What is the process that one uses when one thinks? Is it a garbled mess? Does one have an mental workflow that one processes?

• If X then Y
• If A then B

But the thing is, it’s never that simple and never that easy. Because there are so many variables that’s qualitative and fuzzy that sometimes, our workflow throws an exception, we simply don’t know how to process it. We then learn new things that toss up the status quo, the algorithm but sometimes we fail to update our process. That we’re still doing the same wrong things at the most inopportune time. And they may not necessarily be wrong, just not right.

I’ve said this before but 99% of the time, there’s no such thing as someone being 100% in the wrong. People get pushed to do things that may or may not be in their control.

As you go throughout life, you learn. What has hurt you, what has helped you, what is important and what is a “nice to have.” We learn the social customs imposed on us while our generational creates, molds, and sometimes even destroying. The moral and ethically proverbial bulls-eye is moving that sometimes we can’t help but just close our eyes, aim forward and pull the trigger, hoping we land a shot. Praying.

Despite working in a field that’s mostly binary in situations, I find the fuzziness of social interactions fascinating while at the same time infuriating. It’s quite remarkable just how deep one can go to find the root of the problem, the genesis of it all. And yet, it’s quite disappointing the response, the complete lack of consciousness or maybe simply, the disregard.

Because the act of not doing can just be as bad as doing.

Have you ever felt something so bad in the past that you don’t want it happen to the person you’re with? Just as we wish our kids do not grow up going through that torture, knowing what it has done to our psyche and mental health.

Have you ever done something you wish to never happen to you? But then we have to consider why we did it in the first place. What were the circumstances.

Do you ever stop and realize what you have not done recently? Or ever? Or possibly, what have you been doing that you shouldn’t have? Or didn’t need to? Because it’s not important enough, that the cons outweigh the pros?

Let’s think a little more from now on, shall we?

As much as we’d like to paint broadly, the truth is instead we have to trace precisely.

Some may find it easier than others to move on. To reflect and take with us the lessons we’ve learned to the next chapter in our lives. What keeps us flipping back the pages? Is it to see if we missed something?

How often have you looked in the mirror lately and realize you’re the reason why things arent the way you want them to be? Have you realized that some things weren’t meant to be, no matter who you blame? That includes others and yourself. How about we get out of that bubble we so enjoy stewing our thoughts and delusions in? Just poke it. Try it once.

I have to say, it’s not as easy it is to put thought into words as I have last year. But maybe, it’s simply because the words I want to express, are now displayed in other ways.

Pictures. Experiences. Laughter. Smiles.

My world, my life…. I’m living it.

FlayedSyntax is still me. It’s here to stay. It just won’t be the singular window anymore. I still have the power what goes on in here…

…despite the regretful open door policy.

Keep reading. Enjoy.

Not officially a whole year but since I rarely have the motivation (or time and energy) to write these days it’s as close as it could get. Since then I’ve met several new people that have changed my life for the better. And I got to know me more better, too. Realizing some aspects of my personality I never knew as well as had me second guessing what I wanted in life.

Did I want to have kids for myself or was it for my mom who I’ve always yearn to make happy? What makes ME happy? What type of lifestyle did I want? A house? A condo or even an apartment is fine with me. What’s truly the most important thing for me? Now, next year, next decade, until my final days?

Is it wise to fully invest everything into someone? All your resources, your time, your effort, your love? I still don’t know. The optimist in me knows the answer is yes, for the right person. But the realist? … still a hard pill to swallow honestly. Some say we should stop looking, the right person will find us. But what if they’re not looking, too? Or completely blind and jaded? Many won’t get everything we want in this lifetime. Even those that ask for the bare minimum. We’ll try, we’ll hope but we shouldn’t expect. Shouldn’t.

Honestly, I don’t know where I’m going with this blog post, or this blog period. I was reminded I had a blog when my credit card was charged to keep my domain name lol. And I love flayedsyntax. It’s me. Even if folks I didn’t want got a hold of it.

I’ll just do my best.

