You’re incredible. From the moment we started talking, I knew I was in trouble. I tried building walls and reasons as to why it should be strictly platonic but those walls have long been torn down. From the most farfetched reasons to the simplest reasons of why I shouldn’t think otherwise.

For someone so intelligent, I can see now where you’re as dense as the rock you’d most likely can break apart its molecular structure. Or maybe you do know the answer and just refuse to tell me. I have my hunches, and I have my theories about the whole situation. I don’t know, someone once said that adults tend to make simple things far more complicated. Seeing as we’re both adults, I guess that applies to you, too.

It must be hard on you. And I know the laughter I bring, the smiles I damn sure know I put on your face, and the love I vividly display may not be enough. Immaturity, guilt, fear could be factors. Time, money, responsibilities could be another.  I’m trying my darned best not to come up with answers on my own, because for one I don’t know what completely goes through your mind. And two, it honestly isn’t my place.

I want you to find your answer.

As much as I kept saying I’m sorry for confusing you, for entering your life and causing the script to change, I honestly don’t mean it. I fucking know what value I bring to your life, so I will stop saying these self-pitying bullshit. “What should I do?”….. it’s obvious isn’t it? But now it seems like I’m pressuring you, and that’s not it. I simply, firmly believe that…

You belong with me.

No, I’m not waiting. You told me not to. Whatever is holding you back, I hope you figure it out, if that’s what you want. Wholeheartedly, I do. Be honest with yourself and be honest with me. I’ll tell you my honest opinion about anything.
I’m falling for you.

In the end, I hope one day there’s no need for any of this bullshit hiding. You worked so hard to be such a strong individual, it pains me and I honestly shake my head each and every time you have to hide. You deserve so much more. And just like everything else you’ve achieved already, you have the capability to be set free too.

This is coming from the heart. Whether this is from one who’s in love with you, or one who sees you as a forever friend, a sister he never had.

There must be another route for me to take…..

It’s not about finding the perfect person, because nobody is perfect. Hell, it’s not even about finding the perfect person tailored for you, because more than likely, they’ll have some flaw. It’s finding what subset of qualities and attributes are enough for you. Some people have a low threshold while others have an unbelievably high threshold. And that’s fine. We only live once right? Some people don’t want to die with nothing while others want to die with nothing but the best. And best is of course, subjective.

Who are we to judge? And who’s to say we even need to find someone?

Just know that everyone has some worth. And each individual’s worth fluctuates oh so often. Fluctuates to each other individual. So before you feel inadequate, just want to say….

If your significant other hasn’t told you how much you mean to them….
If the little things you do don’t get noticed…
If you’re chasing a moving target…
If the timing is always wrong…

Maybe we overthink too much. Maybe we ask for confirmation when it’s unnecessary. Everyone expresses their emotions different.

Because I know how it feels to feel worthless. I know how it feels to have your emotions and insecurities trick and try to persuade you that you’re worth less than what you’re worth. To constantly compare yourself to others and feel the crushing pull on your heartstrings. When the cards you’re dealt with give you no easy hands. But see, you all have something that you, and only you, can offer to anyone. It may necessarily be “better” than what others may offer.

Be confident.

My laugh is infectious.
My pinky is extended whenever I eat or drink.
My Yu-Gi-Oh! plays are both YOLO and hella unorthodox.
….but it works.

And it’s these quirks that make us unique, that make us lovable. Because Im convinced that whoever is with me will know a love like no other. Someone who will put equal if not more effort. That they can rest assured knowing that they are indeed, the center of my world.

Yes, I won’t ever doubt this shit again. I promise you.

We’ll find our niche. Someday. Or our niche finds us.

Maybe.

Depression. Desperation. Defeat.

Those were the themes of 2018. Bar none, the worst year of my life. For 75% of it, every week was some form of mental and emotional torture. There were things I couldn’t walk away from, and yet so many things I never bothered to walk towards. Like new job opportunities, healthier habits, and always ran away from being myself. From doubting myself, not realizing my worth, letting people walk all over me, using me to enduring it all thinking this would turn out right for me, that my time will come, that everything would be okay.

