Category: Uncategorized

Voyage

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Hi.

Currently on my first cruise with my best friend and her family. Would usually have my obligatory post to reflect on the previous year but couldn’t due to work and getting ready for my trip. And now here I am. Lowkey kind of nervous being this high up on the deck while it’s breezy. But it really feels nice. Gets my reflective juices running ya know?

To begin, Im finally a homeowner. I guess many would say it’s about time. Having to learn a lot of home repair and maintenance isn’t fun but I guess if I want to maintain it and not let the house go to ruin like my mom’s house then I better get my act together. My dog definitely loves his new home. More room to run around in. More rooms to follow me like a shadow to. And no worries about the apartment downstairs so he can play to his heart’s content.

Met a few new people within the past year that I could call my friends, at least on my end. Been more social this year but I really need to get out of my shell, completely. I was able to lose a lot of weight only to gain half of it back again. But we’re back on the wagon. Well, that is after this cruise….

Never seen water so blue. Swam (or rather waddled) in it for the first time. And maybe this is a start for more adventures to come. See the azure waters of the world. After the Caribbean, maybe Europe next. Hawaii? Somewhere in Asia? Or Australia?

More to come.

Wrong timing, right people

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Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about how we tend to form bonds with others. Difficult to quantify and probably impossible to even do so, I can’t help but try to. We’ve all been there: new place, new people, trying to find your friend circle, trying to find a place you can feel at ease and be yourself. You see folks with the same hobbies as you. Maybe you share the same ethnic background, the same political stances. Music and movies and anything of pop culture is also what we try to use. And yet, sometimes when we do find said people, they’re reluctant to welcome you in or just simply not interested.

But we aren’t entitled to their time and effort.

There’s such a finite amount of time in a day, and as we grow through phases of life, we tend to reserve that time for the people that we do care about. There simply isn’t any more room for any more guests. Nothing against you or them, no one is at fault, there just aren’t any vacancies at the moment. Some people have such enriched and full lives, some are still yearning to find said enrichment of their own.

And yet sometimes when you least expect it, a vacancy pops up and now you’re boarding, wondering how long the duration of your stay will be.

Then there’s the part of me that I thought had died, not wanting to ever feel the sharpness of that pain again. I tried to subdue it, and still am trying to. But Im happy. Im glad to feel this feeling again. I expect nothing out of it. But it’s the feeling of knowing that Im still capable of that emotion. It’s warm. It’s exciting, yet still scary. If love is what killed me, only love can bring me back. But I’ll need to be able to accept it, and also accept that I can still be killed over and over again. It all just takes one, right?

Even butterflies make graves their home.

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Sometimes, it’s just the very thought of the possible that’s enough. Even if something doesn’t sprout fruit, just the very idea of planting the seeds and hoping for the best is all you need.

Whether we entertain the idea that it could be possible or not, at the very least, it’s entertaining.

Isn’t it?

Cadence

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It feels like I really put at most 2 or 3 posts on this site per year, to justify the annual cost of whatever WordPress’ premium membership is to keep the flayedsyntax domain name. I do like it, so, I guess it is whatevs huh?

On that note, my pup has grown so big now. It really was an impulsive decision and I regretted it the first month, but in the end, that big nosed brat brings a sense of responsibility that I really needed. You don’t find dogs, dogs find you huh?

At the library as I type this up. Library, can you believe it? Even though I decided to drop my last graduate program, waiting to get into another one this fall. And finally doing full stack development again. It’s funny just how chaotic and uncertain careers can be.

But it’s the fact that Im surrounded by people that care and push me to be the best I can be. To have emotional support from people that really want the best from and out of you.

Eyesight is still getting worse. Possibly leading to another set of surgeries. Funny how things get clearer when the path to it get foggier.

Hops

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And just like that, I jumped to my 4th company since making that leap of faith a year and a half ago. Not intentional but I can’t argue my salary increasing every time. Funny enough, my previous company reached out to me asking if I’d like to return and promised me an even higher salary. But it’s getting to the point where it’s not really about the money, but rather the people Im surrounded with. The heartbeat of the company matters, too. I used to think as long as I get paid, I’ll be happy but the ethical and moral issues I have with the company does bother me. At this point, my stress levels matter more than a slight bump. But I guess we all have our price point. If it allows me to take care of my mom so she’d never work again, I’d be foolish not to accept such an offer. As long as I can look myself in the mirror and am happy with what I see.

