Category: Blog

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Emotionally and mentally stretched.

To work in a profession where, in most cases, decisions are determined by evaluating factors and yet, being the complete opposite in real life… If the variable is less than X, do Y. Get the average of A and B to print out C. Don’t run Z job unless A, B, C completes successfully. I live and breathe logic. And yeah, upper management sometimes (usually, really) forces inane, illogical requirements down my throat, but most cases….logical. Why doesn’t it carry into my personal life enough?

Humans are irrational, logical creatures. I sure do love the dichotomy.

If you know me well enough, I may have said this once or twice:

“I refuse to be a slave to circumstance”

I hate, hate being not in control. Call it due to not being in control of how I was treated by my dad’s side of the family, of being the family black sheep, of feeling wronged by people in general. I didn’t have the power, the resources, the choice. I was a kid. But as an adult, whatever and wherever I am, it should be MY choice. And yeah, this is one truth, one promise I hold to myself. I should never, EVER, think about being ever powerless (you know, outside of…. things truly out of my control but still, can’t do anything but continue to fight regardless). Because the person I am today, what I’ve accomplished, what I can do, it would simply be a huge cop-out.

But what if I’m a slave to things I do have control of? I find it funny I spew this quite bad ass idiom (which I heard from one of my favorite games, Valkyrie Profile) and yet, I’m a slave of my past, of current vices, where I truly do have full control. Why do I continue to torment myself like this? How can I….simply shut off emotions and do right by me? Why do I care, why do I bother sometimes? Why do I insist on pulling the trigger of the gun aimed at myself….and reload?

It’s funny, being an emotionally driven individual truly is a double edged sword. The Goku effect? Maybe I grew up watching that drivel too much. Because yeah, the effect emotions have on me could drive and push me further than I ever could but, at the same time, can destroy me as well. Is it too late to change what fuels me?

I day dream a lot. I play an MMORPG and have watched a few Anime where players are transported and trapped in the MMORPG they play in. I’ve day dreamed that happening to me but with some sort of caveat. Like we’re allowed a reasonable request from the real world or something into our avatars. Like, a wish maybe. And my wish?

To forget everything.

What would I be like if I could just….forget everything. Clean slate. All my experiences. Just how much different would I be? Would that be a cowardly request, too? Our experiences make up who we are. What inhibitions would I not have? Could I be a leader (or a better leader)? Would I just be better overall….. would I be worse off? Even the closest friends I have, I’d forget. People that are my enemies. People that hate me, that adore me. All forgotten. Could bonds be reformed? Strengthened? Started? Never happened? Would they prefer the old me or the new me, whatever that may be? Ignorance is bliss right?

 

I want…a redo….but…I just cant. Not possible. And redo of what? I don’t even know.

Time is going by too fast. Can it slow down for me, just a tad bit?  Time waits for no one but, if only it could make an exception for me.

 

I can’t keep up.

Bars

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So, I’ve been saying this word quite a bit for the past week or so, especially after catching up on the whole Eminem vs Machine Gun Kelly feud. This technically was a joke between my ex and I. Two years ago, we went to an anime convention called Katsucon. Swung by CVS pharmacy to get some snacks + shampoo/conditioner (hotel wasn’t fancy enough to give us a decent brand). While I was at the register, the cashier saw my badge and was asking me about Katsucon. I told him some basic info and asked if he was going. He said no, because he was saving up money to work on his mixtape. I was like, oh, that’s sounds awesome. Then, he asked if I wanted to hear him throw down some verses.

…..

…

(No)

Sure.

He then began to spit a few lines, maybe literally 4 sentences, and then stopped to explain what he meant about being Moses and parting the sea (aka a woman’s legs, also I got the reference, it just wasn’t good). Told me I had to wait for the rest when his mixtape drops, with a huge smile, and said, slowly : Bahs aka Bars. I just nodded and hurriedly left the store. Like, I didn’t expect to have a preview of the hottest mix tape to drop in 2016.

It’s hard when you have all this emotion, a lot of stuff to say, and yet, I can’t find the best way to say it. Or maybe, that I shouldn’t say it. It’s gotten me in trouble in the past already. These raw feelings I’ve been having, and I just want to throw it down. Bars. But it’s these same bars that have me imprisoned in this emotional cell. Yeah, I have bars. But are they tools of self assurance and reflection or are these bars warning signs of a prison I’ve recently escaped from? Am I truly a masochist, in that I revel in this type of situation? That it fuels my desire to keep writing? To explore my creative side? Is it worth it?

I just want to run away from it all. Can I? Just escape. Writing down my escape route. Become someone new. Start over. Fresh.

I can simply just log out. Throw away the password. But I’d be way too tempted to reset it. Can I attempt to ghost? But maybe the loneliness may kill me.

This wasn’t in the plan..

I dont fucking know what I should do.

Day by day…

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…things seem to just be looking better and better. For the past two weeks, both work and personal fronts have gone back on track. From mid-August to early September, I struggled a bit at work. Not only was upper management ridiculous (and quite stupid), my mind wasn’t in the right place. My code suffered, deadlines were almost not met, and my state of mind was a wreck. Didn’t have the energy to do much really. Pretty much just waited, silently or simply slept. More and more did the situation felt extremely familiar, not the same variables but it indeed felt toxic. It was, in just a different form, a different formula.

