A site four sore eyes

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For those that know me, I’ve been recently in and out of surgery for my left eye. I had gotten a cataract when I was in my college years and the lens implanted was now loose. Should have been a single day for 2 types of operation but the doctors had an issue with scheduling. And now Im headed to my third surgery, with the 3rd and 4th procedure at least on the same day.

It’s been a bitch really, the past 4 months. Sight is definitely the most important sense and we take it for granted sometime. I thought I could handle closing my eye for a prolonged time, but it’s a strain. Even driving, which used to be so effortless is now the worst part of my day. At least the comfort of the people around me who care has made this experience somewhat tolerable.

And yet, there are those people whom you thought would be with you at times like these ended up being just like everyone else. Only wanting to be in your life when it was convenient for them. When they needed you. And when you needed them, no where to be found.

You dont need both eyes to see that those types of people aren’t ones worth worrying about.

Pedestal

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We’ve all done it. Putting someone on a pedestal. Whether it be we’re extremely attracted to them physically. Or how vibrant their personality is. How smart they are. The hilarity of their jokes. And how they make us smile. But what is swept under the rug, could be fundamental quirks about them that we want to ignore. That because of all their good, their bad is outweighed by a significant margin.

But we tend to compare volume and not mass. The simplest flaw can have cascading consequences. Even if you are part of their lives, you may be nothing but a bookend on their shelf. You ground them. Support them. But in the end, you’re never going to be a part of their storyline.

Just a novelty presence in their life’s novel.

Fix

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It’s sad that you can’t always give it your all. And maybe it’s because we’re sometimes drawn to people we feel desperately need someone like us in their lives, only to be dropped off once we’re no longer need. That we’re simply band-aids, something temporary in the grand scheme of things. But we hope, that this time it would be different. After all, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

Never is.

I’ve always said there’s such a limit to how much we can put in our bowl. Or who we plan to share the contents of our bowl. And yet, we tend to spill it to bowls that have cracks in it. We don’t account for the leaks because we feel we’d fill that gap. But in the end, it’s our very own bowl that starts to crack. But we don’t see it, as it starts from the outside in. Before we can notice, it would be far too late. Because we’d spent so much time pouring more into our bowl that we’re now exhausted, just going through the motions. Never stopping to realize and look for a fix.

It’s life. This is just how it is.

And it all started because our fix was getting our fix on fixing others and never realizing what broke the fixer is the fix in & of itself.

Playfully

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I’ve learned to curb my expectations. Not to say I’m completely cynical, but more like that even though I’m not religious, it feels like sometimes a higher being is pulling the strings of this comedic tragic play that I call my life. Front and center. And yet they all exit stage left.

Many of us may want to see the spoilers ahead of time. Is this worth watching? Is this worth being invested in? Who are the main cast members and who are simply episodic extras? Obviously we’re the hero right? Or possibly, we are our own antagonistic villains.

Are we in the third Act or are we still building up to what we’re destined for?

Reinventing the wheel

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Kind of sucks taking triple the amount of melatonin that I usually take and still be unable to sleep. Ended up having the urge to write something meaningful here.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve made strides to somewhat start fresh. Part of it was killing off Rhem and the whole “online persona” thing I’ve long been attached to. Whether it be changing certain sites, certain accounts to reflect a different name. And the history of this handle is so rich, mired with both controversy and also memories I dare not try to forget. So as many New Years resolutions out there, this attempt is tragically failing.

This blog originally started because I felt some regret deleting my Xanga years back. Didn’t really write much and pretty much shelved this until I was given a reason to write with some unexpected inspiration. Since then, it has become sometimes a pain in the ass. It was meant to be private, only for the eyes of certain individuals but it was spread and became a topic bored trolls in a certain dead game used to spy on me. But maybe it shouldn’t have been private all along and maybe there might be some use of this blog. If thoughts keep me up and I have absolutely no one to spill it to, then I shall spill it here and maybe, just maybe someone out there might find some use of my shoddy thoughts.

Vision

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Have to admit, I’ve been stuck on a game called Genshin Impact. Ever since I left the last MMO I played, I’ve been yearning to get back into a community. Yet, not going to lie, the community of the game is pretty shit and toxic, it’s mostly a single player game and I enjoy being immersed in the world. It gave me something to do and enjoy. It’s a game where each playable character has an item called a Vision, which allows them to harness elemental energy. Not the most unique thing but damn is the world beautiful…

Speaking of visions, it’s the last day of the year and we’re all reflecting. Thinking about what has happened this year to us and to everyone else around. Some are blessed, some more than others and many are far more affected. Counting our blessings and planning everything we can to ensure our own and our loved one’s survival and happiness. We reflect on what we want and what we dont want. What we hope to work towards and to cull any and all things that kept us back. Whether it be minor or major, every little bit counts.

I realized that I’ve put people on the pedestal that have no business being put there. The issue about always trying to see the positives in people is that we neglect to acknowledge the negatives. And that oversight leads to our own suffering, to our own annoyances but we think hey, this person is so worth it. But are they? Are they really?

Have you ever wondered why others don’t choose your company over others? That they’re only around when they need you? Not even in a romantic company sense. Just simply, why are these people constantly the sum of the company they keep? Despite connecting on an emotional level. Despite, seemingly, finding people on the same wavelength, you realize that they arent on the same frequency as you originally thought.

But then it hit me, that some relationships are simply best at arm’s length. I was a geeky, Yu-Gi-Oh! loving Asian kid in a mostly black high school and yet, I was friends with all the popular black athletes. I was able to mingle in their circle of friends but was never really part of the group as I was normally with the social outcasts. And yet, I was never picked on and actually was quite popular. I can’t simply force social ties closer than what is expected and wanted of me.

I’m tired. Some people deserve the work, the effort. Some truly don’t. When you become part of a cyclic, self harming routine, and you don’t want help in breaking those chains, keep those chains. Some truly are masochistic. People are utter disappointments. And Im done believing people want to truly learn and truly grow. I guess I’ve become a bit jaded. After all, there are things I continue to cope with, I can’t be bothered when people don’t seem to want to change.

I feel for the people that are truly broken souls. As I’ve said, we’re all products of our environments, whether positive or negative. And maybe Im bias for these types of fools. After all, birds of a feather….ya know? But people that have it all? That the worst thing they had to go through is having too much? The only enemy they ever had is within? They get to cry into their lovely fitted sheets at night, crying because they know tomorrow is a definite.

Must be nice.

So for those that worked hard, no matter where you are right now, keep going at it. There is no room to bitch or moan about things. But I don’t need to tell you this. You already know. I know you know. Even if the reflection is cracked, my vision is pretty damn clear, 20/20 even. It takes a broken mirror to realize one is a tapestry of broken shards.

Lovely notes

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We take notes but are often offkey
Never in tune with harmony
The flatline hits a fever pitch
A quick waltz with the devil
Hope pulls our heartstrings
But also strikes a chord
In an established vacuum
Melancholic vibes still reverberate