Tag: Blog

Wrong timing, right people

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Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about how we tend to form bonds with others. Difficult to quantify and probably impossible to even do so, I can’t help but try to. We’ve all been there: new place, new people, trying to find your friend circle, trying to find a place you can feel at ease and be yourself. You see folks with the same hobbies as you. Maybe you share the same ethnic background, the same political stances. Music and movies and anything of pop culture is also what we try to use. And yet, sometimes when we do find said people, they’re reluctant to welcome you in or just simply not interested.

But we aren’t entitled to their time and effort.

There’s such a finite amount of time in a day, and as we grow through phases of life, we tend to reserve that time for the people that we do care about. There simply isn’t any more room for any more guests. Nothing against you or them, no one is at fault, there just aren’t any vacancies at the moment. Some people have such enriched and full lives, some are still yearning to find said enrichment of their own.

And yet sometimes when you least expect it, a vacancy pops up and now you’re boarding, wondering how long the duration of your stay will be.

Then there’s the part of me that I thought had died, not wanting to ever feel the sharpness of that pain again. I tried to subdue it, and still am trying to. But Im happy. Im glad to feel this feeling again. I expect nothing out of it. But it’s the feeling of knowing that Im still capable of that emotion. It’s warm. It’s exciting, yet still scary. If love is what killed me, only love can bring me back. But I’ll need to be able to accept it, and also accept that I can still be killed over and over again. It all just takes one, right?

Even butterflies make graves their home.

Cadence

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It feels like I really put at most 2 or 3 posts on this site per year, to justify the annual cost of whatever WordPress’ premium membership is to keep the flayedsyntax domain name. I do like it, so, I guess it is whatevs huh?

On that note, my pup has grown so big now. It really was an impulsive decision and I regretted it the first month, but in the end, that big nosed brat brings a sense of responsibility that I really needed. You don’t find dogs, dogs find you huh?

At the library as I type this up. Library, can you believe it? Even though I decided to drop my last graduate program, waiting to get into another one this fall. And finally doing full stack development again. It’s funny just how chaotic and uncertain careers can be.

But it’s the fact that Im surrounded by people that care and push me to be the best I can be. To have emotional support from people that really want the best from and out of you.

Eyesight is still getting worse. Possibly leading to another set of surgeries. Funny how things get clearer when the path to it get foggier.

Hops

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And just like that, I jumped to my 4th company since making that leap of faith a year and a half ago. Not intentional but I can’t argue my salary increasing every time. Funny enough, my previous company reached out to me asking if I’d like to return and promised me an even higher salary. But it’s getting to the point where it’s not really about the money, but rather the people Im surrounded with. The heartbeat of the company matters, too. I used to think as long as I get paid, I’ll be happy but the ethical and moral issues I have with the company does bother me. At this point, my stress levels matter more than a slight bump. But I guess we all have our price point. If it allows me to take care of my mom so she’d never work again, I’d be foolish not to accept such an offer. As long as I can look myself in the mirror and am happy with what I see.

Imposter syndrome has been something I’ve been trying to cope with the past year. After all, being stuck in the same environment for almost a decade, it’s hard to see myself doing well when I feel what I do is easier than what I’m used to. Being seen as a SME in my new locale but not feeling it, I need to find that perfect balance between humility and confidence. But it’s just not me, and I know this feeling is the reason why I held myself back for years. Thankfully, I’ve met wonderful people who have been instrumental in getting my confidence up. Thanks to her, I joined a company full of wonderful people who have done nothing but help me and instill confidence in me.

Being part of a bigger group that you care about makes you want to improve. So I’ve finally decided to continue my Masters degree starting next semester. Even though several places have expressed their desire to recruit me and I’d probably get a higher salary, it’s my wish to help build and grow with this company. I have 7 classes left with my Masters and who knows, the world of academia is a potential, post-workforce avenue I’d like to explore, maybe get into research, look into a PhD and teach. But for now, getting my Masters, getting certifications for other platforms is one sure way to take my skills and prestige to the next level.

Not saying I’m now a gym rat but damn, I’ve got to give it to people that work out consistently. Thankfully my friend keeps me accountable. Im starting to get the hang of how to do certain workouts, got workout gear, those heavy ass Bowflex adjustable dumbbells and errthang. Im still chickenshit and too socially awkward to go to the gym by myself but luckily shes a gym rat so I go multiple times a week anyways. Works out (pun intended).

