Day by day…

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…things seem to just be looking better and better. For the past two weeks, both work and personal fronts have gone back on track. From mid-August to early September, I struggled a bit at work. Not only was upper management ridiculous (and quite stupid), my mind wasn’t in the right place. My code suffered, deadlines were almost not met, and my state of mind was a wreck. Didn’t have the energy to do much really. Pretty much just waited, silently or simply slept. More and more did the situation felt extremely familiar, not the same variables but it indeed felt toxic. It was, in just a different form, a different formula.

But within one week, I decided to walk away from not just one, but two toxic situations. The funny thing was, one toxic situation beget the strength to leave the other. To simply turn your back on it, I finally have that strength, ironically. Whether not there was anything else I could have done is beyond me, but it’s over. Whether not what I felt is true or not, time will tell me, I’m sure. Vindication isn’t important to me, I simply just want to move on.

Day by day, Im gaining momentum again. Started to eat right again. Began exercising. Never have I laughed and felt so free to talk to my friends in such a long time in the MMO I play. My code is being delivered faster, more efficient. This won’t stop, this will get stronger and stronger. Because I’ll make it so.

Funny thing is, I really didn’t lose my muse. What I learned still resides in me. It’s a part of me now, and it’s not going anywhere. Even if she is gone.

 

 

I was there, wasn’t afk. It’s ok. You’ve helped me enough.
Thanks.

Regrets and Unfinished business

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It’s been an official 7 days since I’ve last talked to her or even seen her post. Soon, I’ll be counting down weeks, not days. Months instead of weeks. Years that has passed by. And eventually, before I take my last breath, she becomes an entry in a list of “what ifs?” in this lifetime.

Doors slamming shut. Worn out voice boxes. Soggy tissues. Bloodshot eyes. We’ve all been there. Fights. Breakups. Losses. What regrets do we have? What are things that we have said or done that we wish we could simply take back but we can’t? Or things that we wish happened, but didn’t and now, couldn’t? How often does that happen with you?

Growing up, my mother and I fought a lot. But I know losing her would kill me. Remember that scene from the Lion King where Simba kept pushing Mufasa after the stampede, to wake up his dad? My mom used to play dead with me as a kid, for fun, and it made me angry. She thought it was a joke but internally, I was crying (eventually, externally). I learned from a young age that even though we may fight, may have disagreements, or may temporarily hate each other, I’d rather not lose the people that mean a lot to me.

Let’s talk it out, shall we?

I never want to be in a situation where I’m in a point of no return. Just imagine, telling your loved ones that you hate them, only because it was a spur of the moment feeling. And the next minute, you witness them dying in your arms. Or worse, you didn’t have a chance to even be there at their last second of existence, with no way of taking back what you said. To let them know how much they mean to you. It’s not that I’m afraid of ghosts, they’re not real. I’m afraid of what haunts me internally: unfinished business.

Do you ever have that feeling? Of replaying a certain scene in your life, with a slight variation in chain of events, with possibly a better resolution? How would life be like now if it never happened? If I did this instead? It’ll eat at you and that’s where you’re not living in the now, your heart is trapped in the then. It’s not as if every and all unfinished business is fatal or serious. Sometimes, it could be for the best. Hindsight is 20/20, I get it.

But what if it was never in your control to begin with? That you didn’t have a chance to make what you want happen? What and how can we learn from it? We can simply think “Oh, it’s not my fault. I can move on.” I believe it’s easier to move on for things that are our fault or situations where we actually learned something, because it’s tangible. But what if you didn’t take anything from it? What if it’s the same lesson?

That life is unfair. This is probably the most common reason. And for cases like these where I’m shrugging to myself, not knowing why things went down the way they went down, just makes me shake my head.

 

Is it simply for the best? Is it simply just unfair? Or am I being played with by some omnipotent hand?

