Im a simple man, with complicated thoughts.
Living a boring life, going through dramatic motions.
Im no overseer, Im no one’s keeper.
Yeah, you can keep her.
Sweet words to ignorant and naive ears.
If that’s all it truly takes to fall.
Their stocks have long been diminished.
They truly weren’t worth any investment.
I cant give sight to the blind.
Can’t give a clue to those who knew.
But what can I give?
Definitely not fucks.
But what I received, is what’s more important.
Confirmation. Reassurance. Im sorry I’ve had my doubts.
And for putting my selfish needs and hopes before all else.
I almost lost myself. But in the end, I gained you.

I didn’t picture how things would turn out
In a way, it’s picture perfect.
Yet obstacles keep me from you.
Even those out of the picture.
In my reluctance to give up what I wanted. I gave it a chance.
Not just twice. Third time’s a charm.
But it was that rule that left you invisible in my tunnel vision.
Is this the picture I should frame?

Delusional thoughts plague a cold soul.
Trust given to snakes in the wait.
Someday it will eventually end.
Possibly see the light of day.
Liberated from self imbued masochistic shackles.
The real me can finally be at peace.
Yet, fond memories of you still remain.
At least, of the real you. Maybe this is it.
Was it a hallucination or reflection?
My perception was slightly biased, I admit.
Bias off. Clear eyed. 20/20.
I’m glad we met.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing, follows the heard.
The herd knows. I know. Does she?
As is your desired position in this make believe kingdom.
Your existence is inconsequential.
Fickle how the human heart is.
A string of random gentlemen line up.
Generated by pure boredom or conquest.
Wonder what my number was?

Decomposed leaves fall from once beautiful trees.
Silent gusts of wind blow right past me.
These shades of brown are unfamiliar.
Or shades I’ve long to ignore.
This isn’t the Autumn I’ve fallen in love with.
My favorite season. The season of change.
And also, the season of impending death.
I reach out. This tree is hard to touch.
Because these rings still mirror my heart.
Yet, confused as to why it doesn’t resonate.
Empty nests all around. That bird has migrated.
When and where does one Fall in Autumn?
Or rather, is the question:

Has Autumn Fallen?

Let the raindrops wash away the footprints
From the dunes of the past.
Yet it’s difficult to find reasons to
Unsheathe verbal daggers to something already dead.
But I’ve been the one who was skinned alive.
Or maybe I was and still am a carcass.
Why didn’t you protect me?
And what makes you think I want you to again?
Nor would I ever want to protect you.
It wasn’t necessary. And neither was us.
Or you now that I think about it.
So let me euthanize you. Morals off.
And yet the arrow of my compass spins. Dizzying.
Close my eyes. Empty.
Where is it that draws me, that pulls me?
I can’t sense it. Not anymore.
I can’t reach out to you. Too far and too close.
To home that is.
Glad I held back. It wasn’t the time nor was it the place.
It would have been devalued.
Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Lost in the shuffle. Just another card in the deck.
Of course, there’s always four of a kind.
But I lay claim to both jokers.
Flush it out.
My mind is a cesspool full of hopes and dreams
If only it can be drained
The rhythmic sounds leaves me uneasy
It’s a ticking time bomb ready to blow at moment’s, unnoticed.
What is peacetime to a warrior born and bred in strife
But a silently relaxing torture chamber?
Let this blade of mine drink. Whatever and whomever.
Even if it’s me.

Not a number, unless it’s one and only one.
Though it wasn’t or ever will be my call, or be called.
Just so happens to be the result of futile expeditions.
Get in tow, others will take their turn.
A line of kings await to offer their kingdom.
What could a lowly knight have offered?
To rule a kingdom. Population: one.
Dream. Nightmare. Let me sleep. Let me wake up.
Stop telling me otherwise. Please.
I know what’s real.
Not really. I don’t. Maybe I never have.
In too deep this time.
I know this feeling too well. Frightening.
Bricks. Let’s build it. Just to be safe.
Because maybe I need one, too.
Or just hug myself. To both restrain and to assure me
That I’m worth it.
Yet another feeling is building up.
Have to let this go. I can’t fathom letting this grow.
Because of who it’s directed towards.
I don’t want it to. I don’t want you to… too.
Two directions. My eyes can’t keep up.
How well can I hide how I truly feel?
Who am I hiding what Im feeling from?
What do I feel when I have to hide?
When did I have to start hiding?
Where can I hide so I don’t have to feel?
Why bother?
Your smiles. It elates me.
Never stop.
I’ve always preferred silver to gold.