But within one week, I decided to walk away from not just one, but two toxic situations. The funny thing was, one toxic situation beget the strength to leave the other. To simply turn your back on it, I finally have that strength, ironically. Whether not there was anything else I could have done is beyond me, but it’s over. Whether not what I felt is true or not, time will tell me, I’m sure. Vindication isn’t important to me, I simply just want to move on.

Day by day, Im gaining momentum again. Started to eat right again. Began exercising. Never have I laughed and felt so free to talk to my friends in such a long time in the MMO I play. My code is being delivered faster, more efficient. This won’t stop, this will get stronger and stronger. Because I’ll make it so.

Funny thing is, I really didn’t lose my muse. What I learned still resides in me. It’s a part of me now, and it’s not going anywhere. Even if she is gone.

 

 

I was there, wasn’t afk. It’s ok. You’ve helped me enough.
Thanks.

Regrets and Unfinished business

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It’s been an official 7 days since I’ve last talked to her or even seen her post. Soon, I’ll be counting down weeks, not days. Months instead of weeks. Years that has passed by. And eventually, before I take my last breath, she becomes an entry in a list of “what ifs?” in this lifetime.

Doors slamming shut. Worn out voice boxes. Soggy tissues. Bloodshot eyes. We’ve all been there. Fights. Breakups. Losses. What regrets do we have? What are things that we have said or done that we wish we could simply take back but we can’t? Or things that we wish happened, but didn’t and now, couldn’t? How often does that happen with you?

Growing up, my mother and I fought a lot. But I know losing her would kill me. Remember that scene from the Lion King where Simba kept pushing Mufasa after the stampede, to wake up his dad? My mom used to play dead with me as a kid, for fun, and it made me angry. She thought it was a joke but internally, I was crying (eventually, externally). I learned from a young age that even though we may fight, may have disagreements, or may temporarily hate each other, I’d rather not lose the people that mean a lot to me.

Let’s talk it out, shall we?

I never want to be in a situation where I’m in a point of no return. Just imagine, telling your loved ones that you hate them, only because it was a spur of the moment feeling. And the next minute, you witness them dying in your arms. Or worse, you didn’t have a chance to even be there at their last second of existence, with no way of taking back what you said. To let them know how much they mean to you. It’s not that I’m afraid of ghosts, they’re not real. I’m afraid of what haunts me internally: unfinished business.

Do you ever have that feeling? Of replaying a certain scene in your life, with a slight variation in chain of events, with possibly a better resolution? How would life be like now if it never happened? If I did this instead? It’ll eat at you and that’s where you’re not living in the now, your heart is trapped in the then. It’s not as if every and all unfinished business is fatal or serious. Sometimes, it could be for the best. Hindsight is 20/20, I get it.

But what if it was never in your control to begin with? That you didn’t have a chance to make what you want happen? What and how can we learn from it? We can simply think “Oh, it’s not my fault. I can move on.” I believe it’s easier to move on for things that are our fault or situations where we actually learned something, because it’s tangible. But what if you didn’t take anything from it? What if it’s the same lesson?

That life is unfair. This is probably the most common reason. And for cases like these where I’m shrugging to myself, not knowing why things went down the way they went down, just makes me shake my head.

 

Is it simply for the best? Is it simply just unfair? Or am I being played with by some omnipotent hand?

 

I wonder…

Confusion on illusion

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These have been the most emotional 6 months of my life. What a roller coaster of a year 2018 has been. Got out from a toxic 3 years relationship, getting back into the MMO world, falling in love with someone from Australia and now trying to decipher if everything the past 3 months have been a lie or a delusion on my part. The full story of the girl from the land down under will probably be saved for a future post. Right now, I’m just simply trying to figure things out, recovering from a recovery (yeah).

I’m someone who analyzes a lot. Sometimes, too much actually. In a social situation, I try and take an holistic view of things. Was I in the wrong? Could I have done something different? And if I did change something, what would the outcome be? Better? Worse? This is so I mitigate the chances of making the same mistakes in the future. Not like I’ll never make these mistakes ever again. I am human after all.

She told me she wished we never met.

Well, too bad. We did. And I’m grateful. But it bothers me why she would say that, actually. The people she has recently surrounded herself with are the very definition of scum. And until this very day, she believes I’m someone who simply talks to cute girls to get their attention. When reading a previous blog, she stated it was nothing but pure negativity and I truly, could not see where she’s coming from. I thought I understood her. Because she was a lot like myself.

And maybe, that’s the person I fell in love with.

The Japanese say we have 3 faces: one you show the world, one you show to friends and family, one you show to no one. The latter is the truest reflection of who you are. The thing is, while you may not show that third face, reflections of it can be seen from different angles, where you least expect it. But I’m not convinced there’s only 3 faces. That’s pure simplification.

Because people put a facade even to themselves.

We try to sometimes make ourselves the victim, that we’ve done nothing wrong. That it was the fault of other people. Maybe, we may paint colors on the portraits of others, colors that doesn’t exist in the spectrum of that person’s soul, yet we do it for reasons unknown. We tend to impose our own guilt or our own guilty pleasures onto others, knowing just how hypocritical it may be. And yeah, I was on the receiving end of all this.

The person who I was in love with have, for the past 3 months, painted this color of a womanizer on my spectrum. Literally, there have been stretches where I talked to no one except her and yet, it ended in her believing in that. It’s not only me she tells this to. She’s told it to others, so I feel like she truly believes it. And yet, she pretty much is the definition of what she hates. She goes around and chats it up with other guys, knowing full well they’ll start to like her. She surrounds herself with liars, cheaters, and people with the lowest ethical score. And yet, she wishes she never met me?