 

I wonder…

Confusion on illusion

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These have been the most emotional 6 months of my life. What a roller coaster of a year 2018 has been. Got out from a toxic 3 years relationship, getting back into the MMO world, falling in love with someone from Australia and now trying to decipher if everything the past 3 months have been a lie or a delusion on my part. The full story of the girl from the land down under will probably be saved for a future post. Right now, I’m just simply trying to figure things out, recovering from a recovery (yeah).

I’m someone who analyzes a lot. Sometimes, too much actually. In a social situation, I try and take an holistic view of things. Was I in the wrong? Could I have done something different? And if I did change something, what would the outcome be? Better? Worse? This is so I mitigate the chances of making the same mistakes in the future. Not like I’ll never make these mistakes ever again. I am human after all.

She told me she wished we never met.

Well, too bad. We did. And I’m grateful. But it bothers me why she would say that, actually. The people she has recently surrounded herself with are the very definition of scum. And until this very day, she believes I’m someone who simply talks to cute girls to get their attention. When reading a previous blog, she stated it was nothing but pure negativity and I truly, could not see where she’s coming from. I thought I understood her. Because she was a lot like myself.

And maybe, that’s the person I fell in love with.

The Japanese say we have 3 faces: one you show the world, one you show to friends and family, one you show to no one. The latter is the truest reflection of who you are. The thing is, while you may not show that third face, reflections of it can be seen from different angles, where you least expect it. But I’m not convinced there’s only 3 faces. That’s pure simplification.

Because people put a facade even to themselves.

We try to sometimes make ourselves the victim, that we’ve done nothing wrong. That it was the fault of other people. Maybe, we may paint colors on the portraits of others, colors that doesn’t exist in the spectrum of that person’s soul, yet we do it for reasons unknown. We tend to impose our own guilt or our own guilty pleasures onto others, knowing just how hypocritical it may be. And yeah, I was on the receiving end of all this.

The person who I was in love with have, for the past 3 months, painted this color of a womanizer on my spectrum. Literally, there have been stretches where I talked to no one except her and yet, it ended in her believing in that. It’s not only me she tells this to. She’s told it to others, so I feel like she truly believes it. And yet, she pretty much is the definition of what she hates. She goes around and chats it up with other guys, knowing full well they’ll start to like her. She surrounds herself with liars, cheaters, and people with the lowest ethical score. And yet, she wishes she never met me?

Maybe, it’s because I’m a reflection of the good in her that the bad has since washed away, or at least buried. We all have different sides to our personalities. I can be extremely lazy, very promiscuous in certain scenarios. My good side, that I’d like to call my dominant side, usually catches me before I spiral out of control. The thing is, she’s doing a lot of things that goes against what we both hated:

  • No effort in relationships
  • One sided knowledge
  • Surrounding oneself with humanity’s turds

I feel like, she is far too smart and ethical to seriously believe her own words. She’s experienced way too much to think so. But maybe, I was the blind one. Maybe this was her all along, and I didn’t think of it much because I liked her. I accepted her flaws but didn’t know just how huge they were.

I feel like, I let her down to be honest. I did promise her that I’d be as brutally honest as I can with her and yet, I held back. When she kept going out of control promoting her guild, I felt she was over-doing it. She was already tired. I told her, but in a passive way. I felt she was getting power hungry but never truly expressed it. Maybe being called a “Queen” was getting to her head. Royalty is pointless, in-game and also in real life. Blood doesn’t make a person a good person. She chases random people, literally, and in many ways, proves the gossip about her is true.

I don’t understand. We aren’t talking, and probably won’t ever again. As someone who hates unfinished business, this will forever linger in the back of my mind. What was her problem with me? Why did things go south like this? Was she just delusional? I feel like, I was a conquest/temporary fun that went wrong with her. She wasn’t supposed to catch feelings for me and yet she did. Maybe this has something to do with it.

Life’s hard. Confusing. But it doesn’t have to always be. Sometimes, we just make it so.