No more.

I leave 2018 all that drama and people associated with it. At least, the emotional connections to those people. I don’t like to burn bridges, nor build walls but reservations are now necessary. But how can I make 2019 better? Do I start/stop talking to certain people? Do I step out from my comfort zone?

Im a proponent of not being stale. If the same shit is done, chances are, the same shit will happen. The whole…..fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me deal. And yeah, I sound like a hypocrite, as I foolishly walked into that abuse. Despite level headed people tell me otherwise, I still went with what I felt my heart knew. How can I judge those that do the same thing but their heart isn’t sure what to do?

We all have our own pace.

And mine isn’t rhythmic. No set pattern to my craziness. And people love it. It’s who I am. But I felt my tone this summer as pathetic. Im a ball of crazy entropic goodness.

I’ve met new people in my life that I wish to devote more time to because they make me happy. And I hope to make them happy, in whatever role I’m destined to be in in their lives, whether it be an older brother figure, a best friend, a confidant, or…..

Defeat will come no matter how hard I try. I can only just mitigate it. But this year, I refuse to allow the silence to get to me anymore. My demons will be held at bay. For I can’t rely on anyone but myself, despite telling others they can rely on me (because they truly can).

Some people are just given the short end of the stick, by people and by circumstances. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born in the poorest parts of the Philippines. Why expect the world to be fair? To be easier on me? The cards have always been stacked against me and that’s fine.

Heart of the cards, guide me. I’m going to take 2019 by storm.

The Greatest Showman – Tightrope
*One of my favorite songs from the movie.

One thing I’ve learned after being in relationships is that balance is key. Never too much of something and never too little. Too many kisses and the value decreases for each peck. Too little kisses and that leads to neglect. Hashtag, bars.

But how (and possibly, when) do we walk this tightrope? Everyone wants something different. What’s suffocating for one person another wants to be engulfed in it. What drowns the past, the current surfs that wave. We never know until we try (or don’t try) and see the results. Those times when we want to run after them but the best course of action is to stay put, knowing they know they’re aware of your exact location. They’ll come back to you, when they’re ready. Hopefully.

But there’s no such thing as perfectly balanced. So many external factors sway the needle. So many things are out of your control and all you can do is sit on your hands, ponder what the best thing to do is. What if this is a sign/cry for help? Are we supposed to act? Give space? We don’t know. And don’t let me get started on timing issues. Always at the wrong time. When the cards you’re dealt with are nothing but jokers.

And yet it’s the internal factors that we tend to underestimate. The subconscious fears / insecurities we hold. And how do we balance going against what we’re so used to (pain, disappointment) against what’s naturally a good gut feeling, a feeling we’ve attained by enduring so much already? When we think we know when to walk away, but instead, we’re walking away from people that willingly walked into our lives and want to stay, it just won’t be easy.

….and they could just be worth it.

But it’s hard. This balance. People get bored. Get less intrigued. The mystique is gone. Just how much space should we give to each other? It is this fear that has pushed me, day by day, to evolve. To come up with something new.

• A new joke.
• A new persona.
• A new me.

Just keep it fresh. It’s….tiring. But what else can I do? I fear it. This doll, fears it. It’s my greatest fear, that I can never escape from until I close my eyes for good. But I have to keep it in check.

Because I’m walking this tightrope, alone. Does it lead to her? That, I don’t know.

What is someone worth to you?
And what is your worth to someone?
What’s your worth to yourself?

To me, the things most worthwhile are those that are worthy enough to be subjectively worth your time.

Exchange rates between countries fluctuate. Materials and goods depreciate over time but sometimes spike in value due to supply/demand or unforeseen trends. Water is at its highest glory when one is stuck in a desert. How do we decide the worth of people?

• Our biological ties?
• History and time spent?
• Social commitments?
• The positive vibes they bring?
• Familiarity?

