Let the raindrops wash away the footprints
From the dunes of the past.
Yet it’s difficult to find reasons to
Unsheathe verbal daggers to something already dead.
But I’ve been the one who was skinned alive.
Or maybe I was and still am a carcass.
Why didn’t you protect me?
And what makes you think I want you to again?
Nor would I ever want to protect you.
It wasn’t necessary. And neither was us.
Or you now that I think about it.
So let me euthanize you. Morals off.
And yet the arrow of my compass spins. Dizzying.
Close my eyes. Empty.
Where is it that draws me, that pulls me?
I can’t sense it. Not anymore.
I can’t reach out to you. Too far and too close.
To home that is.
Glad I held back. It wasn’t the time nor was it the place.
It would have been devalued.
Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Lost in the shuffle. Just another card in the deck.
Of course, there’s always four of a kind.
But I lay claim to both jokers.
Flush it out.
My mind is a cesspool full of hopes and dreams
If only it can be drained
The rhythmic sounds leaves me uneasy
It’s a ticking time bomb ready to blow at moment’s, unnoticed.
What is peacetime to a warrior born and bred in strife
But a silently relaxing torture chamber?
Let this blade of mine drink. Whatever and whomever.
Even if it’s me.
If pushing doesn’t work, maybe pulling might.
What if we both shared the same lucid dream, the same dream space? Does that count? We could walk together. Laugh together. Eat together. Listen to each other. Know what it’s like to be in each other’s presence, without it being real. But would it be real if we both know we’re dreaming? Shouldn’t count right? Would it not count if we didn’t know the other isn’t just a projection of our dream and is actually another dreamer? To escape, we can simply just wake up.
Because it was all just a dream.
Would you be up for this if we could?
Howl’s Moving Castle
Work today was insanely busy, and yet I handled it like a complete badass.
“Hey, the automation is broken because of <insert wrong assumption>”
No, as the creator of the automation, it’s because of…. *fixes the problem that I didn’t make*
“I think we should <insert dumb as hell fuckery idea here>”
No, what we should do is… *explain the best route to take*
“Need help with this in the lab x 2”
Hold my chicken, I got this… *fixes both problems at the same time*
“What’s your vision on our company’s biggest project and how we should proceed?”
Well, damn, the opinion of one person matters but I guess here’s my take… *pitches my idea*
I felt really confident and it somehow reminded me of Howl’s Moving Castle. Mainly the main character Sophie.
Do you remember in Howl’s Moving Castle, the few instances that Sophie turns back to her younger self? That’s quite possibly the scene(s) that hit me the hardest, and I just never realized it. Mainly because HMC isn’t in my top 3 Studio Ghibli films:
- Laputa
- Princess Mononoke
- Spirited Away
I always thought it was because Sophie “fell in love” and it broke the Witch of the Waste’s curse, the cliche plot. But looking online, others theorize that it was because Sophie’s confidence in herself is what broke through the curse (as in when confronting Madame Sulliman). In the book, apparently the curse wasn’t one that lasted long. Howl himself tried to break it but in the end, Howl understood it was Sophie who liked being in disguise. It was just easier that way for her and it’s how she views herself. It fits Miyazaki’s very strong feminist views. Sophie didn’t need Howl to survive, to live. She was (in my opinion) fine working in her hat shop before Howl came into her life. It was just that with the events in the movie, she found a reason to break her mold. She wanted to be with Howl, not needed him.
But the movie scene that definitely relates to me is when Howl takes Sophie to his special place, a simple house in a field of flowers. Sophie was extremely happy and turned young again. Her insecurities/doubts disappeared, so there’s nothing holding her back. Then she realized that this was a potential parting gift from Howl, who she may never see again. She then let the feeling that she wasn’t anything special, that all she can do is clean and be of service to him, to only follow and never walk side by side with him, back into her heart. In that moment, she grew old again, despite Howl trying to reassure her that she’s beautiful (he meant inside and out at that point).
I do that often. We all do at some point or in every chance we get. Thinking that we’re only capable of what we perceive we’re capable of. Have you ever felt so excited about something, that all the stress in the world disappears? You’re in the moment, tunnel visioned to your goal. Then suddenly, reality (or what you think reality is) kicks in. Not enough time. Too much other responsibilities. Not capable. Not enough money. Fear of failure. Costs of failure. That happened with me recently (see one of my poems).
I need to watch this movie again and the Top 3 list may change. Maybe at that point, I really didn’t pay much attention to the subtle messages/themes of the movie. I need to buy it again because my friend, who borrowed mine, scratched it to the point that it skips randomly *sigh.* Or maybe, when I did watch it, I wasn’t in a state where the themes of the movie applied to me as much as they do now. Back then, I truly was confident on who I was. Maybe the younger me saw Sophie as a weak-willed character and couldn’t relate. Until now. And of course, the best line out of all Studio Ghibli films (for me at least):
A heart’s a heavy burden.
Side note: While researching HMC and what the messages it tries to convey are, I came upon a quote from Miyazaki:
“I’ve become skeptical of the unwritten rule that just because a boy and girl appear in the same feature, a romance must ensue. Rather, I want to portray a slightly different relationship, one where the two mutually inspire each other to live — if I’m able to, then perhaps I’ll be closer to portraying a true expression of love.” — Hayao Miyazaki
Hey, think our friendship is Studio Ghibli like? What would the movie be called?
And another one from Princess Mononoke that should probably be #1 on my list:
“Life is suffering. It is hard. The world is cursed. But still, you find reasons to keep living.”
Can’t remember where Princess Mononoke stood in your top. Check out the quotes. Dont you think you/we could relate?
Princess Mononoke Quotes
Wasn’t sure what to say, or if I could’ve said anything that could’ve helped. Whether not that means helping you or helping myself, that’s the question. It’ll work out for the best, hopefully for everyone.
Not a number, unless it’s one and only one.
Though it wasn’t or ever will be my call, or be called.
Just so happens to be the result of futile expeditions.
Get in tow, others will take their turn.
A line of kings await to offer their kingdom.
What could a lowly knight have offered?
To rule a kingdom. Population: one.
Dream. Nightmare. Let me sleep. Let me wake up.
Stop telling me otherwise. Please.
I know what’s real.
Not really. I don’t. Maybe I never have.
In too deep this time.
I know this feeling too well. Frightening.
Bricks. Let’s build it. Just to be safe.
Because maybe I need one, too.
Or just hug myself. To both restrain and to assure me
That I’m worth it.
Yet another feeling is building up.
Have to let this go. I can’t fathom letting this grow.
Because of who it’s directed towards.
I don’t want it to. I don’t want you to… too.
Two directions. My eyes can’t keep up.
How well can I hide how I truly feel?
Who am I hiding what Im feeling from?
What do I feel when I have to hide?
When did I have to start hiding?
Where can I hide so I don’t have to feel?
Why bother?
Your smiles. It elates me.
Never stop.
I’ve always preferred silver to gold.
Maybe I can think it to existence.
I lied. I knew the words. All of it.
Flayed Syntax 