absolutely no plans of ever coming back. I am done with this game and the people in it.
I’m writing this because this chapter is closed. It has been a long 2 years. Anything and everything about it is in the past and I have since moved on. Just wanted to get a few things off my chest before doing so. I have grown a bit cynical because of it. Basic human decency is lost to people it seems. And honestly, some people are just hopeless. There’s simply no way they can change. It has opened my eyes that I am too trusting sometimes.
And if you’re on my blog to spy on me, because you have absolutely no life and want to find a reason to hate me more, go right on ahead. If you absolutely can’t move on and get over everything, good luck to you. In the end, your existence is meaningless to me. Why don’t you make your existence meaningful to yourself. Kind of hard, I know.
But even crap can be used as a fertilizer.
Unlucky me, Lucky you
I done thought a lot of things in my day, I admit.
That I was worth more than the words that they say.
On the wrong side of a cuck, that shit really sucks.
Thinking it’s just phase, say it to my face.
Say Im right, that you’re not wrong.
This shit’s been going on for so long.
On bended knee. Asked the words.
I dont know which is worse.
You got hitched and Im stuck.
Unlucky me, lucky you, good for you.
On the side of the bed they lay.
I’m not even allowed a wave outside, what more can I say?
Social distancing fully loaded.
Six whole states in between, pre-covid.
Yet at your most vulnerable it’s ok.
I make myself open and it’s me who overstayed.
Gave my keys, sat on my throne. And yet Im the one wrong.
My approach slow as this flattening and yet Im the one who came strong.
White gloves on.
Carefully handled it.
Eggshells on the floor.
Slowly, dont break it.
Have my light muse and my dark queen,
It’ll be all me in between.
Kept me in a time capsule easy to be buried.
If emergency break the glass, so you can go on and scurry.
Time’s up. Game’s over.
No continues left, it’ll be someone else’s quarter.
Friends in the zone are just pocketed dicks.
Really doesn’t matter who in the end will be picked.
Give them hope. Make them stay.
In the end I truly hope you’ll be okay.
In the end I finished last,
my future and present became the past.
At least give me some credit, it’s on the upstream.
Interests build and interest fade.
Some harsh truths are best kept in the shade.
Unlucky me, lucky you.
Learning braille to see with clarity.
Asphyxiation to see if the fire burns.
Turning back to move ahead.
Healing may leave scars.
A constellation of our desperation.
Of if it will ever exist in the stars.
Mementos
I consider myself a materialistic sentimental person. I love to buy things, expensive purchases even. And yet, the things that I keep sentimental are cheap in nature but hold such intrinsic value. And to be honest, that boiled down to two things in my life. One being a dolphin necklace that had a piece of rice with my name in it inside of a glass vial and a 2006 Disney glass with Pinocchio and Dumbo on it from McDonalds. The former was never returned to me and the latter shattered on the floor just a few days ago. Fourteen years of service, that glass is surely missed. It was with me from high school throughout college and the first decade of my career.
And yet, two replacement glasses are on their way from eBay. Obviously won’t feel the same. It was faded, the artwork you can barely even make out. And yet, if only I could get the original back, of course I’d do it. It was the most static thing in my dynamically tumultuous life. I remember the day I got it, I was actually skipping class. I remember filling it halfway on the first night I became drunk. It was big enough to also be the only container I’ve ever used to eat my helping of Cookies n Cream.
Out of everything in this world that I could have chosen to “treasure” and “cherish,” it was a glass. Not the most Show and Tell worthy of all things. Just a glass. I filleth. I spilleth. I droppeth. And this serendipitous feeling of comfort and attachment applies to people, too.
Still, there’s a feeling I’ve been trying to figure out. Been more than a year now. I’ve written about it before and thought I knew but a part of me feels like there’s more to explore. Maybe in due time.
What separated this particular glass from all the glasses in the world?
One week reflection
“It started with soap” was our thing, as it was the very excuse that I used to slide into her DMs that one faithful snowy night, when I was working overnight to get a certain project done before the next day. It came from a recurring joke about a guild that has members whom ate soap. And ever since that day, past the drama that comes from playing an MMORPG, our time spent together cleansed the impurities of daily life. Morning calls to start the day. Midday calls in-between meetings. Coming home to get on call again, and either staying up way past necessary by watching a video, listening to her play her game, or just our natural desire to always be on separate ends of a voice call.
It was a complicated situation, as we weren’t technically dating but at the same time we were exclusive. She was extremely smart but she had some really unusual quirks. For the most part, we pretty much were dating, even remarked by her, but that term was sure taboo. That did always bothered me, because while it was simply just a term, most sane people feel a sense of security, of satisfaction and joy, knowing that someone else is theirs. She was easy to anger, so I honestly let it be.
And that’s where a good chunk of the problems originated from. I’m someone who is extremely flexible. And I thought that would mean if I’m ever with someone who isn’t flexible, that we’ll balance each other out. Because I’m flexible in what I wanted. In what makes me happy. So, cool, as long as we’re together, I’m fine with whatever. But now I know, I’m simply settling. Again.