When we find someone “worthy”, we tend to go against previous established commitments, goals, promises. We go against our inhibitions, freeing ourselves from self imposed binds. Taking a leap of faith, not knowing where this decision will lead you. As someone who (at most times) thinks before he jumps, it’s scary not knowing where (and when) you’ll land.

But not always. Sometimes, we’re at that cusp before we take the plunge and yet we hesitate. We simply could be in a territory we’ve never been before. Feeling emotions foreign to us. Variables undefined simply because we don’t know how to define them. We can’t simply do just to do. But do we? And why?

Do we hesitate because we question their worth or do we hesitate because we question if it’s worth it?

 

Maybe someone more worthy will come around in the future.

I remember the pain of jumping from bed to bed back in the Philippines, then miscalculating one jump and slammed my lower jaw into the bed frame. I’d like to think that was what gave me my overbite but I’m pretty sure my dentist (aka my cousin) would laugh at that theory. I also remember the time when I stuck my right index finger into one of the holes of our storefront gate and got stuck for about two hours before family came back. That, was pretty pitiful. Oh, and I remember the time when my uncle slapped this natural honeycomb that somehow grew under the roof of our store and those bees attacked me. I’m pretty sure it was…..garlic they rubbed on my forehead as I yelled in excruciating pain.

My flight to America, I remember that flight. I woke up one morning, and was literally whisked away from the arms of my grandmother. I remember her crying, as she reached out for me telling me that it’ll be ok, in broken sentences. I remember that black jeep filled with unfamiliar faces as I looked back at my crying grandmother (my Lola), with tears in my eyes. That ride took forever to get to the airport, and seeing people with complexions I’ve never seen before. I remember my only solace was my other Lola (on my paternal side) who lovingly held my hand the entire trip.

That is, until she was sleeping on that long ass flight and I just kept looking around. I remember having to pee and seeing a toilet that’s much nicer than the one at home. Then, I remember landing in Baltimore and seeing my mother for the first time in many years (as a child, it felt like a decade). I ran behind my grandmother and yelled at my mom. I remembered the feeling of anger towards her, of abandonment (because I wasn’t treated as nicely back home because I lived with my aunt, who ruled the house). Told her she left me. I remember my mom crying, not having the right words. But my tantrum ended as I remember not feeling well that day, too.

And when I walked out of the airport, I remember the first time I saw snow. What new world have I just entered, and why was it so cold?

I remember eating cold Top Ramen noodles mixed with a single egg (because my mom thought it was a smart idea to cook instant noodles before picking up her son from the airport). I remember the first night I slept in my mom’s room, I woke her up, asking her “what is this sound? hhhccckkkkkkk”?  She replied :

“I’m snoring”.

Then I remember meeting my father for the first time. This “person” who I was suppose to love just as much as my mother. Who always complained about my weight (even as a skinny filipino kid). I remember the time he gave my cousin, the family favorite, his first computer. Why him? I’m your son. I’m the smart one. I wanted it, he never asked for it.

I remember quite a bit from my time in my paternal side’s household:

• The emotional abuse
• The verbal abuse
• The physical abuse
• The sexual abuse

Let’s fast forward this a bit. Past my first love. Past my first heartbreak.

When I lost my best friends, one by one. When I lost my bestest friend to drugs. He’s alive. But our friendship isn’t. My regret. I should’ve done more. One dropped out. The last, I gave up on him in pursuit of romance and other friendships. I neglected my friendships. The relationship keeping me afloat as my mother’s and I was tattered. Because one night, I saw the blade pointed at my wrist instead. And all I had was her.

I remembered every last detail of meeting my ex who happened to be my first time. The plane ride to Michigan. The lie my mother told me to prevent me from going to Illinois. My push to make what I wanted happen. Seeing her. Being with her. Giving her my first dolphin necklace.

The train ride to Illinois was quite possibly one of the most free I’ve ever been. I met my ex through a friend on Myspace. I remembered that emotion really well. That I can do anything. Anything is possible.

And yeah, even the disappointments a few months later.

Not to detail every single thing that has ever happened to me. But those details, they stay with me. Both the good and the bad. And yet, it’s the bad that resonates the most sometimes. Being able to remember such details works against me more often than to my benefit. Because my mind distorts what’s reality (or what I perceive as reality).