Retrospect

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Delusional thoughts plague a cold soul.
Trust given to snakes in the wait.
Someday it will eventually end.
Possibly see the light of day.
Liberated from self imbued masochistic shackles.
The real me can finally be at peace.
Yet, fond memories of you still remain.
At least, of the real you. Maybe this is it.
Was it a hallucination or reflection?
My perception was slightly biased, I admit.
Bias off. Clear eyed. 20/20.
I’m glad we met.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing, follows the heard.
The herd knows. I know. Does she?
As is your desired position in this make believe kingdom.
Your existence is inconsequential.
Fickle how the human heart is.
A string of random gentlemen line up.
Generated by pure boredom or conquest.
Wonder what my number was?

Unrequited

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Some say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But I feel like that phrase was coined by someone who’s never lost someone they truly loved. Or ever felt the pain of not only losing, but giving that love away. Unwillingly. Gift wrapping it and watching it be opened by another man.

I’ve been part of heartbreaks before. Not a simple crush, puppy love disappointment or anything. We’re talking confidence crushing, soul destroying type of heartbreaks. Ones that have left me in shambles, tears, wishing I was anywhere but in my own body because nothing could stop the hurt. Not even hurting myself. Each and every time, I try to convince myself that I’ll learn from my mistakes. That I’ll learn from my experience, that it’ll make me stronger than ever.

So why stop now?

I fell in love recently with an exquisite being. There were so many signs telling me to not fall for her. She’s fed up with love, too. I just got out of a very toxic relationship. She lives on the other side of the planet. She has repeatedly tried to leave my life. The fights we got into were childish. She has the attention and reciprocates the attention of another man. We’ve tip-toed around each other. I walked on eggshells. We’ve played a game of passive aggressive tug-of-war with our emotions. She told me she doesn’t have those types of feelings for me.

And yet, I fell. Why?

I admit no wrong doing. I’m adamant about that. But through an unlucky series of events and circumstances, it boiled down to my actions, however innocent in my eyes as it could be, made her fall in love with another man. And I accept it. The odds were never in my favor to begin with. As usual, the cards were stacked against me. I’m not going to play the nice guy and say it was my fault. Because it wasn’t. I simply just… lost her. Or possibly never had a chance with her to begin with.

Time stood still. Maybe for half a second when it happened. Or maybe I just died temporarily and my senses simply just failed me.

But through her, through this experience, I’ve gained a better understanding of myself that I’ve never took notice, or accepted. That someone like her, of her caliber, even looked my direction, even opened a place in her heart for me. It doesn’t matter if that lot in her heart is now vacant. I used to live there. Rather than sulk in what I’ve lost, I’m going to keep my chin up and remember, instead, what I’ve gained.

Self respect. Self confidence. Self awareness.

I regret telling her I love her. Maybe at least, my actions weren’t magnified for her to look and over analyze until what she saw was a distorted depiction of the truth. Or simply, it wouldn’t matter anyways because we’re just friends. But I lost her even on that front. This is a hole too deep to climb out of. And maybe, this is how she buries us.

Just feels like a waste. Doesn’t it?

 

I used to watch you two from the side and at least my light caught your attention, from the corner of your eye. But now I watch you two from behind in the shadows. No matter how bright I shine, you wouldn’t know. At least, let my light illuminate the path you walk on, even if just but a tiny bit.

Autumn

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Decomposed leaves fall from once beautiful trees.
Silent gusts of wind blow right past me.
These shades of brown are unfamiliar.
Or shades I’ve long to ignore.
This isn’t the Autumn I’ve fallen in love with.
My favorite season. The season of change.
And also, the season of impending death.
I reach out. This tree is hard to touch.
Because these rings still mirror my heart.
Yet, confused as to why it doesn’t resonate.
Empty nests all around. That bird has migrated.
When and where does one Fall in Autumn?
Or rather, is the question:

Has Autumn Fallen?