Category: Blog

One Year Later

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It seems like time is just passing by so quickly. Just renewed my lease for another year. And finally my entire apartment is furnished. Funny enough, my previous apartment is a tad bit bigger but I’ve only really furnished the bedroom. Not saying I’m an interior designer or anything. After all, everything is kind of gray. Neutral. Neutral everywhere.

Recently jumped to another company. Once you did it once, it’s going to be easier to do it again and again until you find a place you’d like to stay at. But it got me thinking. Is starting my own company in the cards? In the past, I’ve always said I preferred to never be in a leadership role. Get me to a position where you can depend on me but I don’t want to be in the spotlight. And even up until recently, I’ve always said “I can be a Vice Captain but not the Captain.” I can always step up when needed but prefer to still hang back.

But I’ve been slightly annoyed at how things are. Even if I gain clout, what good is it if I’m simply just a worker bee? The past year I’ve continuously inserted myself into conversations I wasn’t invited to. My name now gets pulled into important conversations and discussions. Im seen as a SME and have been building up my brand. But do I have the personality and drive to be any more than just a skilled developer?

At least I’m entertaining the idea of it now.

But I can’t say all my demons have been extinguished. There are days where I simply am not productive. Rather than sit at home and study, I’m considering to do some extracurriculars that can do some good. Trying to find some stuff on the side to do on the weekends and possibly weeknights. Such as volunteering for a good cause.

Between my career, getting in shape, finding productive use of my time, I look forward to where the road leads.

Vegas trip next month. Lit.

Cascade

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Personally, it’s usually never one deep stab that hurts the most but a multitude of pricks that just carve out one’s heart. Because when we get to that point, we ask ourselves why are we even in this situation in the first place. We constantly repeat the pain, we constantly repeal our conviction to walk away. It’s never easy to accept that sometime this simply isn’t for us.

Because we believe in others. We believe we can tolerate things that we never should have accepted to begin with. Can you truly help others if they can’t help themselves? Maybe we’re different, we’re the missing key to whatever will unlock the chains that binds others? Little did we know we free others only to find ourselves shackled by a fate worse than theirs.

But we always believe, right? Always have to.

Drive

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Sometimes all it takes is to lose something, or simply the threat of losing something to snap you out of it. After 3 eye surgeries, I started the year with a vision (no pun intended). For the first time in 11 years, during my annual review, I spoke up. I want to get to the next level. There were a lot of projects I was looking forward to, some in the making for years. I felt underpaid. Underappreciated. Undervalued. And with the risk of my eyes faltering even more, I didn’t have the luxury of waiting to see if I get what I deserved, what I feel I rightfully earned. I told my boss straight up that I know my value on the market, but I was scared. I really was ready to settle. All it would take for them to keep me was barely a 10% raise.

…..I wasn’t expecting to have moved to a new state, found a new job, and having almost a doubled salary.

In hindsight, I needed it. The fear was that they’ll give me the raise I wanted. Because I was afraid of change. I would miss all the close friends that I work with for almost a decade. But it didnt pan out that way. Barely a 2% raise and that I needed to “prove” that I was valuable. Yet they gave the title/promotion I wanted to someone who has 10% of my technical expertise. It was then that I snapped. Even though my boss said they would match any offer, I no longer wanted to be there.

After spending many nights past midnight, always given the hardest projects, trailblazed a lot of new functionality into their ecosystem, I was not valued. And I thank them for being consistent. Because just like a toxic relationship that’s hard to let go, so was my reluctance to leave a company that was all I have known. One night, I decided to test the market and let my resume loose into the world.

It was the best decision I have made in a long time.

Going through the interview process, realizing that unlike being a fresh grad, I myself had the power, the leverage to choose my own destiny. And maybe it’s because I was so entrenched by all of the hardships and difficult projects one after another that I failed to realize just how much experience I’ve amassed over the years. Still deep down, I was scared. I’ve never known anything besides what was within the walls of a single company. But I was also intrigued by what is out there. And once I’ve done once, the next time wouldn’t be as difficult or late.

Moving into my new apartment, having new people in my life, experiencing new challenges, I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. But it wasn’t simply just the new space and scenery that makes me happy. I didnt want to move and quit on bad terms. Wholeheartedly, I was angry. I was fucking furious. Even though everyone but 3 people knew just how much I was valued, management was too blind to see it. And maybe it was on me because Im the type to not flaunt or flex my accomplishments. I also dont speak up and played the role of the “company guy.” It wasn’t on them completely. I have a lot of the blame too. And thinking back, I wouldn’t be where I am today or as skilled as I am today without the chance to have learned there. To have had amazing people to learn from, work with, and also mentor.

