Category: Thoughts

Cascade

· Leave a comment ·

Personally, it’s usually never one deep stab that hurts the most but a multitude of pricks that just carve out one’s heart. Because when we get to that point, we ask ourselves why are we even in this situation in the first place. We constantly repeat the pain, we constantly repeal our conviction to walk away. It’s never easy to accept that sometime this simply isn’t for us.

Because we believe in others. We believe we can tolerate things that we never should have accepted to begin with. Can you truly help others if they can’t help themselves? Maybe we’re different, we’re the missing key to whatever will unlock the chains that binds others? Little did we know we free others only to find ourselves shackled by a fate worse than theirs.

But we always believe, right? Always have to.

Drive

· Leave a comment ·

Sometimes all it takes is to lose something, or simply the threat of losing something to snap you out of it. After 3 eye surgeries, I started the year with a vision (no pun intended). For the first time in 11 years, during my annual review, I spoke up. I want to get to the next level. There were a lot of projects I was looking forward to, some in the making for years. I felt underpaid. Underappreciated. Undervalued. And with the risk of my eyes faltering even more, I didn’t have the luxury of waiting to see if I get what I deserved, what I feel I rightfully earned. I told my boss straight up that I know my value on the market, but I was scared. I really was ready to settle. All it would take for them to keep me was barely a 10% raise.

…..I wasn’t expecting to have moved to a new state, found a new job, and having almost a doubled salary.

In hindsight, I needed it. The fear was that they’ll give me the raise I wanted. Because I was afraid of change. I would miss all the close friends that I work with for almost a decade. But it didnt pan out that way. Barely a 2% raise and that I needed to “prove” that I was valuable. Yet they gave the title/promotion I wanted to someone who has 10% of my technical expertise. It was then that I snapped. Even though my boss said they would match any offer, I no longer wanted to be there.

After spending many nights past midnight, always given the hardest projects, trailblazed a lot of new functionality into their ecosystem, I was not valued. And I thank them for being consistent. Because just like a toxic relationship that’s hard to let go, so was my reluctance to leave a company that was all I have known. One night, I decided to test the market and let my resume loose into the world.

It was the best decision I have made in a long time.

Going through the interview process, realizing that unlike being a fresh grad, I myself had the power, the leverage to choose my own destiny. And maybe it’s because I was so entrenched by all of the hardships and difficult projects one after another that I failed to realize just how much experience I’ve amassed over the years. Still deep down, I was scared. I’ve never known anything besides what was within the walls of a single company. But I was also intrigued by what is out there. And once I’ve done once, the next time wouldn’t be as difficult or late.

Moving into my new apartment, having new people in my life, experiencing new challenges, I haven’t felt like this in such a long time. But it wasn’t simply just the new space and scenery that makes me happy. I didnt want to move and quit on bad terms. Wholeheartedly, I was angry. I was fucking furious. Even though everyone but 3 people knew just how much I was valued, management was too blind to see it. And maybe it was on me because Im the type to not flaunt or flex my accomplishments. I also dont speak up and played the role of the “company guy.” It wasn’t on them completely. I have a lot of the blame too. And thinking back, I wouldn’t be where I am today or as skilled as I am today without the chance to have learned there. To have had amazing people to learn from, work with, and also mentor.

But I dont know what’s in store for me. Knowing that I already have another cataract in my other eye, not knowing if there’s more complications with my left eye. For now, all I can do is enjoy this peaceful transition to this new chapter in my life. Because there’s nothing else I can do other than just keep pushing the pace, keeping my foot on the gas and simply drive forward.

But I do know sometimes it’s best to be on cruise control for a little while.

Pedestal

· Leave a comment ·

We’ve all done it. Putting someone on a pedestal. Whether it be we’re extremely attracted to them physically. Or how vibrant their personality is. How smart they are. The hilarity of their jokes. And how they make us smile. But what is swept under the rug, could be fundamental quirks about them that we want to ignore. That because of all their good, their bad is outweighed by a significant margin.

But we tend to compare volume and not mass. The simplest flaw can have cascading consequences. Even if you are part of their lives, you may be nothing but a bookend on their shelf. You ground them. Support them. But in the end, you’re never going to be a part of their storyline.

Just a novelty presence in their life’s novel.

Fix

· Leave a comment ·

It’s sad that you can’t always give it your all. And maybe it’s because we’re sometimes drawn to people we feel desperately need someone like us in their lives, only to be dropped off once we’re no longer need. That we’re simply band-aids, something temporary in the grand scheme of things. But we hope, that this time it would be different. After all, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

Never is.