Imposter syndrome has been something I’ve been trying to cope with the past year. After all, being stuck in the same environment for almost a decade, it’s hard to see myself doing well when I feel what I do is easier than what I’m used to. Being seen as a SME in my new locale but not feeling it, I need to find that perfect balance between humility and confidence. But it’s just not me, and I know this feeling is the reason why I held myself back for years. Thankfully, I’ve met wonderful people who have been instrumental in getting my confidence up. Thanks to her, I joined a company full of wonderful people who have done nothing but help me and instill confidence in me.

Being part of a bigger group that you care about makes you want to improve. So I’ve finally decided to continue my Masters degree starting next semester. Even though several places have expressed their desire to recruit me and I’d probably get a higher salary, it’s my wish to help build and grow with this company. I have 7 classes left with my Masters and who knows, the world of academia is a potential, post-workforce avenue I’d like to explore, maybe get into research, look into a PhD and teach. But for now, getting my Masters, getting certifications for other platforms is one sure way to take my skills and prestige to the next level.

Not saying I’m now a gym rat but damn, I’ve got to give it to people that work out consistently. Thankfully my friend keeps me accountable. Im starting to get the hang of how to do certain workouts, got workout gear, those heavy ass Bowflex adjustable dumbbells and errthang. Im still chickenshit and too socially awkward to go to the gym by myself but luckily shes a gym rat so I go multiple times a week anyways. Works out (pun intended).

Still funny how things worked out. She was the first person I talked to after the move but never really got close with or talked to. And just like that, within a span of a year, she’s become one of the main drivers of the changes in my life and career. Introducing me to great people and a great company. The most social I’ve been ever and it’s thanks to her. She doesn’t understand how much I appreciate her and that she’s entered a very restricted club where I’d do whatever to takes to protect the happiness of her, her significant other and close friends and family.

There’s things still left that I need answers for but we can save those for next year.

Take

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I still remember vaguely those blissfully ignorant nights when I was on my maternal grandmother’s lap. That the only thing on my mind was whether my grandmother and I will steal another piece of candy or gum from our shoddy storefront counter. We’ll get yelled at by my aunt but it was worth it. It made me happy and she happily did whatever it took to get me smiling. My mother was in America and I was stuck back in the Philippines. She made sure I was fed by sacrificing more of her chicken because there was just so much that could go around. She would tell me fables, especially that one about a young girl who was too lazy to search for stuff that when her mother gasped in exasperation for her to grow many eyes, her mother found a pineapple in the middle of the garden and her daughter nowhere to be found.

I remember not feeling completely helpless when living with my paternal family because my paternal grandmother was there. To feed me, to give me one of her painful back massages, and to play bingo with. Sometimes, when we went to a buffet, she would wrap a piece of chicken (or two) in a napkin and surprise me with it. Not at home, but in the car on the way back home with the biggest smile on her face. She wasn’t rich, lived in a pretty packed house full of people (her kids and her kid’s kids) that rely on her as the backbone (and main cook) of the family. Despite the flaws of all of those shitty 7+ kids, the pathetic aunts and uncles of mine, she loved every single one of them. It was my grandmother who forced my father to put my name back on the petition to get me to America after he had removed it.

It’s funny how I didn’t realize how much I was loved until they both passed away. Those times when I yelled at my paternal grandmother as an angst filled middle school child. When my maternal grandmother was crying on the phone, asking my mother and I when will we bring her to the states because she misses us and I couldn’t stomach it, I couldn’t say anything and just cried with her.

Lolas, I miss you, too. I still do.

I feel like I inherited their love. Amidst the bullshit paternal side, I felt love. To love other human beings, whether it be romantic or simply wanting them to be safe and happy. I learned from them. It’s not the circumstances of our birth that defines us. I was hated because I wasn’t “part of the family” as my dad divorced my mom. But what did that have to do with me? Why wasn’t I allowed to smile? I never had a heart to heart with either. Blame age, blame distance. But what would they say if they know me now? Would they be happy?

What’s best for someone. Doing what you can.

Sacrifice.

 

 

I sometimes hate that word.

 

When’s it fine to take?