My “demons” as I like to call them, is pretty much a mishmash of randomness. An entropic emotional mess. It’s walls that encloses my heart from more disappointments, more pain. Because I overthink many times, thinking that I’m in a situation that I should be wary of. That it’ll end exactly the same way. Why bother? And it hits different aspects of my psyche. From my insecurities, to my unobtainable desires, to my feeling of hopelessness sometimes. It’s hard to explain and this post probably doesn’t do it justice until I have a firmer understanding of why I do this.

• I remember this feeling
• She’s like the rest
• This situation is so similar

I reach. Far, far too much. Funny that on this blog, I call myself an optimistic realist. Heh. If only.

I tend to sabotage things going well for me, because I’m so used to being a sad story. Sometimes, it works out and either I or someone else catches me before I screw things up further. And other times, too little too late. I can’t ever live in the moment, I’m always haunted by the past. I can’t let things go, because I simply…. remember.

If only I can cut things out from my memory. If I can just forget. I forget my passwords all the damn time. But the emotional rollercoaster of the past few months, of all the previous exes, the family abuse, it still fresh in my mind.

I’ll be fine the next morning. Lucky these demons can only be released every now and then, and only for a few hours. Right?

 

Earlier tonight, I took a step and decided to face one of my demons. My ex. I finally let that pain go. By talking to her and realizing the hate I harbored’s only purpose was to keep me encased in the past. I can’t do much about it anymore. Some people in the past told me it was ok to hate. Some said I should wish her well. I don’t regret how I felt, but at the same time, it’s spilled milk. I forgave her. Gave her my gift of laughter I’m sure she misses.

I felt my heart weigh a bit less the moment I hung up.

I can never truly get rid of all my demons. But slowly and surely, I’ll make it so that they don’t overwhelm me as much. Because I’m tired of losing people and myself.

One of the funniest aspects of playing an MMORPG that has a very, very low population is that it pretty much is a high school with all the unnecessarily necessary drama and stupidity. What makes it worse is that people tend to be keyboard warriors and say shit that they normally wouldn’t say in person. Unfortunately, even if all you want to do is make your character as strong (or kawaii) as possible, maybe talk to a handful of terrific people along the way, merch a bit you’re somehow dragged into it.

Funny enough, these tend to be people that have absolutely nothing going for them. Now and possibly ever. You know, if you aren’t 100% sure that your life is on point and far and above every facet of another person’s life, you really, really shouldn’t talk.

• Do you have a good, non-dead end job?
• Are you in college?
• Is your major not pointless?
• Ever had any professional internships or anything remotely related to whatever the fuck you want to do in life outside of gossip?
• Are you a good person?
• Are you not pointless yourself?

The hardest part is to simply ignore or not go down anywhere remotely to their level. People will drag you to do a mudfight because they obviously cannot lose: they’ve lost the moment they were born and given sentience. These people live vicariously through the pain of others because they’re shit and want others to feel how they are personality wise.

It’s just an online game. There’s literally only a handful people in this game that actually matter to me. The rest’s existence could be finger snapped and I wouldn’t blink an eye. The real fight? It’s actually within myself. I do get triggered easily. Very much so. But that’s because I rather not be in the middle of drama. I don’t walk into the crosshairs willingly.

 

This is a warning shot.

 

I’ve already blocked you and the biggest brown-nosing fairy on the server. Everyone on this game knows the kind, sweet and gentle side of my personality. But let’s be real. You all are insignificant to me. The only people that matter are those I care about and I have absolutely no problems with those that I care about. Let someone pull the trigger. I’ll put everyone’s business out there. I’ll bury you all. Oh, but yeah, I don’t really have much dirt on him and that’s fine. At least dirt has a purpose in the grand scheme of things.

 

Move on.

 

Or else.

Love yourself. You can’t love someone else if you don’t have love for yourself. Fill you cup before thinking about filling someone else’s cup.

Why?