Still funny how things worked out. She was the first person I talked to after the move but never really got close with or talked to. And just like that, within a span of a year, she’s become one of the main drivers of the changes in my life and career. Introducing me to great people and a great company. The most social I’ve been ever and it’s thanks to her. She doesn’t understand how much I appreciate her and that she’s entered a very restricted club where I’d do whatever to takes to protect the happiness of her, her significant other and close friends and family.

There’s things still left that I need answers for but we can save those for next year.

A site four sore eyes

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For those that know me, I’ve been recently in and out of surgery for my left eye. I had gotten a cataract when I was in my college years and the lens implanted was now loose. Should have been a single day for 2 types of operation but the doctors had an issue with scheduling. And now Im headed to my third surgery, with the 3rd and 4th procedure at least on the same day.

It’s been a bitch really, the past 4 months. Sight is definitely the most important sense and we take it for granted sometime. I thought I could handle closing my eye for a prolonged time, but it’s a strain. Even driving, which used to be so effortless is now the worst part of my day. At least the comfort of the people around me who care has made this experience somewhat tolerable.

And yet, there are those people whom you thought would be with you at times like these ended up being just like everyone else. Only wanting to be in your life when it was convenient for them. When they needed you. And when you needed them, no where to be found.

You dont need both eyes to see that those types of people aren’t ones worth worrying about.

Fix

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It’s sad that you can’t always give it your all. And maybe it’s because we’re sometimes drawn to people we feel desperately need someone like us in their lives, only to be dropped off once we’re no longer need. That we’re simply band-aids, something temporary in the grand scheme of things. But we hope, that this time it would be different. After all, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

Never is.

I’ve always said there’s such a limit to how much we can put in our bowl. Or who we plan to share the contents of our bowl. And yet, we tend to spill it to bowls that have cracks in it. We don’t account for the leaks because we feel we’d fill that gap. But in the end, it’s our very own bowl that starts to crack. But we don’t see it, as it starts from the outside in. Before we can notice, it would be far too late. Because we’d spent so much time pouring more into our bowl that we’re now exhausted, just going through the motions. Never stopping to realize and look for a fix.

It’s life. This is just how it is.

And it all started because our fix was getting our fix on fixing others and never realizing what broke the fixer is the fix in & of itself.

Playfully

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I’ve learned to curb my expectations. Not to say I’m completely cynical, but more like that even though I’m not religious, it feels like sometimes a higher being is pulling the strings of this comedic tragic play that I call my life. Front and center. And yet they all exit stage left.

Many of us may want to see the spoilers ahead of time. Is this worth watching? Is this worth being invested in? Who are the main cast members and who are simply episodic extras? Obviously we’re the hero right? Or possibly, we are our own antagonistic villains.

Are we in the third Act or are we still building up to what we’re destined for?

Reinventing the wheel

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Kind of sucks taking triple the amount of melatonin that I usually take and still be unable to sleep. Ended up having the urge to write something meaningful here.

Since the beginning of the year, I’ve made strides to somewhat start fresh. Part of it was killing off Rhem and the whole “online persona” thing I’ve long been attached to. Whether it be changing certain sites, certain accounts to reflect a different name. And the history of this handle is so rich, mired with both controversy and also memories I dare not try to forget. So as many New Years resolutions out there, this attempt is tragically failing.

This blog originally started because I felt some regret deleting my Xanga years back. Didn’t really write much and pretty much shelved this until I was given a reason to write with some unexpected inspiration. Since then, it has become sometimes a pain in the ass. It was meant to be private, only for the eyes of certain individuals but it was spread and became a topic bored trolls in a certain dead game used to spy on me. But maybe it shouldn’t have been private all along and maybe there might be some use of this blog. If thoughts keep me up and I have absolutely no one to spill it to, then I shall spill it here and maybe, just maybe someone out there might find some use of my shoddy thoughts.

Vision

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Have to admit, I’ve been stuck on a game called Genshin Impact. Ever since I left the last MMO I played, I’ve been yearning to get back into a community. Yet, not going to lie, the community of the game is pretty shit and toxic, it’s mostly a single player game and I enjoy being immersed in the world. It gave me something to do and enjoy. It’s a game where each playable character has an item called a Vision, which allows them to harness elemental energy. Not the most unique thing but damn is the world beautiful…

Speaking of visions, it’s the last day of the year and we’re all reflecting. Thinking about what has happened this year to us and to everyone else around. Some are blessed, some more than others and many are far more affected. Counting our blessings and planning everything we can to ensure our own and our loved one’s survival and happiness. We reflect on what we want and what we dont want. What we hope to work towards and to cull any and all things that kept us back. Whether it be minor or major, every little bit counts.

