Today, I celebrate my 8th year in my current company.  I first joined as an intern, with no promise of a full time position. It was contingent on several factors, including performance and need. This came around the time unemployment was pretty high in the USA. Last semester in college, too. Safe to say, I was extremely motivated to do well.

So much has changed since then. Physically/mentally. I’m far more open minded than I used to be. Used to think I’d never leave the area I grew up in and now I want an out. Always wanted to have kids but now if I happen to be with someone whom I love that didn’t want to have kids, I’d be fine with that. I’m more confident in finding another job, seeing as I have experience under my belt now.

A third of my life has passed. I don’t know where the next third will lead me to. I’m one who likes to have a tight grasp of the direction I’m headed to. Yeah, I’m a bit nervous. I had plans a year ago. To be married to my ex by the time I was 32. A kid. Settled down somewhere in a new house. Disregarding everything that happened with her post breakup, would that have been the life I wanted? Me still continuing to do 95% of the work, the effort?

And now I’m beside myself, trying to convince myself that I’m fine as I am right now. That maybe having kids when I’m at this point in my life isn’t right for me. There’s still so much possibilities, future is still a blank canvas waiting to be painted. As much as having choices and freedom is so precious and important, it helps when things are narrowed down. You should see me in a mall food court. It’s so difficult to choose where I want to eat.

 

I’ll figure it out.

You’re incredible. From the moment we started talking, I knew I was in trouble. I tried building walls and reasons as to why it should be strictly platonic but those walls have long been torn down. From the most farfetched reasons to the simplest reasons of why I shouldn’t think otherwise.

For someone so intelligent, I can see now where you’re as dense as the rock you’d most likely can break apart its molecular structure. Or maybe you do know the answer and just refuse to tell me. I have my hunches, and I have my theories about the whole situation. I don’t know, someone once said that adults tend to make simple things far more complicated. Seeing as we’re both adults, I guess that applies to you, too.

It must be hard on you. And I know the laughter I bring, the smiles I damn sure know I put on your face, and the love I vividly display may not be enough. Immaturity, guilt, fear could be factors. Time, money, responsibilities could be another.  I’m trying my darned best not to come up with answers on my own, because for one I don’t know what completely goes through your mind. And two, it honestly isn’t my place.

I want you to find your answer.

As much as I kept saying I’m sorry for confusing you, for entering your life and causing the script to change, I honestly don’t mean it. I fucking know what value I bring to your life, so I will stop saying these self-pitying bullshit. “What should I do?”….. it’s obvious isn’t it? But now it seems like I’m pressuring you, and that’s not it. I simply, firmly believe that…

You belong with me.

No, I’m not waiting. You told me not to. Whatever is holding you back, I hope you figure it out, if that’s what you want. Wholeheartedly, I do. Be honest with yourself and be honest with me. I’ll tell you my honest opinion about anything.
I’m falling for you.

In the end, I hope one day there’s no need for any of this bullshit hiding. You worked so hard to be such a strong individual, it pains me and I honestly shake my head each and every time you have to hide. You deserve so much more. And just like everything else you’ve achieved already, you have the capability to be set free too.

This is coming from the heart. Whether this is from one who’s in love with you, or one who sees you as a forever friend, a sister he never had.

There must be another route for me to take…..

It’s not about finding the perfect person, because nobody is perfect. Hell, it’s not even about finding the perfect person tailored for you, because more than likely, they’ll have some flaw. It’s finding what subset of qualities and attributes are enough for you. Some people have a low threshold while others have an unbelievably high threshold. And that’s fine. We only live once right? Some people don’t want to die with nothing while others want to die with nothing but the best. And best is of course, subjective.

Who are we to judge? And who’s to say we even need to find someone?

Just know that everyone has some worth. And each individual’s worth fluctuates oh so often. Fluctuates to each other individual. So before you feel inadequate, just want to say….

If your significant other hasn’t told you how much you mean to them….
If the little things you do don’t get noticed…
If you’re chasing a moving target…
If the timing is always wrong…

Maybe we overthink too much. Maybe we ask for confirmation when it’s unnecessary. Everyone expresses their emotions different.

Because I know how it feels to feel worthless. I know how it feels to have your emotions and insecurities trick and try to persuade you that you’re worth less than what you’re worth. To constantly compare yourself to others and feel the crushing pull on your heartstrings. When the cards you’re dealt with give you no easy hands. But see, you all have something that you, and only you, can offer to anyone. It may necessarily be “better” than what others may offer.

Be confident.

My laugh is infectious.
My pinky is extended whenever I eat or drink.
My Yu-Gi-Oh! plays are both YOLO and hella unorthodox.
….but it works.

And it’s these quirks that make us unique, that make us lovable. Because Im convinced that whoever is with me will know a love like no other. Someone who will put equal if not more effort. That they can rest assured knowing that they are indeed, the center of my world.

Yes, I won’t ever doubt this shit again. I promise you.

We’ll find our niche. Someday. Or our niche finds us.

Maybe.