Maybe, it’s because I’m a reflection of the good in her that the bad has since washed away, or at least buried. We all have different sides to our personalities. I can be extremely lazy, very promiscuous in certain scenarios. My good side, that I’d like to call my dominant side, usually catches me before I spiral out of control. The thing is, she’s doing a lot of things that goes against what we both hated:

  • No effort in relationships
  • One sided knowledge
  • Surrounding oneself with humanity’s turds

I feel like, she is far too smart and ethical to seriously believe her own words. She’s experienced way too much to think so. But maybe, I was the blind one. Maybe this was her all along, and I didn’t think of it much because I liked her. I accepted her flaws but didn’t know just how huge they were.

I feel like, I let her down to be honest. I did promise her that I’d be as brutally honest as I can with her and yet, I held back. When she kept going out of control promoting her guild, I felt she was over-doing it. She was already tired. I told her, but in a passive way. I felt she was getting power hungry but never truly expressed it. Maybe being called a “Queen” was getting to her head. Royalty is pointless, in-game and also in real life. Blood doesn’t make a person a good person. She chases random people, literally, and in many ways, proves the gossip about her is true.

I don’t understand. We aren’t talking, and probably won’t ever again. As someone who hates unfinished business, this will forever linger in the back of my mind. What was her problem with me? Why did things go south like this? Was she just delusional? I feel like, I was a conquest/temporary fun that went wrong with her. She wasn’t supposed to catch feelings for me and yet she did. Maybe this has something to do with it.

Life’s hard. Confusing. But it doesn’t have to always be. Sometimes, we just make it so.

Unrequited

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Some say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But I feel like that phrase was coined by someone who’s never lost someone they truly loved. Or ever felt the pain of not only losing, but giving that love away. Unwillingly. Gift wrapping it and watching it be opened by another man.

I’ve been part of heartbreaks before. Not a simple crush, puppy love disappointment or anything. We’re talking confidence crushing, soul destroying type of heartbreaks. Ones that have left me in shambles, tears, wishing I was anywhere but in my own body because nothing could stop the hurt. Not even hurting myself. Each and every time, I try to convince myself that I’ll learn from my mistakes. That I’ll learn from my experience, that it’ll make me stronger than ever.

So why stop now?

I fell in love recently with an exquisite being. There were so many signs telling me to not fall for her. She’s fed up with love, too. I just got out of a very toxic relationship. She lives on the other side of the planet. She has repeatedly tried to leave my life. The fights we got into were childish. She has the attention and reciprocates the attention of another man. We’ve tip-toed around each other. I walked on eggshells. We’ve played a game of passive aggressive tug-of-war with our emotions. She told me she doesn’t have those types of feelings for me.

And yet, I fell. Why?

I admit no wrong doing. I’m adamant about that. But through an unlucky series of events and circumstances, it boiled down to my actions, however innocent in my eyes as it could be, made her fall in love with another man. And I accept it. The odds were never in my favor to begin with. As usual, the cards were stacked against me. I’m not going to play the nice guy and say it was my fault. Because it wasn’t. I simply just… lost her. Or possibly never had a chance with her to begin with.

Time stood still. Maybe for half a second when it happened. Or maybe I just died temporarily and my senses simply just failed me.

But through her, through this experience, I’ve gained a better understanding of myself that I’ve never took notice, or accepted. That someone like her, of her caliber, even looked my direction, even opened a place in her heart for me. It doesn’t matter if that lot in her heart is now vacant. I used to live there. Rather than sulk in what I’ve lost, I’m going to keep my chin up and remember, instead, what I’ve gained.

Self respect. Self confidence. Self awareness.

I regret telling her I love her. Maybe at least, my actions weren’t magnified for her to look and over analyze until what she saw was a distorted depiction of the truth. Or simply, it wouldn’t matter anyways because we’re just friends. But I lost her even on that front. This is a hole too deep to climb out of. And maybe, this is how she buries us.

Just feels like a waste. Doesn’t it?

 

I used to watch you two from the side and at least my light caught your attention, from the corner of your eye. But now I watch you two from behind in the shadows. No matter how bright I shine, you wouldn’t know. At least, let my light illuminate the path you walk on, even if just but a tiny bit.

Shambles.

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I believe one of my strengths is my analytical skills, especially when it comes to people and reading the situation. I’m able to gauge the scene, the atmosphere and with a clear mind can act accordingly. I can see the “unseen” or the not so obvious. This is why I give pretty sound advice and am usually not mixed in frivolous drama. The downside is when my mind isn’t clear, when depression or anger is added to the equation, this trait works against me. People do erratic actions when they aren’t their usual selves.

When you have an itch, don’t you just want to scratch it? When you have that rumble in your belly, it’s natural to want and grab a snack-pack to crave that urge (unless you’re on a diet then an apple or just curl up into a ball and cry). But if that itch is a rash, or if you’re obese and want to simply eat, why do we eat and/or indulge? The situation would only get worse by doing so. And yet we do, because of the temporary burst of satisfaction and pleasure it gives us. We don’t think a two steps and possibly one step ahead. We act on impulse, not caring about the consequences.

For me, it has always been to not only scratch, but to scratch until I see blood. I keep digging until I reach China. It gets to the point that I get so caught up in it that I no longer know why Im doing it in the first place. I get nothing from it, and yet I continue to do it until I am absolutely lost in the chasm of my trance. When I get to that point, best aptly dubbed “rock bottom,” it’s the worse feeling in the world. All five of my senses don’t function for a bit. A literal void. And when you get there, it’s natural to reach out, hoping to grab on to something or someone.

