Single, not ready to mingle

I’ve always been afraid of being alone. Since I was 16, I’ve never had a whole year where I was not in a relationship (long or close distance). This kept me emotionally fragile with the inability of enjoying the company of myself, by myself. Lack of self-confidence and self-esteem is probably the end result of this. My existence’s validation is based completely by someone else. But this also made me eager to jump into relationships or to stay in one when it wasn’t working out.

I had a past relationship in high school where being emotionally torn by someone, I jumped into a relationship with someone else. It “worked out” eventually as I was happy throughout this relationship but I was also became very sensitive, very insecure. What if this doesn’t work out and I’m left alone again? I lashed out. Acted like a jerk. Wanted as much attention as possible. It was always a pity party. It wasn’t healthy, and I can honestly say I was to blame.

On the extreme other end, bending over backwards for someone recently to keep the relationship going is also a fault of mine. I’ve written about it on here, but I still can’t believe it happened. Being cast aside, choosing to witness it and expect to come out on top. I was naive. Foolish.

Thus, I give myself a whole year of being by myself. The exact date? Not sure. But maybe, any time after I’m 31? It’s not a hard-nosed requirement but still, I need this. For me. I need to endure this world on my own first before expecting to travel and endure it with someone else. I already know what it’s like to have useless baggage.

I don’t want to be one myself.

 

How many times was I truly “in love”? My relationship history….

I was told I fall in love easily., which I didn’t really think was a correct statement. But I took it a step further. How many times was I truly in love? I believe I loved, hard, in many relationships and pursuits. But being “in love” is a bit different. I believe healthy and fulfilling relationships can do without love, or the classical definition of what love is (….though whatever that may be). Survive this world together. Explore it together. Possibly reproduce. Why must it be complicated? You can learn to love someone. But falling in love?

My first brush with “love” was definitely in the 7th grade. Rochelle, was her name. This was my descent, in a way. A goth Filipina/white chick and I, a preppy “God fearing” Filipino/Chinese boy. She flipped many of my ingrained believes, such as the existence of God, paganism, “making love is just sex”, and the introduction of rock music to my Winamp list. We never went official, and it was obvious I was into her. Was it love? Heart beating. Would log on to AOL just to see if “sicfreakbaby” was on? Looking at her from across the classroom, and looking away when she noticed? Or was it an infatuation? We never dated into high school as we began hanging out with different groups. Her with the stoners and me with the advance placement kids (….and gangstas).

Speaking of high school, I definitely wasn’t in love with Erin, my 2nd gf who was my longest close distance relationship for more than a decade (7 months) from the 9th grade. She was someone I dated when the girl who I was infatuated with (Jen) at the time turned me down and went out with a stoner, despite liking me back (weird, I know). Which, by the way, was one reason Rochelle and I’s friendship was scarred for 2 years. Rochelle was in love with Jen but Jen was completely straight. Anyways, I began liking Erin after finding out she was into Anime and video games and she was a pretty cute blonde, too. We got along pretty well, so after a few weeks, we decided to give it a go. Within the first half of the relationship, I noticed that I had a jealousy and attention seeking issue. It caused issues and also Erin had a very clingy personality. It “worked out” due to similar interests and the fact that it was 9th grade. Though we ended up breaking up in the summer. I think I “loved” having her as a gf but nothing more. It was this relationship that I realized I needed to keep my jealousy and paranoia in check or else future relationships will be torn by it.

Jenny and I met at a weird way. When she was a freshman and I a junior, I first noticed her in a seminar hall. At that point, there were probably only 3-4 Asians that I knew went to our school so seeing another one was like finding a shiny Pokemon. Though I saw her in September, it wasn’t until around the beginning of December when we started talking. I stumbled upon her Xanga (where I initially blogged….and regret deleting 4 years ago….) and commented. At that point, she was still talking and hanging with her ex (who, was there when she began IMing me on AIM). I thought nothing of it but our mutual attraction and personality match eventually made us want to try it out. Problem was, she came from a troubled childhood and had depression swings. She was the first gf I had where depression became a major theme, and made me realize I had it myself. We only dated I believe 1 month before she decided she was still in love with her ex. Her ex eventually hurt her again, and I was there to comfort her. We dated one more time the next year briefly but decided it was best we remain just friends due to different lifestyles (she wasn’t necessarily a scholastic Asian and I wouldn’t have time for her in college). But I grew to love her as a little sister, protecting her from other guys that tried to hit on her/touch her (an Asian girl with a big chest, very easily harassed…).