But I dont know what’s in store for me. Knowing that I already have another cataract in my other eye, not knowing if there’s more complications with my left eye. For now, all I can do is enjoy this peaceful transition to this new chapter in my life. Because there’s nothing else I can do other than just keep pushing the pace, keeping my foot on the gas and simply drive forward.

But I do know sometimes it’s best to be on cruise control for a little while.

A site four sore eyes

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For those that know me, I’ve been recently in and out of surgery for my left eye. I had gotten a cataract when I was in my college years and the lens implanted was now loose. Should have been a single day for 2 types of operation but the doctors had an issue with scheduling. And now Im headed to my third surgery, with the 3rd and 4th procedure at least on the same day.

It’s been a bitch really, the past 4 months. Sight is definitely the most important sense and we take it for granted sometime. I thought I could handle closing my eye for a prolonged time, but it’s a strain. Even driving, which used to be so effortless is now the worst part of my day. At least the comfort of the people around me who care has made this experience somewhat tolerable.

And yet, there are those people whom you thought would be with you at times like these ended up being just like everyone else. Only wanting to be in your life when it was convenient for them. When they needed you. And when you needed them, no where to be found.

You dont need both eyes to see that those types of people aren’t ones worth worrying about.

Pedestal

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We’ve all done it. Putting someone on a pedestal. Whether it be we’re extremely attracted to them physically. Or how vibrant their personality is. How smart they are. The hilarity of their jokes. And how they make us smile. But what is swept under the rug, could be fundamental quirks about them that we want to ignore. That because of all their good, their bad is outweighed by a significant margin.

But we tend to compare volume and not mass. The simplest flaw can have cascading consequences. Even if you are part of their lives, you may be nothing but a bookend on their shelf. You ground them. Support them. But in the end, you’re never going to be a part of their storyline.

Just a novelty presence in their life’s novel.

Fix

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It’s sad that you can’t always give it your all. And maybe it’s because we’re sometimes drawn to people we feel desperately need someone like us in their lives, only to be dropped off once we’re no longer need. That we’re simply band-aids, something temporary in the grand scheme of things. But we hope, that this time it would be different. After all, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

Never is.

I’ve always said there’s such a limit to how much we can put in our bowl. Or who we plan to share the contents of our bowl. And yet, we tend to spill it to bowls that have cracks in it. We don’t account for the leaks because we feel we’d fill that gap. But in the end, it’s our very own bowl that starts to crack. But we don’t see it, as it starts from the outside in. Before we can notice, it would be far too late. Because we’d spent so much time pouring more into our bowl that we’re now exhausted, just going through the motions. Never stopping to realize and look for a fix.

It’s life. This is just how it is.

And it all started because our fix was getting our fix on fixing others and never realizing what broke the fixer is the fix in & of itself.

Playfully

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I’ve learned to curb my expectations. Not to say I’m completely cynical, but more like that even though I’m not religious, it feels like sometimes a higher being is pulling the strings of this comedic tragic play that I call my life. Front and center. And yet they all exit stage left.

Many of us may want to see the spoilers ahead of time. Is this worth watching? Is this worth being invested in? Who are the main cast members and who are simply episodic extras? Obviously we’re the hero right? Or possibly, we are our own antagonistic villains.

Are we in the third Act or are we still building up to what we’re destined for?

Reinventing the wheel

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Kind of sucks taking triple the amount of melatonin that I usually take and still be unable to sleep. Ended up having the urge to write something meaningful here.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve made strides to somewhat start fresh. Part of it was killing off Rhem and the whole “online persona” thing I’ve long been attached to. Whether it be changing certain sites, certain accounts to reflect a different name. And the history of this handle is so rich, mired with both controversy and also memories I dare not try to forget. So as many New Years resolutions out there, this attempt is tragically failing.

This blog originally started because I felt some regret deleting my Xanga years back. Didn’t really write much and pretty much shelved this until I was given a reason to write with some unexpected inspiration. Since then, it has become sometimes a pain in the ass. It was meant to be private, only for the eyes of certain individuals but it was spread and became a topic bored trolls in a certain dead game used to spy on me. But maybe it shouldn’t have been private all along and maybe there might be some use of this blog. If thoughts keep me up and I have absolutely no one to spill it to, then I shall spill it here and maybe, just maybe someone out there might find some use of my shoddy thoughts.