I’m a mess of complicated thoughts. Sometimes, I believe (I’d like to think) it’s what makes up my beautiful soul. But that means I’m hard to read, to understand. When I hit rock bottom, I do try to reach out, but I do it in such a way that no one knows I need help. Instead of sending an SOS in literal smoke signals, I would instead send it in binary, while encrypted and can only be accessible via optical recognition done in a 42 degree angle on a Sunday afternoon 3:43 PM Eastern time.

Maybe it’s because I put in twice, if not triple the effort when it comes to friendships/relationships and I expect others to do the same. I try to pull the confirmation of someone needing help when I’m the one talking down the person on the ledge. And yet, when I’m the one on the ledge, I dont even disclose which building I’d like to jump from. And it’s wrong of me to expect people to just know. There’s a fine line between not being able to properly reach out due to circumstances, and making it a guessing game.

It’s a cry for attention. Looking back, I admit it. We do it in other ways too, don’t we? We hang up on our significant others and hope they call back. We storm out of the house, and hope they are just behind us, chasing. Maybe those that have chased too much would like to be chased after, once in a while.

I had an episode this past weekend, and now I’ll have to live with the way the season ends. Hopefully, it’s just a season and not a series finale. I fractured a blossoming friendship with someone extremely special to me to the point where it may be impossible to ever glue back together perfectly, or at all. This is part of my dark side. It may seem childish, but the smallest crack can destroy a dam. Much harder to find, too. A machete is easy to find in a haystack compared to a needle. I know she would have reached out, if only she knew I wanted her to. I knew that, even before I did it and yet, why didn’t I chosen the best path?

It’s part of who I am. It’s also my nature, as you know, to always look back and reflect. I’ve never written about it before, in fact, I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone about it. Maybe to you once. I don’t recall. This part of me has persisted and hopefully writing about it puts me in a better position to never act like this again. That I’m still too passive for my own good. Just do it. Step up. Be more forward. Got it.

Accept me for the flawed individual that I am, as I have accepted you and all of your flaws and intricacies, beautiful as they may be in their own right. Maybe we’re oil and water as well. It’s either I anger you or you anger me. We both act childish sometimes. Yeah, including you. Could just be overthinking it, even now. But I’d like to think it’s because I care. Wouldn’t have given it a second thought if it were anyone else. I hope that’s the case with you, too. Doesn’t matter if we don’t mix well. We don’t have to.

I forgive myself. This shows that I am still a work in progress. That I have flaws in need of polishing off. If you admired me for how I was and am before all of this, I’m sure you’ll like me even more in the future. Guaranteed. Because I’m always improving, even if it means to destroy the foundations to make anew. I don’t see the door closed completely. I thank you for that. I’ll continue as I was and live, smile, write and improve. I drew you in once, maybe twice (who knows). Just continue being myself and we’ll see if it I draw you back in. Maybe that door would swing wide open for me again.

Howl’s Moving Castle

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Work today was insanely busy, and yet I handled it like a complete badass.

“Hey, the automation is broken because of <insert wrong assumption>”
No, as the creator of the automation, it’s because of…. *fixes the problem that I didn’t make*

“I think we should <insert dumb as hell fuckery idea here>”
No, what we should do is… *explain the best route to take*

“Need help with this in the lab x 2”
Hold my chicken, I got this… *fixes both problems at the same time*

“What’s your vision on our company’s biggest project and how we should proceed?”
Well, damn, the opinion of one person matters but I guess here’s my take… *pitches my idea*

I felt really confident and it somehow reminded me of Howl’s Moving Castle. Mainly the main character Sophie.

Do you remember in Howl’s Moving Castle, the few instances that Sophie turns back to her younger self? That’s quite possibly the scene(s) that hit me the hardest, and I just never realized it. Mainly because HMC isn’t in my top 3 Studio Ghibli films:

  1. Laputa
  2. Princess Mononoke
  3. Spirited Away

I always thought it was because Sophie “fell in love” and it broke the Witch of the Waste’s curse, the cliche plot. But looking online, others theorize that it was because Sophie’s confidence in herself is what broke through the curse (as in when confronting Madame Sulliman). In the book, apparently the curse wasn’t one that lasted long. Howl himself tried to break it but in the end, Howl understood it was Sophie who liked being in disguise. It was just easier that way for her and it’s how she views herself. It fits Miyazaki’s very strong feminist views. Sophie didn’t need Howl to survive, to live. She was (in my opinion) fine working in her hat shop before Howl came into her life. It was just that with the events in the movie, she found a reason to break her mold. She wanted to be with Howl, not needed him.

But the movie scene that definitely relates to me is when Howl takes Sophie to his special place, a simple house in a field of flowers. Sophie was extremely happy and turned young again. Her insecurities/doubts disappeared, so there’s nothing holding her back. Then she realized that this was a potential parting gift from Howl, who she may never see again. She then let the feeling that she wasn’t anything special, that all she can do is clean and be of service to him, to only follow and never walk side by side with him,  back into her heart. In that moment, she grew old again, despite Howl trying to reassure her that she’s beautiful (he meant inside and out at that point).

I do that often. We all do at some point or in every chance we get. Thinking that we’re only capable of what we perceive we’re capable of. Have you ever felt so excited about something, that all the stress in the world disappears? You’re in the moment, tunnel visioned to your goal. Then suddenly, reality (or what you think reality is) kicks in. Not enough time. Too much other responsibilities. Not capable. Not enough money. Fear of failure. Costs of failure. That happened with me recently (see one of my poems).