Kathy was my first long distance crush starting in the middle of junior year. She lives in Illinois and I met her on Myspace. I believe she and I were part of a group for J-Rock. I decided to add her and we just connected. She and I hold the longest record of being on the phone for about 27+ hours? Yeah, never doing that again. But was I in love? I realized one key strength of why I always seem to attract women: I’m a man who listens and responds. Kathy, too, came from a pretty messed up situation of abuse, sexually and mentally. There were days where I cried with her because the situation was sometimes too much. But there were many laughs, many late night text sessions, checking my phone during class when she sends another message to brighten my day. She gave me time. She gave me attention when I least expected it. I didn’t feel alone, especially in my junior year. We started to drift as her depression kicked in and made her look towards someone who was closer to her physically. My depression also hit a fever pitch this year, too. We still remained friends but talked far less frequently. I dont think I was in love. I loved listening to her voice. Loved her laugh, despite going through so much abuse. I loved making her smile with my jokes.

Jinah, was Kathy’s best friend. I added her a few months after starting to talk to Kathy. She hated Jenny. There were times when I talked to Kathy about Jenny as Jenny messed with my emotions, which I dont think was intentional. Of course, Kathy told Jinah and while Jinah and I weren’t the closest of friends, she saw me as a friend due to helping her best friend cope with depression. Jinah also had a boyfriend when I was interested in Kathy. One day, summer before senior year, I started talking to her randomly on Myspace, found out she also broke up with her boyfriend a month prior, and connected on our love with DDR. Jinah was an adopted Japanese/Korean girl living in a white household. It didnt take long for both of us to realize we liked each other, a lot. Kathy didn’t mind though was a bit jealous at first despite being with someone else already. I think, this was the first case of where I was “in love.” Jinah and I were just extremely compatible. From our taste in music, love of DDR, anime, thoughts on life, sense of humor, scholastic achievements she seemed the perfect fit. But this is where trust issues and jealousy ruined my relationship. Her ex still wanted her back. She chose to hang out with him and I still didn’t trust her. We decided to meet up after I graduated, despite protests from my mother. My mother never approved of Jinah. It almost never happened. I agreed to visit my mother’s best friend in Michigan and her best friend’s husband with drive to Illinois the week after. That was a lie and I forced her hand to make it happen else I would make a huge scene at their house. It worked.

It was, I believe, a 5-6 hour train ride. It was the most nerve wrecking train ride of my life. How would she look in person? Would she be disappointed in how I look in person? How does she sound, not through speakers or headphones? Can I hold her hand the first time I see her? She was waiting at the train station. I stopped a bit when I saw her, smiled, and in the next 5 seconds she was in my arms. I wanted to say it was a fairy tale moment. The distance, I conquered it. The girl that I love is in my arms. The next day, we went on a date, first breakfast with her mother who absolutely loved me (from then on, any time we were on cam, she waved at me). By noontime, I was at an arcade, with both my mom and her brother unfortunately tagging along. We couldnt get any privacy. We wanted to be each other’s first time. Plan was to initially drop my mom at the mall and say we’ll walk around but instead go back to the hotel. With her brother in tow, her brother kept being annoying and never left her side. It was not until I noticed her brother trying to win a watch from a crane game. I tried it and got it on the first try and gave it to him. It was there he started to like me and gave her and I some space.

We watched a movie shortly after. It was there that I told her how much I loved her in person. I gave her a ring, representing my heart. I gave her my dolphin necklace, representing my soul. She and I eventually got privacy and lost our virginity together. But it didnt last. During the summer, her ex began to ramp up his advances, and she didn’t do much to reject him and I felt jealous and insecure. We fought. A lot. And broke up. I found out she eventually dated the other Filipino guy in her school but slept around a lot. I didn’t like how she became. It was a huge change from the girl who I can firmly say, was my first love.

Annie, was someone I met on an MMO called Maplestory. I was bored one day and noticed her in her noob gear, and just started stabbing at her. She eventually joined the guild that I was a vice at, and eventually my own guild when I decided to leave the guild. The entire guild followed me because our leader was always absent but never gave me lead. We didnt start talking until maybe half a year of knowing each other. She was my longest relationship though we had cracks and splits in our time together. It was around our second year when we broke up and remained friends.

Lughcie (pronounced Lucy), was someone I met on MySpace shortly after Annie and I broke up. She lived in Michigan, funny enough, and I just was attracted to her so I gave her a message and she replied. She and I didn’t share much as far as hobbies are concerned: Im a gamer and she was into fashion. But it was our personality match as well as our mutual physical attraction to one another that made us talk constantly. Every single day. Unlike Annie, which the relationship was light hearted, gamer-like and friendly, Lucy and I had a more mature communication. Lucy had a roadblock of ever being with me: she is Hmong and I am not. While her sister is dating a white guy, her family begged her to follow tradition and marry a Hmong guy. Lucy didnt want that. She wanted me. And I was willing to meet her parents to accept us (. Her parents eventually arranged for her to start dating another Hmong man. And Lucy gave in. She implored me to visit her as soon as possible. She wanted me to be her first. I wanted to, but, what was the point? Yeah, she and I wanted each other physically bad. We wished we had been born under a different set of stars. We wished she could reject her traditions, though selfish of me, to be together. Her sister did it. Why couldn’t she? It never happened, and soon afterwards, she felt it was best to no longer talk. I dont think I was in love. it was clearly physical attraction, but we got along real well.