But maybe it’s also the age difference. No amount of IQ can replace years of experience and maturity, even if you try to jump start it. The very subtle things that you can only notice by years of experience. She never got, despite it being completely obvious. I remember the time we had an argument whether not someone was hitting on her. Despite throwing personal experience and examples of that guy’s behavior, she was completely against the idea (which turns out, I was right).
And it’s that annoyance of the lack of trust and belief in me that started to manifest. Maybe not manifest, but has always been there. That once again, I’m taken for granted and not appreciated. Just saying you appreciate someone, does absolutely nothing. It’s her always turning to her friends of similar age for advice about anything rather than to me. It’s her never bothering to ever tell me what’s on her mind, that we can never talk things out. It’s her always wanting to be right and has the sass to always out talk me.
As much good as I believe our relationship could have been, I don’t know how emotionally, I could have survived until we’ve “actually” dated. I’ve told her many times, being with her is walking on egg shells. And even if I’m not walking on them, they’re bound to crack regardless. Basically, for the all good I can talk about what we’ve had, I can equally talk all the bad that came from being with her, which for her privacy I will not go into details. I let it happen. Simple. Her personality brought out the negative side of me. The insecure side. The nervous side. The depressed side. The lonely side.
I felt she was never there for me, when I was at my lowest. When I was at the edge, hoping to find a reason to not jump, she was never there to talk me down. And yet, I was always there for her. For a good year and a half, I was her shadow. A shadow that made sure she was always fine, physically, emotionally, and mentally. So when I didn’t talk to her for days, like how we normally would talk, because she was playing a game with her ex-boyfriend and their friends, I simply asked, nicely, could she make some time for me to talk sometime during that day, doesn’t matter when as I had stuff on my mind.
“Hm, I dont know when I’ll be free.”
I lost it.
A game that’s in beta. A game that will most likely be replaced by another game in some years (or may even flop). A stupid, fucking game. I’ve talked to others about this and some try to reason with me that it’s the hype of the game, that I wouldn’t have been angry if she was busy studying for her med school exams.
No.
It is not the same thing. It’s a game. In beta. There’s 24 hours in a day, if I’m not allotted some fraction of time, despite asking, what am I then to her? As much as I am very liberal when it comes to connecting dots, there’s no real dots to connect here. I’m not asking her to stop playing the game for a whole day. And to her credit, she did eventually reach out when she had a 30-40 minute break (probably in-between gaming sessions).
And that was pretty much where I gave up.
Because I was never the first in anything substantial, despite I always put her in my plans. I gave so much and quite frankly, got back little. I sugar coated it back then, but not any longer. It was then I realized that this was a toxic relationship. Despite the laughter and time spent with each other, I was not getting the love I deserved.
Did I end it wrong? Yeah, I should have called her. I should have spoken to her. But I still would have wanted to be by myself. Because who she is now, is not a good fit for me. And quite honestly, her refusal to talk to me shows how little I meant to her or just a reminder how negative some parts of her personality can be. Because, after all we’ve went through, she can’t be bothered to talk to me one last time. All the things I’ve ever done for her.
Then I can’t be bothered to be depressed either. Can’t be bothered to regret. Because even after a week has passed, those voices are still not around. This was the right thing to do, even if the actions were flawed. I still love her. I care about her as a person. And maybe, we could one day be together, officially. But at least, I’d still like to be a friend. That’s still, really, the worst thing about all this is losing her as a friend.
It’s really a damn shame, isn’t it?
“For as brilliant as my light is, I don’t need someone to absorb it. I need someone to reflect it.”
Time heals, leaving beauty marks, reminding us what we’ve endured.
The morning after
The worst thing about letting someone go is truly the morning after. That is, assuming you can even sleep. Because I damn sure couldn’t. Every 10 minutes, a different dream happens. What I foolishly did wasn’t real. She’d call back. It was all a dream wasn’t it?
Yet it wasn’t and now you’re laying in bed, trying to convince yourself it was the right thing to do. But that isn’t the main problem. It’s HOW you did it, and I felt like I did a piss poor job. I should have called. I should have explained. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten to that point.
I overreacted. I overthought. And now, here I am regretting. Is this what I truly wanted? Could I have said something else? The last time I heard her voice, she was just wishing me good night days ago. And now, I can never hear it again. Hindsight is 20/20, even if it just happened a few days ago.
If only she read what I wrote to her and knows the full story. If only I had taken a different approach. She would know I still want to be with her, it’s just …. things aren’t ideal. And it’s on my end. Just how the situation is, there’s no way it would have been good for me.
Even the friendship is buried, which is the worst thing about it. After all, she was one of those special cases that even if we didn’t work out, our friendship is something unique that we couldn’t possibly find elsewhere. If only this can be salvaged. She needs to know I still love her, it’s just I need to love myself first and that this is something that I must do.
And she was the one that kept those voices at bay.
Flayed Syntax 