She gave to me, a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it slowly and there it is. What could have been. It was completely her choice and I supported it. I’d be lying if I were to say it doesn’t ever run through my mind. I’ve had a couple dreams about it. And sometimes, I dare to think what would my life be if she had decided otherwise. Of course I’d do right by it. After all, up to that point, that was what I’ve always wanted….

What would its name been?

I’m surrounded by a lot of people who live a different life than I do. Every single one of them have beautiful relationships with their family. Some game, but not the type of games I play. They all have different beliefs and customs than I do, the prototypical American views of how you should live life. And yeah, I do envy them sometimes. It’s the very definition of normal, is it not? Just when, when did I diverge from the “American dream” or rather, the “Asian American dream”?

Was it when I defied my mother and made it known I did not believe in God? Was it when I got way into Anime and the gamer lifestyle compared to the in-crowd I was technically a part of,? I was never the most social but my personality was definitely enough to be in social settings. Was it when I was forced to commute while at college because my mother refused to co-sign a loan for me to stay on campus? Just when did I diverge from my day dreams back in middle school that before I hit this age, I would be married with a house, dogs, and a gorgeous garden for my wife?

And yet, here I am, playing my muse’s playlist, at 2am, and having these thoughts in my head. That, I am okay with the possibility of never marrying. That a future without a clear goal, is just fine. Thinking of several alternative lifestyles I’d be happy with. Is it because my heart is so tired of being ripped that it beats differently now? I’ve met people that I could honestly live together with, never in a romantic setting but in a way that, our lives would be fulfilling. This brings up a Hayao Miyazaki quote that I’ve once wrote about:

“I’ve become skeptical of the unwritten rule that just because a boy and girl appear in the same feature, a romance must ensue. Rather, I want to portray a slightly different relationship, one where the two mutually inspire each other to live – if I’m able to, then perhaps I’ll be closer to portraying a true expression of love.”

What’s fulfilling to me at this moment, is completely different from what I believe was fulfilling 5 years ago. I don’t feel as burdened, to live up to society’s expectations. I’m glad I met the people I’ve met in the past 2 years. There’s several places I would love to visit, just so I can meet them. I’ve looked at life in such a narrow view, partly because of the pressure my mother pressed on me.

I’ve learned to appreciate a different type of love. This love, of fully appreciating someone, not in a romantic sense, but loving their being and their sheer existence in your life. And this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this type of love, and I hope it’s not going to be my last.

And what kind of life do I picture now? What kind of life do I day dream about in between meetings? While waiting until my food is ready? While Im stuck in traffic?

Nope, no kids.
No house, as I kind of prefer a condo or apartment now.
No garden…

I fantasize being free. Free of burden. Free to accept whatever life gives me. But not because I’m sitting around and letting it happen. I’ll accept it on my own terms. Whether I’m alone or not…

If I’m alone, am I lonely?

What gives you motivation to roll out of bed? To not call out from work and just throw the covers back over. The sunrise is so gorgeous on a Sunday but extremely appalling Monday through Friday. What keeps you playing a game when you’re already in end game? Every incremental upgrade is such a chore in your min-max journey. What keeps you wanting to be in a relationship with someone that you can’t see and despite being together for seven years, have yet to meet? Does that person exist? Is your love real?

I’ve written poems and have touched on the topic of long distance relationships. In fact, one of my favorite movies is The Lake House (the American remake Il Mare, which reminds me I need to watch) and time is simply the biggest obstacle one can have. It’s either have too little time to enjoy, or too much time to wait, never living in the now. Can’t take back and relive the times things were great nor redo those times that were a mistake. Can’t peek into the future to see if this was all worth it.

I caught up with an old friend and spoke to her about her current relationship. Despite telling me a hundred reasons why she should end this relationship as it was not good for her mental health, she clings on. Hoping there’s something that still lingers. Something that will rejuvenate the passion they once had. Yet despite putting in the years, they have yet to meet. And due to circumstances, them meeting is not something that can happen anytime soon.

People say long distance relationships aren’t real. It’s a phase we all go through because we are disappointed with what we have available around us that we look further beyond the scope of reason. While yeah, you can fly easily anywhere and at anytime, we’d easily burn through our resources. It’s simply not easy and feasible sometimes, especially when it’s a one way street. And eventually, you’ll find that diamond in the rough at the local tavern, at the park, the bookstore and think finally, they’re the one I was waiting for.