Vision

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Have to admit, I’ve been stuck on a game called Genshin Impact. Ever since I left the last MMO I played, I’ve been yearning to get back into a community. Yet, not going to lie, the community of the game is pretty shit and toxic, it’s mostly a single player game and I enjoy being immersed in the world. It gave me something to do and enjoy. It’s a game where each playable character has an item called a Vision, which allows them to harness elemental energy. Not the most unique thing but damn is the world beautiful…

Speaking of visions, it’s the last day of the year and we’re all reflecting. Thinking about what has happened this year to us and to everyone else around. Some are blessed, some more than others and many are far more affected. Counting our blessings and planning everything we can to ensure our own and our loved one’s survival and happiness. We reflect on what we want and what we dont want. What we hope to work towards and to cull any and all things that kept us back. Whether it be minor or major, every little bit counts.

I realized that I’ve put people on the pedestal that have no business being put there. The issue about always trying to see the positives in people is that we neglect to acknowledge the negatives. And that oversight leads to our own suffering, to our own annoyances but we think hey, this person is so worth it. But are they? Are they really?

Have you ever wondered why others don’t choose your company over others? That they’re only around when they need you? Not even in a romantic company sense. Just simply, why are these people constantly the sum of the company they keep? Despite connecting on an emotional level. Despite, seemingly, finding people on the same wavelength, you realize that they arent on the same frequency as you originally thought.

But then it hit me, that some relationships are simply best at arm’s length. I was a geeky, Yu-Gi-Oh! loving Asian kid in a mostly black high school and yet, I was friends with all the popular black athletes. I was able to mingle in their circle of friends but was never really part of the group as I was normally with the social outcasts. And yet, I was never picked on and actually was quite popular. I can’t simply force social ties closer than what is expected and wanted of me.

I’m tired. Some people deserve the work, the effort. Some truly don’t. When you become part of a cyclic, self harming routine, and you don’t want help in breaking those chains, keep those chains. Some truly are masochistic. People are utter disappointments. And Im done believing people want to truly learn and truly grow. I guess I’ve become a bit jaded. After all, there are things I continue to cope with, I can’t be bothered when people don’t seem to want to change.

I feel for the people that are truly broken souls. As I’ve said, we’re all products of our environments, whether positive or negative. And maybe Im bias for these types of fools. After all, birds of a feather….ya know? But people that have it all? That the worst thing they had to go through is having too much? The only enemy they ever had is within? They get to cry into their lovely fitted sheets at night, crying because they know tomorrow is a definite.

Must be nice.

So for those that worked hard, no matter where you are right now, keep going at it. There is no room to bitch or moan about things. But I don’t need to tell you this. You already know. I know you know. Even if the reflection is cracked, my vision is pretty damn clear, 20/20 even. It takes a broken mirror to realize one is a tapestry of broken shards.

First aid

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When’s the right time to let the blood flow freely? When’s the right to apply pressure? A few days ago I had written a post that details the last lingering feelings and thoughts I had for the most recent MMO that I’ve played but hid it after an hour or so. If the purpose of the post was to move on, why am I even writing such a post? And yet, I back tracked on that decision because I felt it had to be known and out there. It had to exist.

People cope in different ways. Some can completely block a chunk of reality while others forever overthink. Even in my last break up, I’ve had several people give varying views. Still be here friend. Wish her well. Tell her to go fuck off. It’s not right to harbor negative emotions. It’s healthy to despise people.

After all, I despise my father and have completely moved on in my life. Even though he reached back to me asking for my social security number (assuming he was probably putting me as a beneficiary in case he passed away), I rejected him and told him that I am perfectly fine the way things are. This bridge has long been burnt and a massive wall has been built in its place, with me no having no plans to scale it.

And yet there are times where I do simply let it go, because I felt any hold on my emotions is an L on my scorecard. It takes energy. Especially when it’s regarding people that have absolutely no bearing to my livelihood. So, in that vantage point, I should have simply let it go, right?

Issue was, it wasn’t about the pointless people that I had spent more than an hour typing about. It was about me. The situation was set that, I had absolutely no one to tell my side to completely. I felt completely hopeless in a situation that I should have never been part of. By sweeping this under the rug, it invalidates those times where I felt wronged. It invalidates the anger that I had. Or rather, have.

And is that anger towards myself? Towards them? Yes. Because I should have fought back. It was not until the very end where I decided to put both middle fingers up and no longer take shit. This whole nice guy side of me forever keeps me finishing last. I’ve said it before that it’s easier to blame myself because I can’t change others. Problem is, I’m taking hits I shouldn’t be taking. I can only tank for so long.

I need healing, too.

So I republished that post. My feelings are my feelings. My anger needs to rage on, or else bottling inside will suffocate me. And even if no one knows the complete story of things, I still have the takeaways, the lessons learned from it. After all, I do need fuel for my art.

Less of “I’m sorry” and way more “Fuck it.”