I was told sometimes it’s best to not always let yourself be available. Because people then take you for granted. Every little important thing you do. Every large and grandeur surprises you do now become the norm. And the funny thing is, you do these small and large things because you WANT it to be the norm. That you can’t help but do it for them because it’s them. You try your best to not be stale, to have fresh and unique things to bring to the table like a new inside joke as old ones are worn out. Or a different show to binge watch on.

And we give ourselves away willingly. Not expecting much in return but low-key only expecting to be appreciated. But when it becomes the norm, sometimes they see something else shiny and go for it. I mean, can you blame people for always wanting more? To always want subjectively the best for themselves? I mean, I always want to upgrade my phone every year.

But for things I’m tremendously sentimental on I prefer and want what I have. I own a dolphin necklace with a piece of rice with my name on it that no set of bling would ever replace. And maybe things may get rough, may be broken but if it was worth diving into  in the first place, it’s also worth trying to fix. All it takes is just effort, right? In the end, I’ll still go at it full force. Because I just can’t help giving all of me. Even if it’s thrown back at me, I have no regrets.

Maybe what glittered was gold after all?

I was a cocky dude in high school. Well, let me give myself some credit, I was a pretty confident dude in high school as I had a leg up on the average high school student as I was already in an internship with a scholarship attached. You should be proud of your accomplishment. Stay humble, but still be proud. Thing was, one of my main weaknesses in high school I never truly grasped and worked on. It was very apparent when I struggled in AP Physics/AP Calculus but since I was already accepted in my college, all I needed to do was pass.

And that, was the problem.

I’m no genius but I am indeed above the average curve. Others have done/achieved more than I have (a certain lovely smol person comes to mind). The thing was, I never truly “studied” much outside of studying to simply remember enough material to pass my exams. Problem solving was not my forte. I got by really well by somehow just “getting” the material in most classes. I never truly struggled until senior year but I attributed that to senioritis….. that lasted into junior year of college.

It was there that I hit a proverbial wall. Simply put, I didn’t learn how to learn. When facing an obstacle I can’t simply walk through, I didn’t know how to get past it. Didn’t know how to climb over, dig under, or muddle my way around it. I froze. And failed. Not once, but twice my programming class. And also, my Japanese 3 class. Why? Not only was I stumped, but was also lazy. Did enough just to get by. Problems at home also drove me to be unmotivated.

My sensei knew, and she couldn’t give a rat’s ass to my excuses.

My sensei was a Spartan woman who was extremely old fashioned. Married a white military man, she moved her to the states and had goals of her own as well (Doctorate in Philosophy).  She stood 4’10 but my god was she the scariest professor I’ve ever had the privilege of taking. She knew I tried to do my homework literally an hour or so before class and sometimes in class so she’d switch things up simply to catch me in the act. This was easy to do when that Japanese 2 class only had 8 people.

I hit a very low point in my college life junior year to the point that I thought I was going to drop out and lose my scholarship/internship. GPA dipped, problems at home affected me, and the fear of losing health insurance/finding a job. I failed 2 classes that semester, and both classes defined who I was at that point in my life: Computer Science and Japanese.

What am I? Where am I headed? Why am I crashing and burning?

My sensei didn’t mince words. I didn’t do the work. There’s nothing I could do. I was going to get that F for her class. No matter how much makeup work I do, no matter how many assignment revisions, I was getting that failing grade. And yet, all the while she was adding to the grave being dug for me, the look in her eyes believed in me. That I deserved this to get better. That this isn’t where my career will be buried.

“Live life, <last name>-san. It’s easy to make money. Money always out there. Harder to be happy and be proud.”
“If you go to Japan, we’d look at you funny. Hey, you look like us, why your Japanese bad?”
“You don’t deserve to pass.”

She had health issues ever since I’ve known her. This Spartan woman was so intimidating and yet still so physically fragile. The amount of assignments she gave us must have been hard to grade but she persevered because those hard assignments were extremely effective in teaching us Japanese grammar. When all but one person failed the first exam the second time I took Japanese 3, she was on the verge of tears. She cared THAT much for her students.