But then there are those that still believe in these types of relationships. We’re still chasing that carrot on the stick. Even if we’re stagnant and it doesn’t look like it’s coming any closer to us. Because we’re fueled with belief that this is special and we can’t risk losing it. Because this is the last straw. We’re tired of being let down, of being told we’re not good enough. Not being appreciated. Why let distance dictate who we get to be with? We’ll work harder, get that promotion, set the foundation so that one day, we can take that plunge, that leap of faith into the next step. Even if the next step is gigantic and way too tall for our feeble legs to cross over, we’ll just bide our time.

Seeing is believing right? It just takes one look a few meters away, one slight touch to believe. To hear one word, just one word. Be it Hi. Let it be Sup? Or even Yo. Not through headphones. Not through speakers, even if it’s surround sound. But through the vibrations in the same air we’re breathing in, taking in the moment, trying to not hyperventilate that finally. For the love of God, finally.

This is real.

When you think of the worst type of fights, what do you think of? Leaving the toilet seat up? Forget special days? Jealousy? Anxiety? Not spending enough time with one another? Cats vs dogs? While those are pretty bad and some pretty petty, falls in comparison to one type of fight.

Fights from having the best intentions.

Any petty fight can be traced to a root problem. They tend to be pretty easy to dissect. Some things can be bought. Some things can be done. Maybe do this and that a tad bit more. Or much more. Or much less. Or not at all. And give up and just admit that dogs are superior pet to the inferior feline species.

But how does one tackle the situation when the fight begins with a caring and loving act? Not do the act again? Do it less? But it comes with the territory. And the problem doesn’t really end there. If the act was done with the best of thoughts, maybe that act needs to be done, or something needs to be done. Anything. So now one faces a juxtaposition, walking on eggshells that aren’t even hard boiled. And now you find yourself, squaring up, despite knowing all the non-right angles, and you find yourself stuck in a not so cute situation (sorry for the puns).

We tend to mistake things for one thing when they’re clearly something else. Maybe deep down, we know what needs to be done but can’t be bothered, or are afraid, to do the right thing, not for others, but for ourselves. But at the same time, even with having the best intentions, it isn’t necessarily the right thing to do. Because now we make presumptions assertions that we know better than others. And maybe we do. Or maybe we don’t. And now we’re angry and feel we’re the one being wronged.

Maybe flip a coin next time. Just one.

Because giving two seems like the wrong choice.

What is the process that one uses when one thinks? Is it a garbled mess? Does one have an mental workflow that one processes?

• If X then Y
• If A then B

But the thing is, it’s never that simple and never that easy. Because there are so many variables that’s qualitative and fuzzy that sometimes, our workflow throws an exception, we simply don’t know how to process it. We then learn new things that toss up the status quo, the algorithm but sometimes we fail to update our process. That we’re still doing the same wrong things at the most inopportune time. And they may not necessarily be wrong, just not right.

I’ve said this before but 99% of the time, there’s no such thing as someone being 100% in the wrong. People get pushed to do things that may or may not be in their control.

As you go throughout life, you learn. What has hurt you, what has helped you, what is important and what is a “nice to have.” We learn the social customs imposed on us while our generational creates, molds, and sometimes even destroying. The moral and ethically proverbial bulls-eye is moving that sometimes we can’t help but just close our eyes, aim forward and pull the trigger, hoping we land a shot. Praying.

Despite working in a field that’s mostly binary in situations, I find the fuzziness of social interactions fascinating while at the same time infuriating. It’s quite remarkable just how deep one can go to find the root of the problem, the genesis of it all. And yet, it’s quite disappointing the response, the complete lack of consciousness or maybe simply, the disregard.

Because the act of not doing can just be as bad as doing.

Have you ever felt something so bad in the past that you don’t want it happen to the person you’re with? Just as we wish our kids do not grow up going through that torture, knowing what it has done to our psyche and mental health.

Have you ever done something you wish to never happen to you? But then we have to consider why we did it in the first place. What were the circumstances.

Do you ever stop and realize what you have not done recently? Or ever? Or possibly, what have you been doing that you shouldn’t have? Or didn’t need to? Because it’s not important enough, that the cons outweigh the pros?

Let’s think a little more from now on, shall we?

As much as we’d like to paint broadly, the truth is instead we have to trace precisely.