I need to watch this movie again and the Top 3 list may change. Maybe at that point, I really didn’t pay much attention to the subtle messages/themes of the movie. I need to buy it again because my friend, who borrowed mine, scratched it to the point that it skips randomly *sigh.* Or maybe, when I did watch it, I wasn’t in a state where the themes of the movie applied to me as much as they do now. Back then, I truly was confident on who I was. Maybe the younger me saw Sophie as a weak-willed character and couldn’t relate. Until now. And of course, the best line out of all Studio Ghibli films (for me at least):

A heart’s a heavy burden.

 

Side note: While researching HMC and what the messages it tries to convey are, I came upon a quote from Miyazaki:

“I’ve become skeptical of the unwritten rule that just because a boy and girl appear in the same feature, a romance must ensue. Rather, I want to portray a slightly different relationship, one where the two mutually inspire each other to live — if I’m able to, then perhaps I’ll be closer to portraying a true expression of love.” — Hayao Miyazaki

 

Hey, think our friendship is Studio Ghibli like? What would the movie be called?

And another one from Princess Mononoke that should probably be #1 on my list:

“Life is suffering. It is hard. The world is cursed. But still, you find reasons to keep living.”

Can’t remember where Princess Mononoke stood in your top. Check out the quotes. Dont you think you/we could relate?
Princess Mononoke Quotes

Calm

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I don’t know why I’ve never used Spotify before but I’m hooked. Always been a pro YT kind of guy but unless I want to see the MV, this is my new go to app lol. Spent all day listening to music, coming up with three playlists:

  • I wonder…  (main playlist of R&B, Pop, Indie and some rap)
  • Rhem’s Gangsta Rap  (lol)
  • Rhem’s K-Pop

Found quite a few songs along the way, and finding artists who I’m really liking their style like Chelsea Cutler.

So yeah, thanks.

I took my mom to our favorite Filipino restaurant about 20 min away. I ordered lumpia, pancit bihon and 6 pork BBQ sticks. I’m extremely in love with dem sticks yo especially when they’re piping hot. Looking at my mom happily eating just makes me satisfied with how life is, and it will get even better from here. Today is July 29th. I have one month. I’ll make it perfect.

Work is just….stupid. I’ll find out this week whether not Im fucked or super fucked. One of the two.

Ever felt like you’re falling? Not physically (unless you trip then your ass is just clumsy), but maybe emotionally and mentally? And by falling, I mean perpetually falling. You’re waiting for that oomf but it never comes. Just in a state of limbo. Not sure if you’ll land somewhere soft or a body of water, or you just face plant into cement. I’m kind of in that state. It’s neither bad nor good. It could be far, far worse. I don’t know. I feel a sense of unease whenever I feel like I don’t have a direction.

Maybe this is just the calm before a storm…

A “few” things on my mind…

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Single, not ready to mingle

I’ve always been afraid of being alone. Since I was 16, I’ve never had a whole year where I was not in a relationship (long or close distance). This kept me emotionally fragile with the inability of enjoying the company of myself, by myself. Lack of self-confidence and self-esteem is probably the end result of this. My existence’s validation is based completely by someone else. But this also made me eager to jump into relationships or to stay in one when it wasn’t working out.

I had a past relationship in high school where being emotionally torn by someone, I jumped into a relationship with someone else. It “worked out” eventually as I was happy throughout this relationship but I was also became very sensitive, very insecure. What if this doesn’t work out and I’m left alone again? I lashed out. Acted like a jerk. Wanted as much attention as possible. It was always a pity party. It wasn’t healthy, and I can honestly say I was to blame.

On the extreme other end, bending over backwards for someone recently to keep the relationship going is also a fault of mine. I’ve written about it on here, but I still can’t believe it happened. Being cast aside, choosing to witness it and expect to come out on top. I was naive. Foolish.

Thus, I give myself a whole year of being by myself. The exact date? Not sure. But maybe, any time after I’m 31? It’s not a hard-nosed requirement but still, I need this. For me. I need to endure this world on my own first before expecting to travel and endure it with someone else. I already know what it’s like to have useless baggage.

I don’t want to be one myself.

 

How many times was I truly “in love”? My relationship history….

I was told I fall in love easily., which I didn’t really think was a correct statement. But I took it a step further. How many times was I truly in love? I believe I loved, hard, in many relationships and pursuits. But being “in love” is a bit different. I believe healthy and fulfilling relationships can do without love, or the classical definition of what love is (….though whatever that may be). Survive this world together. Explore it together. Possibly reproduce. Why must it be complicated? You can learn to love someone. But falling in love?

My first brush with “love” was definitely in the 7th grade. Rochelle, was her name. This was my descent, in a way. A goth Filipina/white chick and I, a preppy “God fearing” Filipino/Chinese boy. She flipped many of my ingrained believes, such as the existence of God, paganism, “making love is just sex”, and the introduction of rock music to my Winamp list. We never went official, and it was obvious I was into her. Was it love? Heart beating. Would log on to AOL just to see if “sicfreakbaby” was on? Looking at her from across the classroom, and looking away when she noticed? Or was it an infatuation? We never dated into high school as we began hanging out with different groups. Her with the stoners and me with the advance placement kids (….and gangstas).