Before the effects wear off, from this liquid armor
I figure there’s things I could wash away
From the present hell I’m basking in
To the artifacts of my past I thought I could do without
This void, I really dont know what’s missing
I know it isn’t that. Go away. I dont need it.
Nor do I want it. Even inebriated, you’re worthless
To me. To yourself, too. Sorry.
Or not sorry, there’s nothing.
And never will be. Again.
Why am I here? It’s bullshit. All of it.
Maybe it is too much. My shoulders feel a little stiff.
Crushed. Maybe Im not cut out for it after all.
Just stay behind the curtains. The spotlight’s too bright.
Forever in the shadows. It’s easier to sleep this way
What was I ever thinking? To believe. To wish.
To hope.
It won’t ever end happily. I’ll accept it.
I’m falling. I’ve fell. I’ve fallen.
Deeper I go.
To think I’d lose myself in someone
Yet I’ve lost myself, to myself
Imploding. One mistake after another.
Can’t help it. Or maybe won’t help it.
Am I lying to myself? Tell me, me.
None of them. I really dont want them.
Stop bothering me.
Nor do I want me. Take me away.
Cause Im useless, too. As I am
As I was.
As I ever will be.
Rain drops in my room. Yea, that’s it.
Partly cloudy with a sure chance of fucking up.

Still couldn’t make it past four

Behind a keyboard, Im empowered, overpowered even
Having the strength to tell you things I could never say to you directly from the recesses of my mind
Rather, things that I shouldnt say but can hiding behind the excuse of artistic expression
Which you, my muse, contribute completely to
Maybe I am trying to convince you my way but I’d like to think not
No hypnotist, wouldn’t want to control your will with words as pendulums
Like a pendulum your heart swings this way, that way, my way
But your way refuses to let any come any closer
Love is a gamble, and you’ve never played with house money
So why bother gambling, save yourself for yourself, by yourself
Love isn’t some oasis to you, it’s a bitter wasteland
A wasteland that I walked through, too
Though I see, from the cracks on the ground hints of life
Seeds waiting to sprout, needing only time and care
We tread this hell at the same time. I take a look to my left. I see you.
Look over at me. The right direction. Why not walk together?
Now, this isn’t some proposition to change your opposition
I too am confused as to why I let my guard down
Like a boxer I guarded my face yet left my chest wide open
Blow by blow it hit me. Yet my masochistic side reveled in it
But Im not taking these hits for no reason, these eyes say otherwise
Looking straight at yours, eyes which I am no match for.
I can stand on my own two feet. I can protect myself
Yet you think having someone to call your own is a burden
And maybe it is. Being free is better. I agree
No commitment. No expectations. No worries. No love
Hm, maybe not the latter, because you can’t control your feelings
Only hide it
Now tell me, when I fly through your mind, how does it feel?
Does your chest get tight? Does everything turn silent? Can you hear your heartbeat?
Or am I simply imposing what happens to me?
Possibly.
In this passive aggressive war we’re playing, I’m a 5 star general
My words my weapons. My feelings, fuel. Your love my drive.
Yet your love is something I cant pinpoint
Or hope to figure out. Everything so far is pure speculation
What war is this? Who wins if I win?
But what can I offer you that others in the past havent already offered or given?
What makes me so special? Nothing I guess
Not height. Not looks. Not humor. Not vocabulary.
Maybe Im just wasting your time?
All I can offer, is that I wont waste it.
Nor are you wasting mine, it’s my choice to make. And my choice is you.
Yeah, I said it. I want you. Not going to beat around the bush
Or act coy. I’ll go ahead and say it again. I want you.
To love and to hold, till death do us part and wish
Our string is connected to us again in the next lifetime.
Maybe in the next lifetime, neither of us is jaded
So that you can just jump into my arms or I to yours without hesitation
To lay with you, and escape ourselves into each other
But for now, in this lifetime, there’s only one thing I can do.
Hope.

I didnt expect to find such inspiration
In such a short amount of time
Or expect to found a spirit
That’s so in tune with mine
A rough past that we both need to forget
Else it will consume us
A future that we both need to believe will happen
Yet our fears binds us
One taste, was all I needed
Im screwed
One sip, was all it took
She brewed
But I fear I may have lost her
In this chaotic shuffle
My hand indeed, played a part
In my haste to hustle
Step back, just one step
And possibly another
Deep breaths, deep breaths
Dont be a bother
Drag your feet
It may take a while
Be patient birdy
Even if it’s not your style
I’ve waited my whole life to find you
I dont want that time to go to waste
You say dont wait, ever
But see that’s not the case
Im waiting for the right time
To make my move, you see
When that time comes
You’ll be with me
So, my muse, let’s continue this dance
Through and with you, Ill expand my art
Front and center, I’ll step up into the spotlight
To amuse a muse that eschews my noose on her heart.