I’ve always said there’s such a limit to how much we can put in our bowl. Or who we plan to share the contents of our bowl. And yet, we tend to spill it to bowls that have cracks in it. We don’t account for the leaks because we feel we’d fill that gap. But in the end, it’s our very own bowl that starts to crack. But we don’t see it, as it starts from the outside in. Before we can notice, it would be far too late. Because we’d spent so much time pouring more into our bowl that we’re now exhausted, just going through the motions. Never stopping to realize and look for a fix.

It’s life. This is just how it is.

And it all started because our fix was getting our fix on fixing others and never realizing what broke the fixer is the fix in & of itself.

Playfully

· Leave a comment ·

I’ve learned to curb my expectations. Not to say I’m completely cynical, but more like that even though I’m not religious, it feels like sometimes a higher being is pulling the strings of this comedic tragic play that I call my life. Front and center. And yet they all exit stage left.

Many of us may want to see the spoilers ahead of time. Is this worth watching? Is this worth being invested in? Who are the main cast members and who are simply episodic extras? Obviously we’re the hero right? Or possibly, we are our own antagonistic villains.

Are we in the third Act or are we still building up to what we’re destined for?

Reinventing the wheel

· Leave a comment ·

Kind of sucks taking triple the amount of melatonin that I usually take and still be unable to sleep. Ended up having the urge to write something meaningful here.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve made strides to somewhat start fresh. Part of it was killing off Rhem and the whole “online persona” thing I’ve long been attached to. Whether it be changing certain sites, certain accounts to reflect a different name. And the history of this handle is so rich, mired with both controversy and also memories I dare not try to forget. So as many New Years resolutions out there, this attempt is tragically failing.

This blog originally started because I felt some regret deleting my Xanga years back. Didn’t really write much and pretty much shelved this until I was given a reason to write with some unexpected inspiration. Since then, it has become sometimes a pain in the ass. It was meant to be private, only for the eyes of certain individuals but it was spread and became a topic bored trolls in a certain dead game used to spy on me. But maybe it shouldn’t have been private all along and maybe there might be some use of this blog. If thoughts keep me up and I have absolutely no one to spill it to, then I shall spill it here and maybe, just maybe someone out there might find some use of my shoddy thoughts.

First aid

· 2 Comments ·

When’s the right time to let the blood flow freely? When’s the right to apply pressure? A few days ago I had written a post that details the last lingering feelings and thoughts I had for the most recent MMO that I’ve played but hid it after an hour or so. If the purpose of the post was to move on, why am I even writing such a post? And yet, I back tracked on that decision because I felt it had to be known and out there. It had to exist.

People cope in different ways. Some can completely block a chunk of reality while others forever overthink. Even in my last break up, I’ve had several people give varying views. Still be here friend. Wish her well. Tell her to go fuck off. It’s not right to harbor negative emotions. It’s healthy to despise people.

After all, I despise my father and have completely moved on in my life. Even though he reached back to me asking for my social security number (assuming he was probably putting me as a beneficiary in case he passed away), I rejected him and told him that I am perfectly fine the way things are. This bridge has long been burnt and a massive wall has been built in its place, with me no having no plans to scale it.

And yet there are times where I do simply let it go, because I felt any hold on my emotions is an L on my scorecard. It takes energy. Especially when it’s regarding people that have absolutely no bearing to my livelihood. So, in that vantage point, I should have simply let it go, right?

Issue was, it wasn’t about the pointless people that I had spent more than an hour typing about. It was about me. The situation was set that, I had absolutely no one to tell my side to completely. I felt completely hopeless in a situation that I should have never been part of. By sweeping this under the rug, it invalidates those times where I felt wronged. It invalidates the anger that I had. Or rather, have.

And is that anger towards myself? Towards them? Yes. Because I should have fought back. It was not until the very end where I decided to put both middle fingers up and no longer take shit. This whole nice guy side of me forever keeps me finishing last. I’ve said it before that it’s easier to blame myself because I can’t change others. Problem is, I’m taking hits I shouldn’t be taking. I can only tank for so long.

I need healing, too.

So I republished that post. My feelings are my feelings. My anger needs to rage on, or else bottling inside will suffocate me. And even if no one knows the complete story of things, I still have the takeaways, the lessons learned from it. After all, I do need fuel for my art.

Less of “I’m sorry” and way more “Fuck it.”