Every now and then she breaks off from lecture to talk about her life, which is what her dissertation was on. Being a Japanese woman married to an American male. The culture shock. The trials and tribulations. She gave us life lessons, and believed in every single student. It was not until the last day in class (the second time) that she believed in me highly.

“I knew you always had it in you. I can tell you’re just doing enough to get by.”

I got an A the second time around. My issue was never the grammar, that was easy. It was remembering (I have terrible vocabulary memory), doing the homework (on time) and my calligraphy (my penmanship is chicken scratch).

It’s been more than 9 years since I’ve spoken to her and I just read that her husband died just a few months ago. But I’m just too scared to reach out to her. Would it weird her out? I know her Facebook, don’t know any personal e-mail address. Does she even use that Facebook? I’ve reflected so much since college and I don’t think I ever gave her thanks.

Sensei, thank you for giving me that F. I needed to be thrown into the fire because I was frozen this entire time. You didn’t pity me. Didn’t believe in my excuses. Didn’t baby me a single bit. You challenged and threw me things that you know I could overcome, if only enough effort was given by me. Didn’t throw me any softballs or given me an easy out, because you know the rewards of hard work.

I needed that.

What is the purpose of my blog? Was this just a newer incarnation of my old Xanga blog that I wrote random posts filled with teenage angst? At the moment, I truly don’t know the direction of where I want to take this blog. Ive written long posts and then there’s my thoughts that are a few sentences long.

I started this blog (again) for mainly 2 reasons: Vent my emotions through words due to a broken heart and to have those words read by someone I was entranced with (who so happened to be the one that encouraged me to start the blog). It was also a way to communicate with that person in a passive way as our schedules conflicted.

Then it became somewhat of a Twitter feed with those short untitled posts. Usually either blowing steam, a certain thought on my mind, or just something I want to say to someone but I can’t (or won’t). Truth be told, it’s these types of posts that take up a majority of my blog and it, in a way, makes me dislike what my blog became to be.

What is my purpose on this platform?

It’s been a roller coaster of half a year. I initially had plans but things got in the way. Bonds with people changed, disappeared and finally are reborn. Focus became hazy and then redirected. What drove me to write back then was heart break, an unexpected desire to be heard and (to be honest) self pity. It’s easier to write back then when everything seemed bleak. But now that the sunlight’s back in my favor, what can I complain about? And having difficulty to write with that premise isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just means the landscape is more favorable to my next journey.

Or is the mishmash of randomness what’s perfect for my blog? Still haven’t even come up with a new layout. This is indeed, a window to my mind and heart. It isn’t a blog dedicated to food. Or to poetry. No reviews of entertainment or anything. Stepping into this blog means stepping into my warped mind. Is that my selling pitch as to why you, the readers, should visit?

But life’s good. It can be better obviously. And it’s within my power to make it so. I booked my flight to Los Angeles to attend Anime Expo and Disneyland this coming summer. For myself, by myself. I need to do this more often. It’s what I deserve.

The future is still too bright. It’s a bit scary at the moment. I’m treading a lifestyle and mindset I’ve never thought I’d have. Wish I had this sooner. There simply isn’t just a single picture of how my future can be. Why be discouraged when life takes me away from it?

The march to March begins.

Let’s go.

They say if you love something, let it go
If it comes back it’s yours, that’s how you know.

Christina Aguilera’s song “What a girl wants” happened to be one of my favorite songs. Catchy as it is, it has very important messages:

• Patience
• Giving space
• Hope
• Trust
• Empathy

Though despite knowing this, it took me 2 decades to actually absorb and make it part of me. When I started dating, I thought you had to be connected to the hip, have to talk 24/7. That is, to remain in a healthy and loving relationship. Back then, each time I couldn’t speak to whomever I was dating within our usual time of talking, I would get nervous, scared, always thinking something was up. That I’m being left behind. I mean, yeah I still give myself slack because in high school, there wasn’t much you can do back then. I slip up sometimes even now.

When my ex lived with me for almost a year, I thought this would prove that we belonged with each other. Nightly Netflix and chill. Morning forehead kisses. Dinner dates. Trying out new recipes. Morning walks. Sunset and sunrise viewing.