I realized that I’ve put people on the pedestal that have no business being put there. The issue about always trying to see the positives in people is that we neglect to acknowledge the negatives. And that oversight leads to our own suffering, to our own annoyances but we think hey, this person is so worth it. But are they? Are they really?

Have you ever wondered why others don’t choose your company over others? That they’re only around when they need you? Not even in a romantic company sense. Just simply, why are these people constantly the sum of the company they keep? Despite connecting on an emotional level. Despite, seemingly, finding people on the same wavelength, you realize that they arent on the same frequency as you originally thought.

But then it hit me, that some relationships are simply best at arm’s length. I was a geeky, Yu-Gi-Oh! loving Asian kid in a mostly black high school and yet, I was friends with all the popular black athletes. I was able to mingle in their circle of friends but was never really part of the group as I was normally with the social outcasts. And yet, I was never picked on and actually was quite popular. I can’t simply force social ties closer than what is expected and wanted of me.

I’m tired. Some people deserve the work, the effort. Some truly don’t. When you become part of a cyclic, self harming routine, and you don’t want help in breaking those chains, keep those chains. Some truly are masochistic. People are utter disappointments. And Im done believing people want to truly learn and truly grow. I guess I’ve become a bit jaded. After all, there are things I continue to cope with, I can’t be bothered when people don’t seem to want to change.

I feel for the people that are truly broken souls. As I’ve said, we’re all products of our environments, whether positive or negative. And maybe Im bias for these types of fools. After all, birds of a feather….ya know? But people that have it all? That the worst thing they had to go through is having too much? The only enemy they ever had is within? They get to cry into their lovely fitted sheets at night, crying because they know tomorrow is a definite.

Must be nice.

So for those that worked hard, no matter where you are right now, keep going at it. There is no room to bitch or moan about things. But I don’t need to tell you this. You already know. I know you know. Even if the reflection is cracked, my vision is pretty damn clear, 20/20 even. It takes a broken mirror to realize one is a tapestry of broken shards.

First aid

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When’s the right time to let the blood flow freely? When’s the right to apply pressure? A few days ago I had written a post that details the last lingering feelings and thoughts I had for the most recent MMO that I’ve played but hid it after an hour or so. If the purpose of the post was to move on, why am I even writing such a post? And yet, I back tracked on that decision because I felt it had to be known and out there. It had to exist.

People cope in different ways. Some can completely block a chunk of reality while others forever overthink. Even in my last break up, I’ve had several people give varying views. Still be here friend. Wish her well. Tell her to go fuck off. It’s not right to harbor negative emotions. It’s healthy to despise people.

After all, I despise my father and have completely moved on in my life. Even though he reached back to me asking for my social security number (assuming he was probably putting me as a beneficiary in case he passed away), I rejected him and told him that I am perfectly fine the way things are. This bridge has long been burnt and a massive wall has been built in its place, with me no having no plans to scale it.

And yet there are times where I do simply let it go, because I felt any hold on my emotions is an L on my scorecard. It takes energy. Especially when it’s regarding people that have absolutely no bearing to my livelihood. So, in that vantage point, I should have simply let it go, right?

Issue was, it wasn’t about the pointless people that I had spent more than an hour typing about. It was about me. The situation was set that, I had absolutely no one to tell my side to completely. I felt completely hopeless in a situation that I should have never been part of. By sweeping this under the rug, it invalidates those times where I felt wronged. It invalidates the anger that I had. Or rather, have.

And is that anger towards myself? Towards them? Yes. Because I should have fought back. It was not until the very end where I decided to put both middle fingers up and no longer take shit. This whole nice guy side of me forever keeps me finishing last. I’ve said it before that it’s easier to blame myself because I can’t change others. Problem is, I’m taking hits I shouldn’t be taking. I can only tank for so long.

I need healing, too.

So I republished that post. My feelings are my feelings. My anger needs to rage on, or else bottling inside will suffocate me. And even if no one knows the complete story of things, I still have the takeaways, the lessons learned from it. After all, I do need fuel for my art.

Less of “I’m sorry” and way more “Fuck it.”