Speaking of high school, I definitely wasn’t in love with Erin, my 2nd gf who was my longest close distance relationship for more than a decade (7 months) from the 9th grade. She was someone I dated when the girl who I was infatuated with (Jen) at the time turned me down and went out with a stoner, despite liking me back (weird, I know). Which, by the way, was one reason Rochelle and I’s friendship was scarred for 2 years. Rochelle was in love with Jen but Jen was completely straight. Anyways, I began liking Erin after finding out she was into Anime and video games and she was a pretty cute blonde, too. We got along pretty well, so after a few weeks, we decided to give it a go. Within the first half of the relationship, I noticed that I had a jealousy and attention seeking issue. It caused issues and also Erin had a very clingy personality. It “worked out” due to similar interests and the fact that it was 9th grade. Though we ended up breaking up in the summer. I think I “loved” having her as a gf but nothing more. It was this relationship that I realized I needed to keep my jealousy and paranoia in check or else future relationships will be torn by it.

Jenny and I met at a weird way. When she was a freshman and I a junior, I first noticed her in a seminar hall. At that point, there were probably only 3-4 Asians that I knew went to our school so seeing another one was like finding a shiny Pokemon. Though I saw her in September, it wasn’t until around the beginning of December when we started talking. I stumbled upon her Xanga (where I initially blogged….and regret deleting 4 years ago….) and commented. At that point, she was still talking and hanging with her ex (who, was there when she began IMing me on AIM). I thought nothing of it but our mutual attraction and personality match eventually made us want to try it out. Problem was, she came from a troubled childhood and had depression swings. She was the first gf I had where depression became a major theme, and made me realize I had it myself. We only dated I believe 1 month before she decided she was still in love with her ex. Her ex eventually hurt her again, and I was there to comfort her. We dated one more time the next year briefly but decided it was best we remain just friends due to different lifestyles (she wasn’t necessarily a scholastic Asian and I wouldn’t have time for her in college). But I grew to love her as a little sister, protecting her from other guys that tried to hit on her/touch her (an Asian girl with a big chest, very easily harassed…).

Kathy was my first long distance crush starting in the middle of junior year. She lives in Illinois and I met her on Myspace. I believe she and I were part of a group for J-Rock. I decided to add her and we just connected. She and I hold the longest record of being on the phone for about 27+ hours? Yeah, never doing that again. But was I in love? I realized one key strength of why I always seem to attract women: I’m a man who listens and responds. Kathy, too, came from a pretty messed up situation of abuse, sexually and mentally. There were days where I cried with her because the situation was sometimes too much. But there were many laughs, many late night text sessions, checking my phone during class when she sends another message to brighten my day. She gave me time. She gave me attention when I least expected it. I didn’t feel alone, especially in my junior year. We started to drift as her depression kicked in and made her look towards someone who was closer to her physically. My depression also hit a fever pitch this year, too. We still remained friends but talked far less frequently. I dont think I was in love. I loved listening to her voice. Loved her laugh, despite going through so much abuse. I loved making her smile with my jokes.

Jinah, was Kathy’s best friend. I added her a few months after starting to talk to Kathy. She hated Jenny. There were times when I talked to Kathy about Jenny as Jenny messed with my emotions, which I dont think was intentional. Of course, Kathy told Jinah and while Jinah and I weren’t the closest of friends, she saw me as a friend due to helping her best friend cope with depression. Jinah also had a boyfriend when I was interested in Kathy. One day, summer before senior year, I started talking to her randomly on Myspace, found out she also broke up with her boyfriend a month prior, and connected on our love with DDR. Jinah was an adopted Japanese/Korean girl living in a white household. It didnt take long for both of us to realize we liked each other, a lot. Kathy didn’t mind though was a bit jealous at first despite being with someone else already. I think, this was the first case of where I was “in love.” Jinah and I were just extremely compatible. From our taste in music, love of DDR, anime, thoughts on life, sense of humor, scholastic achievements she seemed the perfect fit. But this is where trust issues and jealousy ruined my relationship. Her ex still wanted her back. She chose to hang out with him and I still didn’t trust her. We decided to meet up after I graduated, despite protests from my mother. My mother never approved of Jinah. It almost never happened. I agreed to visit my mother’s best friend in Michigan and her best friend’s husband with drive to Illinois the week after. That was a lie and I forced her hand to make it happen else I would make a huge scene at their house. It worked.

It was, I believe, a 5-6 hour train ride. It was the most nerve wrecking train ride of my life. How would she look in person? Would she be disappointed in how I look in person? How does she sound, not through speakers or headphones? Can I hold her hand the first time I see her? She was waiting at the train station. I stopped a bit when I saw her, smiled, and in the next 5 seconds she was in my arms. I wanted to say it was a fairy tale moment. The distance, I conquered it. The girl that I love is in my arms. The next day, we went on a date, first breakfast with her mother who absolutely loved me (from then on, any time we were on cam, she waved at me). By noontime, I was at an arcade, with both my mom and her brother unfortunately tagging along. We couldnt get any privacy. We wanted to be each other’s first time. Plan was to initially drop my mom at the mall and say we’ll walk around but instead go back to the hotel. With her brother in tow, her brother kept being annoying and never left her side. It was not until I noticed her brother trying to win a watch from a crane game. I tried it and got it on the first try and gave it to him. It was there he started to like me and gave her and I some space.