Annie and I picked things back up a few months later. It was then that I believe I started to grow to love her. She was cute. She was funny. She had a good head on her shoulders. She and I share the same hobbies. I began flying to see her every year, twice a year. It was in our 5th year where I implored her to tell her parents about me and the possibility of marriage. I wanted her to move up to where I live and she wanted to move up, too. Thing was, she felt obligated to stay in Florida to take care of her family. That caused a rift in our plan as I was ready to move to the next step. I wanted to live with her to see if we were compatible. Unfortunately, in her last year in college, she became very distant. We had many fights, because she couldn’t be bothered to send me a text every day. One text.  There was times when it took her a week to do so. And I was working full time, doing a graduate class but was still able to send her texts. We drifted further and further with each passing week. I lived on my own and with my best friend moving to a different state, I was extremely lonely and had a hard time finding reasons to smile. That and work got to me, too, as I began my transition from being a Database Administrator to Software Developer.

Enter Leila. I played an MMO called Eden Eternal at that point. Annie played it too but stopped shortly due to college load. Two months before Annie and I broke up, the game had an unexpected maintenance. Our guild members flocked to the guild’s Facebook page and started posting. No one knew who I was as I never posted on the page (except for the guild leader) and caused a bit of a stir when people found out who I was (I was the most guild). I didnt know Leila was the noob I helped earlier today with her friends. She messaged me to say thanks and we just talked. Not flirting. Just talked. Talked about the game. Talked about her life. How it was like living in New York. Her Accounting major. How she just came to the states 3 years prior from China and somehow acquired a Brooklyn accent in such a short time. Before I knew it, it was morning already and I didnt sleep.

We began running dungeons together with her friends. And little by little, I ended up having feelings for her. She was attractive. She too, was in school but managed to balance time for both school and gaming, and eventually time to talk to me. She kept me in check, wasn’t shy like Annie and called me out when I said or did something foolish. We both acknowledged that we had feelings for each other but won’t act upon it as I was already with someone else. We kept it platonic for the next month while I gave Annie more chances to put more effort into our relationship.

That never happened.

And soon, I broke up with Annie. Leila and I gave each other time after the break up. Didn’t talk much. Didn’t run any dungeons. I was hurt. I loved Annie. I truly, wanted us to work. I would have paid for her to finish her studies in Maryland, where our schools were better than the school she was going to.  I just wanted her with me. And even still, just a single text was all I wanted. Long distance relationships survive on communication. I understand she had college to worry about, but one text a week? Come on.

Leila and I decided to meet halfway in New Jersey. And the morning after, when I was still drowsy from drinking for the first time (Leila drinks a lot), she checked both of us in New Jersey. Annie found out, and sent me a text. Leila was very upset that I was still affected by Annie’s words. In the next few months, Leila and I had a tumultuous relationship. She also started falling for another guy. She also stopped liking me. She wasn’t sure why we were in a relationship too. But I too, also began liking someone else. So why did we stay together? We fought a lot. We cried together. While not sharing a similar background, she had a lot on her plate to succeed in America, which so many first generation Asians can relate to. Eventually, she chose me and I accepted her again, because we found comfort in each other. Yeah, physically the comfort felt good, but it was just being around each other that kept both of our souls at ease.

She became pregnant that Autumn.

I remember that call like it was yesterday. Then and there, I told her that I’d take responsibility. She told me neither of us was ready. She will get an abortion. Now, I’m 100% a pro-choice guy but a part of me wanted her to keep it. I always wanted to be a father. I was. The week after her abortion, I drove up. She showed me a picture of the life we created. I cried. Hard. We continued fresh. She was on the pill but we started using the shot instead. For a whole year, I visited her every month, sometimes twice a month. She opened me up. I was a shy person, but began being more confident and independent thanks to her. She was a very focused and blunt individual. I had to match her. The problem was, she eventually revealed that her career comes first. After switching fields from accounting to psychiatry, she said she wasn’t going to get married nor have kids until after her career has started. And that would be around 34 for her, and 36 for me. That was not in my schedule but endured in hopes that she may change her mind.

She did. On us.

She wanted me to not wait. That I deserve someone who can give me what I wanted. A wife. A family. A home. She also did not want to move away from New York. She loves it there. I didn’t. It’s too busy. Too dirty. But we still saw each other for 3 months after breaking up. She depended on each other. Physically and emotionally. But the physicality could only satiate me for so long. I guess that’s what she wanted. She thought that was enough for me to stick around.  It wasn’t. I wanted more than just sex. At that point, sex was just another part of our routine. It wasn’t special. It was empty.