Why do people say this as if it’s an easy thing to do? To me, it’s the hardest type of love.

We’re enamored by the emotions we receive and respond to others. The way their smiles light up our days. Their little quirks, even the annoying ones. The way they may look out for us the way we don’t consciously do ourselves. And we appreciate that. We’re loved. We love back. It validates our existence that another stole peers our way. We belong. We’re worth it.

And when we don’t have that validation, what then? Some can’t see what’s reflected in their mirror. The good qualities. The unimportant bad qualities that have been blown up. We can’t simply just say “I love you” and have that echoed back to our hearts and be accepted. It’s the hardest pill to swallow sometimes.

“I’m pretty enough.”
“I’m smart enough.”
“I’m somewhat funny.”
“I think I’m worth it.”
“I don’t think I deserve her.”
“I think think I’ll stay in the shadows.”
“I may be alone forever.”
We can love ourselves without being loved by others. We can love others and yet also not love ourselves. Because by loving others, we may start to see what’s good about ourselves through the reflection in their eyes.

Very few live this world alone completely.

 
And yeah, I’ll share it with you. Even if I wasn’t there firsthand, at least take my hand and squeeze. Let it all out. It’s a start.

One year ago today, I was thankful for being part of, at that point, a relationship that was going strong for two years. She had recently moved in with me two months prior, sharing every night with each other, waking up next to her and kissing her forehead before heading to work. It was just seven months ago that she told me she fell out of love with me, and that catapulted me into a two month long chase, as she experimented (for a lack of a better description) with someone else. And in that last month, I found myself on bended knee, asking this girl to marry me. She rejected. Coldly. She was willing to throw away everything we’ve been through, that we built on my blood, sweat and tears (yea, my) for a physical fling.

It was just five months ago that, for the first time in my life, I met someone who I thought checked all the check boxes of what the perfect girl for me would be like. Smart, caring, determined, strong, independent, a survivor of her own past. Someone who saw my broken wings, despite my futile attempt to hide them behind a smile and spent effort mending them. For the first time in my life, I was so sure she was my soulmate. Getting to know her more and more made me know myself more, or rather question what I knew and what I believed in. It didn’t help that she lived on the complete opposite side of the world, nor did it help on her many attempts to ghost me. But I was always fine with playing a background role in her life. Even if I felt she was my soulmate, someone who completes me, it doesn’t necessarily mean I had to claim her as mine. Whatever capacity. Always. And like a fool, I fell in love, deeply. This unrequited love didn’t hurt me, again, whatever capacity. But she questioned my love. As if it was fake, as if I was confused.

I wasn’t. I knew. I understood. I felt. I was. Wholeheartedly.

It was just two months ago that I unexpectedly started having feelings for one of my closest friends. Having a heart torn to shreds, then repaired piecemeal and then abandoned, just how much more suffering was I suppose to endure? And this was all self inflicted. Can’t I just be alone? If my “soulmate” was the calm before the storm then this girl was the hurricane that blew me away. I recovered quickly with her. It was as platonic as it could get. When another guy came into the picture, it was then I realized I stepped over a line I drew in the sands four months prior. I kept myself this time from going down the same path. As I’ve said before, same shit, different scripts.

And here I am, wondering if I should be thankful for this year of experiences. I went from daydreaming about my future, planning things out to now wondering where will this tumultuous ride take me.

Im confused.

I want to but I shouldn’t.
I need to but I can’t.
How much is too much? How much is too little?
When is it too soon? When is it too late?
Why must everything be a dichotomy of tragic endings for me?
Wrong time, wrong place. It always is, isn’t it?

In the end, I AM thankful. I’m alive right now. I have the ability and choice to write this blog, as broken record and messy as it can be. That I still can make my decisions. That yeah, Im broken, still, and maybe for a while but, I can be repaird. That each time I wake up in the morning, I know that I can take even more steps to be truly happy.

One step. Two steps. Repeat.

I dont think it’s ever possible to shut myself out from the world. Despite my best efforts to do so, I can’t just hide in the shadows. Because it seems like each time I do, some light seems to break through.

You.