Depression. Desperation. Defeat.

Those were the themes of 2018. Bar none, the worst year of my life. For 75% of it, every week was some form of mental and emotional torture. There were things I couldn’t walk away from, and yet so many things I never bothered to walk towards. Like new job opportunities, healthier habits, and always ran away from being myself. From doubting myself, not realizing my worth, letting people walk all over me, using me to enduring it all thinking this would turn out right for me, that my time will come, that everything would be okay.

No more.

I leave 2018 all that drama and people associated with it. At least, the emotional connections to those people. I don’t like to burn bridges, nor build walls but reservations are now necessary. But how can I make 2019 better? Do I start/stop talking to certain people? Do I step out from my comfort zone?

Im a proponent of not being stale. If the same shit is done, chances are, the same shit will happen. The whole…..fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me deal. And yeah, I sound like a hypocrite, as I foolishly walked into that abuse. Despite level headed people tell me otherwise, I still went with what I felt my heart knew. How can I judge those that do the same thing but their heart isn’t sure what to do?

We all have our own pace.

And mine isn’t rhythmic. No set pattern to my craziness. And people love it. It’s who I am. But I felt my tone this summer as pathetic. Im a ball of crazy entropic goodness.

I’ve met new people in my life that I wish to devote more time to because they make me happy. And I hope to make them happy, in whatever role I’m destined to be in in their lives, whether it be an older brother figure, a best friend, a confidant, or…..

Defeat will come no matter how hard I try. I can only just mitigate it. But this year, I refuse to allow the silence to get to me anymore. My demons will be held at bay. For I can’t rely on anyone but myself, despite telling others they can rely on me (because they truly can).

Some people are just given the short end of the stick, by people and by circumstances. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born in the poorest parts of the Philippines. Why expect the world to be fair? To be easier on me? The cards have always been stacked against me and that’s fine.

Heart of the cards, guide me. I’m going to take 2019 by storm.

The Greatest Showman – Tightrope
*One of my favorite songs from the movie.

One thing I’ve learned after being in relationships is that balance is key. Never too much of something and never too little. Too many kisses and the value decreases for each peck. Too little kisses and that leads to neglect. Hashtag, bars.

But how (and possibly, when) do we walk this tightrope? Everyone wants something different. What’s suffocating for one person another wants to be engulfed in it. What drowns the past, the current surfs that wave. We never know until we try (or don’t try) and see the results. Those times when we want to run after them but the best course of action is to stay put, knowing they know they’re aware of your exact location. They’ll come back to you, when they’re ready. Hopefully.

But there’s no such thing as perfectly balanced. So many external factors sway the needle. So many things are out of your control and all you can do is sit on your hands, ponder what the best thing to do is. What if this is a sign/cry for help? Are we supposed to act? Give space? We don’t know. And don’t let me get started on timing issues. Always at the wrong time. When the cards you’re dealt with are nothing but jokers.

And yet it’s the internal factors that we tend to underestimate. The subconscious fears / insecurities we hold. And how do we balance going against what we’re so used to (pain, disappointment) against what’s naturally a good gut feeling, a feeling we’ve attained by enduring so much already? When we think we know when to walk away, but instead, we’re walking away from people that willingly walked into our lives and want to stay, it just won’t be easy.

….and they could just be worth it.

But it’s hard. This balance. People get bored. Get less intrigued. The mystique is gone. Just how much space should we give to each other? It is this fear that has pushed me, day by day, to evolve. To come up with something new.

• A new joke.
• A new persona.
• A new me.

Just keep it fresh. It’s….tiring. But what else can I do? I fear it. This doll, fears it. It’s my greatest fear, that I can never escape from until I close my eyes for good. But I have to keep it in check.

Because I’m walking this tightrope, alone. Does it lead to her? That, I don’t know.