I met Meena on a dating site called Plenty of Fish. She wanted to be an actress. I found her cute. I noticed her as her profile disappeared every now and then from the “users that viewed you” list until one day, she was online when I saw her so I messaged her. We hit it off, but I told her I wasn’t ready to see her. I began having extreme self-image issues as I began letting myself go. She liked another guy who worked with her and I told her that she can wait for me for one more week, and I’ll see her. She didn’t want to and slept with him, losing her virginity.  She instantly regretted it as the guy continued to ask for more. She and I stayed platonic but feelings began to emerge. Leila had asked me to visit her 4 months after my last visit for my birthday for obvious reasons. While Meena and I weren’t officially dating, I told Leila that I was not interested and that Im already sort of seeing someone else. Leila was pissed, but that didn’t matter to me. The emptiness in that physical relationship was not important to me.

Meena and I began dating officially a week after the Freddie Gray riots in Baltimore. We didn’t share much similarities. She was a theater major, I was a Computer Information Systems major. She worked at retail, I work as a developer. She wasnt the biggest gamer, was an even pickier eater and always….never thought about me. I didnt realize it at first. We had many laughs, which was the single greatest thing about the relationship. We kept at it, for almost 3 years. I paid all the time. Food. Drinks. Hotels. Conventions. Trips. Her car. She is my longest close distance relationship but not really much to write. It was, the same thing over and over again. Her obsession with K-Pop and South Korea. We had a fight because she wanted to live in South Korea for at least half a year. With whose money? Oh, mine. Fast forward it to literally 3 months ago. She stopped being in love with me. Fucked around with an 18 year old. And foolish me, endured it. Wont give her any more time that she has already wasted. I’ve already written about her several times so, no point.

 

I believe, I was “in love” in the classical sense only one time in my life.

 

What’s the definition of Love?

My definition of being in love was always “there’s no definition.” If you love someone because they’re kind, thoughtful, funny those are aspects of that person. Love is something you can’t quantify. It’s that indescribable allure to someone.

But really….

Why does it matter?

Whether whatever definition you use, does it really matter? Whether you fall head over heels for someone, or you grow to love them, if you’re happy, then you’re happy.

I believe people put so much emphasis on what love is to them. Some prefer a fiery love that will keep them entertained, filled with passion. Others prefer a calm, soothing love that they can simply close their eyes and be at peace with one another. So why does the definition matter?

Throughout my life, I had experienced various forms of “love,” many that I would have been happy keeping for the rest of my life. I felt a storybook love of trials and tribulations with Jinah. A long, comfortable love with Annie. And a hard nosed but focused love filled with physical passion with Leila.

 

And then she appeared.

I’ve already written about her, too. My poetry, obviously, references her. My thoughts clearly focused on her. To meet someone so similar to you in background, in a way no one could ever relate to you. To learn what she has gone through, those negative emotions that you have felt, too that no one else could relate with. To talk to her as if she’s a friend you’ve known for decades, visiting you for a few days. And yeah, I fell for those eyes too. Everything. Including her supposed “darkness.” I acted like this, too.

I know.

And yet, realizing that you’re a few months too late. That she’s at a point where she believes, of no return. That this girl who I jokingly call my soulmate, was going through what is to be her last desired relationship just a year ago, on the same game, at the same time that your relationship is turning to shit.

While fate brought us together, it’s fate that also is tearing us apart or rather, teasing us in  this hopeless waltz.

And yet, the funny thing is, despite how much she’s my type, what makes me the happiest is knowing that maybe I can somehow change her outlook on life. And it doesn’t have to involve me being the person she loves/is with. There’s so much love in her heart that has turned to hate because of just how shitty this world is. She said she’s perfectly fine being alone. She prefers it that way. And I selfishly think she doesn’t truly mean it.

Because I know me. And she knows me.

Im in love with her essence. Not in love with her sexually or as a compatible partner. The beauty that is her tarnished soul. That, is what I love. And yet, I feel so powerless in trying to go against those negative emotions. The distance. Her reluctance for me to get even closer. The silence. Past suspicions. Flashbacks.

But now I don’t even know how she feels about me. Does she hate me? Get annoyed by me? Bored of me? The end game was never really to become her lover. It was to get her smiling again. To see that there are people like us in the world, that makes this world worth living. And possibly, endure this world together too. But so far, it feels like she’s drifting away, to a place that my wings can’t reach. A darkness my light cant breach.

 

I’m not after you. I just want to walk with you.

 

 

Thank you

This was a very long post. If you got here, thanks for reading.