Thing is, most of that ever happened.

I’ll not beat a dead horse as I’ve learned to accept my ex for what she was to me. But the person that I am, I still think about why it happened the way it did. For training and quality purposes of course. I felt I had a hand in it, a severe impact. While yeah, I made her happy initially by giving her the world, she never did anything to deserve it. And that world I gave, was my world, not ours. She did not own a plot of land and that was the problem.

I read the situation and her wrong. I was supportive. I helped her at any chance that I got. I was patient. I trusted she would never hurt me. I wanted to believe she can achieve her dreams. But she didn’t need that. She needed to grow up and I babied her. Now I’m not saying the above is wrong. There’s a limit to just how much a person can do without help. But I didn’t teach her to fish, I just gave her the cooked filet.

She wasn’t motivated to be on her own, I was her life. And while that’s sweet, that’s also highly fragile. Because then I can’t rely on her when it was my turn to be weak. What kind of relationship is it when the foundation is so weak? And it wasn’t even job/professional aspect that she didn’t have, she didn’t truly have a hobby either. She didn’t know what to do on her spare time.

When your significant other enjoys life and has goals, that makes the relationship and attraction stronger. We all need our time apart. Without time apart, there’s a high chance of boredom, of taking things for granted. When my ex lived with me, we HARDLY spent time with each other, despite being next to each other every night.

And think about it this way. Having separate time could actually help in finding out new things to try with each other. Like divide and conquering life. You go this way, I’ll go this way and we’ll reconvene. Tell me how that food stall is on the left and I’ll try out this stall on the right. Seems more efficient to me.

It’s telling when there’s such an unlimited possible things your significant other can do on a daily basis and yet they always find some time to squeeze you in. Do you know how much anime, games, amusement parks, clubs, retreats and other events they could be doing? I used to not appreciate that, but I think everyone has a point where they don’t.

Now, I’m not saying I don’t WANT to be connected to the hip. If I lay in bed with my lover for the entire day, that’s one amazing day for me. I want as much time with her as possible, because I know I can get her to laugh, let her enjoying roasting me. I want her attention all to myself. I want my presence to always be known. I want her engulfed in my love. I’m just saying if she wants to do something else…

It’s fine. Have fun. Because she knows I can do something else myself.

And shortly later, when we come back together, my jokes are fresh with the fresh new material I experienced in my solo expedition. That I did something stupidly (but adorably) dumb that gives her more reasons to roast me. And chances are, even when we are doing our own thing, we probably have each other in mind sometime in that separation.

• This reminds me of…
• Oh, I can’t wait to tell…
• I want to see this with.

The amount of space between us isn’t as important when the bond we have with each other is just that strong.

Today, I celebrate my 8th year in my current company.  I first joined as an intern, with no promise of a full time position. It was contingent on several factors, including performance and need. This came around the time unemployment was pretty high in the USA. Last semester in college, too. Safe to say, I was extremely motivated to do well.

So much has changed since then. Physically/mentally. I’m far more open minded than I used to be. Used to think I’d never leave the area I grew up in and now I want an out. Always wanted to have kids but now if I happen to be with someone whom I love that didn’t want to have kids, I’d be fine with that. I’m more confident in finding another job, seeing as I have experience under my belt now.

A third of my life has passed. I don’t know where the next third will lead me to. I’m one who likes to have a tight grasp of the direction I’m headed to. Yeah, I’m a bit nervous. I had plans a year ago. To be married to my ex by the time I was 32. A kid. Settled down somewhere in a new house. Disregarding everything that happened with her post breakup, would that have been the life I wanted? Me still continuing to do 95% of the work, the effort?

And now I’m beside myself, trying to convince myself that I’m fine as I am right now. That maybe having kids when I’m at this point in my life isn’t right for me. There’s still so much possibilities, future is still a blank canvas waiting to be painted. As much as having choices and freedom is so precious and important, it helps when things are narrowed down. You should see me in a mall food court. It’s so difficult to choose where I want to eat.

I’ll figure it out.