It used to be too little too late.
Now it’s too much too soon.
It’s always an extreme, never in between.
Slow down, but not too slow.
Speed up, enough to catch up.
Dont look back, can’t turn back time.
But wish that maybe you, only you, could you jump
To maybe where I am.
Worried about the past too much,
Im more worried about you future.
Always worrying about how much time is left.
Never is it savoring that this time, it’s right.
Because it never is.
And it may never will be.
At least regarding us.
Our fate intersecting.
My faith bisected.
Do I seize the day?
Or should I let you go?
Im running out of time.
It’s why Im running away from you.
And one.
Im a simple man, with complicated thoughts.
Living a boring life, going through dramatic motions.
Im no overseer, Im no one’s keeper.
Yeah, you can keep her.
Sweet words to ignorant and naive ears.
If that’s all it truly takes to fall.
Their stocks have long been diminished.
They truly weren’t worth any investment.
I cant give sight to the blind.
Can’t give a clue to those who knew.
But what can I give?
Definitely not fucks.
But what I received, is what’s more important.
Confirmation. Reassurance. Im sorry I’ve had my doubts.
And for putting my selfish needs and hopes before all else.
I almost lost myself. But in the end, I gained you.
I get it. I wasn’t going to be one twice in a row, let alone three times but seriously, I’m trying, OK? Am I going about it wrong? Should I isolate myself from everyone? The fuck do you want from me? I refuse to be some tragic story. I rather choose a lifelong soliloquy than empty dialogues.
You were right. So was I.
Next.
Diary
This was never meant to be a diary. Whatever was posted here, it’s fair game for public consumption and reaction. Yeah, there are a couple protected posts, but this was never meant to be some super secret haven for myself. I’m pretty vocal and open to speak (write) what’s on my mind. I have so many thoughts flowing through this mind of mine that sometimes it helped to just express it, whether it be some cryptic as heck two liner, some form of poetry or just a blog post.
And I enjoyed it. Enjoyed.
I’m not going to kid myself, this whole blog was restarted months ago for her and, in my heart of hearts, continued to be for her and never stopped. I admit, I struggled a bit the past month and a half to keep this blog updated. As much as I’d like to say I didn’t lose my muse or that this blog was for myself, I enjoyed it because she enjoyed it. Yeah, I figured out that’s the truth. Wholeheartedly.
If I was a chef, I’d be devastated if no one were to taste my cooking. Or an artist knowing that the painting I’ve drawn will only be seen by the very eyes that saw its inception. Even when we stopped talking, I wrote for her. And it isn’t because of some love-stricken reason, I simply missed her friendship. Yeah, I hoped something would change in the future, that maybe she’d be mine, but I’d also hope I win the lottery (even though I don’t actually buy the tickets…) yet I continue to work hard to progress my career.
It’s just…through this medium, she accepted me and my thoughts and responded. That made me happy.
There’s no motivation to write anymore. I’ve already struggled the past month and a half. And maybe I need to take a step back, or simply close this hobby of mine for good, something. I admit, I regret a couple things the past few months. There’s a few things I wished I could take back. Maybe things would be different now. And not just for me. I trust too easily. Maybe she’s right, I fall too easily too.
People are a disappointment. And to be honest, that includes everyone. Everyone. Yet it’s my disappointment in myself that drives me to always be willing to change. As a programmer, I have to think dynamically daily. Maybe it’s time to close myself off from people. Been burnt too many times. Some inadvertently. Some deliberate. I must say, I can tell I’m more pessimistic now than I’ve been in a while.
People can have each other. Leave me out of it. I used to care and yet, here I am, just annoyed. Very annoyed. And it’s partly my fault for caring and trusting. People are shit. Why do I expect anything less than disappointment? Is it because when I see the bright innocent eyes of a young kid whose eyes lit up after seeing my graphic t-shirt that, it reminds me people aren’t born bad. That I have to believe, the people of this world is far more capable than we allow ourselves to be? Maybe I just lost something.
Or someone. Or myself.
Im done.
Just smile. Always. No matter what. Even if it’s forced. Easier that way.
Slowly learning to accept people who refuse to remove the casts that casts them into the caste circumstances forces them into aren’t worth the energy.
Not blind, just prefer to close my eyes. For now.
I want to but I promised I wouldn’t.
I’ll break away from those that are currently keeping me together because the me that I am needs to be destroyed.
Emotionally and mentally stretched.
To work in a profession where, in most cases, decisions are determined by evaluating factors and yet, being the complete opposite in real life… If the variable is less than X, do Y. Get the average of A and B to print out C. Don’t run Z job unless A, B, C completes successfully. I live and breathe logic. And yeah, upper management sometimes (usually, really) forces inane, illogical requirements down my throat, but most cases….logical. Why doesn’t it carry into my personal life enough?
Humans are irrational, logical creatures. I sure do love the dichotomy.
If you know me well enough, I may have said this once or twice:
“I refuse to be a slave to circumstance”
I hate, hate being not in control. Call it due to not being in control of how I was treated by my dad’s side of the family, of being the family black sheep, of feeling wronged by people in general. I didn’t have the power, the resources, the choice. I was a kid. But as an adult, whatever and wherever I am, it should be MY choice. And yeah, this is one truth, one promise I hold to myself. I should never, EVER, think about being ever powerless (you know, outside of…. things truly out of my control but still, can’t do anything but continue to fight regardless). Because the person I am today, what I’ve accomplished, what I can do, it would simply be a huge cop-out.
But what if I’m a slave to things I do have control of? I find it funny I spew this quite bad ass idiom (which I heard from one of my favorite games, Valkyrie Profile) and yet, I’m a slave of my past, of current vices, where I truly do have full control. Why do I continue to torment myself like this? How can I….simply shut off emotions and do right by me? Why do I care, why do I bother sometimes? Why do I insist on pulling the trigger of the gun aimed at myself….and reload?
It’s funny, being an emotionally driven individual truly is a double edged sword. The Goku effect? Maybe I grew up watching that drivel too much. Because yeah, the effect emotions have on me could drive and push me further than I ever could but, at the same time, can destroy me as well. Is it too late to change what fuels me?
I day dream a lot. I play an MMORPG and have watched a few Anime where players are transported and trapped in the MMORPG they play in. I’ve day dreamed that happening to me but with some sort of caveat. Like we’re allowed a reasonable request from the real world or something into our avatars. Like, a wish maybe. And my wish?
To forget everything.
What would I be like if I could just….forget everything. Clean slate. All my experiences. Just how much different would I be? Would that be a cowardly request, too? Our experiences make up who we are. What inhibitions would I not have? Could I be a leader (or a better leader)? Would I just be better overall….. would I be worse off? Even the closest friends I have, I’d forget. People that are my enemies. People that hate me, that adore me. All forgotten. Could bonds be reformed? Strengthened? Started? Never happened? Would they prefer the old me or the new me, whatever that may be? Ignorance is bliss right?
I want…a redo….but…I just cant. Not possible. And redo of what? I don’t even know.
Time is going by too fast. Can it slow down for me, just a tad bit? Time waits for no one but, if only it could make an exception for me.
I can’t keep up.
Flayed Syntax 