We watched a movie shortly after. It was there that I told her how much I loved her in person. I gave her a ring, representing my heart. I gave her my dolphin necklace, representing my soul. She and I eventually got privacy and lost our virginity together. But it didnt last. During the summer, her ex began to ramp up his advances, and she didn’t do much to reject him and I felt jealous and insecure. We fought. A lot. And broke up. I found out she eventually dated the other Filipino guy in her school but slept around a lot. I didn’t like how she became. It was a huge change from the girl who I can firmly say, was my first love.

Annie, was someone I met on an MMO called Maplestory. I was bored one day and noticed her in her noob gear, and just started stabbing at her. She eventually joined the guild that I was a vice at, and eventually my own guild when I decided to leave the guild. The entire guild followed me because our leader was always absent but never gave me lead. We didnt start talking until maybe half a year of knowing each other. She was my longest relationship though we had cracks and splits in our time together. It was around our second year when we broke up and remained friends.

Lughcie (pronounced Lucy), was someone I met on MySpace shortly after Annie and I broke up. She lived in Michigan, funny enough, and I just was attracted to her so I gave her a message and she replied. She and I didn’t share much as far as hobbies are concerned: Im a gamer and she was into fashion. But it was our personality match as well as our mutual physical attraction to one another that made us talk constantly. Every single day. Unlike Annie, which the relationship was light hearted, gamer-like and friendly, Lucy and I had a more mature communication. Lucy had a roadblock of ever being with me: she is Hmong and I am not. While her sister is dating a white guy, her family begged her to follow tradition and marry a Hmong guy. Lucy didnt want that. She wanted me. And I was willing to meet her parents to accept us (. Her parents eventually arranged for her to start dating another Hmong man. And Lucy gave in. She implored me to visit her as soon as possible. She wanted me to be her first. I wanted to, but, what was the point? Yeah, she and I wanted each other physically bad. We wished we had been born under a different set of stars. We wished she could reject her traditions, though selfish of me, to be together. Her sister did it. Why couldn’t she? It never happened, and soon afterwards, she felt it was best to no longer talk. I dont think I was in love. it was clearly physical attraction, but we got along real well.

Annie and I picked things back up a few months later. It was then that I believe I started to grow to love her. She was cute. She was funny. She had a good head on her shoulders. She and I share the same hobbies. I began flying to see her every year, twice a year. It was in our 5th year where I implored her to tell her parents about me and the possibility of marriage. I wanted her to move up to where I live and she wanted to move up, too. Thing was, she felt obligated to stay in Florida to take care of her family. That caused a rift in our plan as I was ready to move to the next step. I wanted to live with her to see if we were compatible. Unfortunately, in her last year in college, she became very distant. We had many fights, because she couldn’t be bothered to send me a text every day. One text.  There was times when it took her a week to do so. And I was working full time, doing a graduate class but was still able to send her texts. We drifted further and further with each passing week. I lived on my own and with my best friend moving to a different state, I was extremely lonely and had a hard time finding reasons to smile. That and work got to me, too, as I began my transition from being a Database Administrator to Software Developer.

Enter Leila. I played an MMO called Eden Eternal at that point. Annie played it too but stopped shortly due to college load. Two months before Annie and I broke up, the game had an unexpected maintenance. Our guild members flocked to the guild’s Facebook page and started posting. No one knew who I was as I never posted on the page (except for the guild leader) and caused a bit of a stir when people found out who I was (I was the most guild). I didnt know Leila was the noob I helped earlier today with her friends. She messaged me to say thanks and we just talked. Not flirting. Just talked. Talked about the game. Talked about her life. How it was like living in New York. Her Accounting major. How she just came to the states 3 years prior from China and somehow acquired a Brooklyn accent in such a short time. Before I knew it, it was morning already and I didnt sleep.

We began running dungeons together with her friends. And little by little, I ended up having feelings for her. She was attractive. She too, was in school but managed to balance time for both school and gaming, and eventually time to talk to me. She kept me in check, wasn’t shy like Annie and called me out when I said or did something foolish. We both acknowledged that we had feelings for each other but won’t act upon it as I was already with someone else. We kept it platonic for the next month while I gave Annie more chances to put more effort into our relationship.

That never happened.

And soon, I broke up with Annie. Leila and I gave each other time after the break up. Didn’t talk much. Didn’t run any dungeons. I was hurt. I loved Annie. I truly, wanted us to work. I would have paid for her to finish her studies in Maryland, where our schools were better than the school she was going to.  I just wanted her with me. And even still, just a single text was all I wanted. Long distance relationships survive on communication. I understand she had college to worry about, but one text a week? Come on.

Leila and I decided to meet halfway in New Jersey. And the morning after, when I was still drowsy from drinking for the first time (Leila drinks a lot), she checked both of us in New Jersey. Annie found out, and sent me a text. Leila was very upset that I was still affected by Annie’s words. In the next few months, Leila and I had a tumultuous relationship. She also started falling for another guy. She also stopped liking me. She wasn’t sure why we were in a relationship too. But I too, also began liking someone else. So why did we stay together? We fought a lot. We cried together. While not sharing a similar background, she had a lot on her plate to succeed in America, which so many first generation Asians can relate to. Eventually, she chose me and I accepted her again, because we found comfort in each other. Yeah, physically the comfort felt good, but it was just being around each other that kept both of our souls at ease.

She became pregnant that Autumn.

I remember that call like it was yesterday. Then and there, I told her that I’d take responsibility. She told me neither of us was ready. She will get an abortion. Now, I’m 100% a pro-choice guy but a part of me wanted her to keep it. I always wanted to be a father. I was. The week after her abortion, I drove up. She showed me a picture of the life we created. I cried. Hard. We continued fresh. She was on the pill but we started using the shot instead. For a whole year, I visited her every month, sometimes twice a month. She opened me up. I was a shy person, but began being more confident and independent thanks to her. She was a very focused and blunt individual. I had to match her. The problem was, she eventually revealed that her career comes first. After switching fields from accounting to psychiatry, she said she wasn’t going to get married nor have kids until after her career has started. And that would be around 34 for her, and 36 for me. That was not in my schedule but endured in hopes that she may change her mind.

She did. On us.

She wanted me to not wait. That I deserve someone who can give me what I wanted. A wife. A family. A home. She also did not want to move away from New York. She loves it there. I didn’t. It’s too busy. Too dirty. But we still saw each other for 3 months after breaking up. She depended on each other. Physically and emotionally. But the physicality could only satiate me for so long. I guess that’s what she wanted. She thought that was enough for me to stick around.  It wasn’t. I wanted more than just sex. At that point, sex was just another part of our routine. It wasn’t special. It was empty.

I met Meena on a dating site called Plenty of Fish. She wanted to be an actress. I found her cute. I noticed her as her profile disappeared every now and then from the “users that viewed you” list until one day, she was online when I saw her so I messaged her. We hit it off, but I told her I wasn’t ready to see her. I began having extreme self-image issues as I began letting myself go. She liked another guy who worked with her and I told her that she can wait for me for one more week, and I’ll see her. She didn’t want to and slept with him, losing her virginity.  She instantly regretted it as the guy continued to ask for more. She and I stayed platonic but feelings began to emerge. Leila had asked me to visit her 4 months after my last visit for my birthday for obvious reasons. While Meena and I weren’t officially dating, I told Leila that I was not interested and that Im already sort of seeing someone else. Leila was pissed, but that didn’t matter to me. The emptiness in that physical relationship was not important to me.

Meena and I began dating officially a week after the Freddie Gray riots in Baltimore. We didn’t share much similarities. She was a theater major, I was a Computer Information Systems major. She worked at retail, I work as a developer. She wasnt the biggest gamer, was an even pickier eater and always….never thought about me. I didnt realize it at first. We had many laughs, which was the single greatest thing about the relationship. We kept at it, for almost 3 years. I paid all the time. Food. Drinks. Hotels. Conventions. Trips. Her car. She is my longest close distance relationship but not really much to write. It was, the same thing over and over again. Her obsession with K-Pop and South Korea. We had a fight because she wanted to live in South Korea for at least half a year. With whose money? Oh, mine. Fast forward it to literally 3 months ago. She stopped being in love with me. Fucked around with an 18 year old. And foolish me, endured it. Wont give her any more time that she has already wasted. I’ve already written about her several times so, no point.

 

I believe, I was “in love” in the classical sense only one time in my life.

 

What’s the definition of Love?

My definition of being in love was always “there’s no definition.” If you love someone because they’re kind, thoughtful, funny those are aspects of that person. Love is something you can’t quantify. It’s that indescribable allure to someone.

But really….

Why does it matter?

Whether whatever definition you use, does it really matter? Whether you fall head over heels for someone, or you grow to love them, if you’re happy, then you’re happy.

I believe people put so much emphasis on what love is to them. Some prefer a fiery love that will keep them entertained, filled with passion. Others prefer a calm, soothing love that they can simply close their eyes and be at peace with one another. So why does the definition matter?

Throughout my life, I had experienced various forms of “love,” many that I would have been happy keeping for the rest of my life. I felt a storybook love of trials and tribulations with Jinah. A long, comfortable love with Annie. And a hard nosed but focused love filled with physical passion with Leila.

 

And then she appeared.

I’ve already written about her, too. My poetry, obviously, references her. My thoughts clearly focused on her. To meet someone so similar to you in background, in a way no one could ever relate to you. To learn what she has gone through, those negative emotions that you have felt, too that no one else could relate with. To talk to her as if she’s a friend you’ve known for decades, visiting you for a few days. And yeah, I fell for those eyes too. Everything. Including her supposed “darkness.” I acted like this, too.

I know.

And yet, realizing that you’re a few months too late. That she’s at a point where she believes, of no return. That this girl who I jokingly call my soulmate, was going through what is to be her last desired relationship just a year ago, on the same game, at the same time that your relationship is turning to shit.

While fate brought us together, it’s fate that also is tearing us apart or rather, teasing us in  this hopeless waltz.

And yet, the funny thing is, despite how much she’s my type, what makes me the happiest is knowing that maybe I can somehow change her outlook on life. And it doesn’t have to involve me being the person she loves/is with. There’s so much love in her heart that has turned to hate because of just how shitty this world is. She said she’s perfectly fine being alone. She prefers it that way. And I selfishly think she doesn’t truly mean it.

Because I know me. And she knows me.

Im in love with her essence. Not in love with her sexually or as a compatible partner. The beauty that is her tarnished soul. That, is what I love. And yet, I feel so powerless in trying to go against those negative emotions. The distance. Her reluctance for me to get even closer. The silence. Past suspicions. Flashbacks.

But now I don’t even know how she feels about me. Does she hate me? Get annoyed by me? Bored of me? The end game was never really to become her lover. It was to get her smiling again. To see that there are people like us in the world, that makes this world worth living. And possibly, endure this world together too. But so far, it feels like she’s drifting away, to a place that my wings can’t reach. A darkness my light cant breach.

 

I’m not after you. I just want to walk with you.

 

 

Thank you

This was a very long post. If you got here, thanks for reading.