“It started with soap” was our thing, as it was the very excuse that I used to slide into her DMs that one faithful snowy night, when I was working overnight to get a certain project done before the next day. It came from a recurring joke about a guild that has members whom ate soap. And ever since that day, past the drama that comes from playing an MMORPG, our time spent together cleansed the impurities of daily life. Morning calls to start the day. Midday calls in-between meetings. Coming home to get on call again, and either staying up way past necessary by watching a video, listening to her play her game, or just our natural desire to always be on separate ends of a voice call.

It was a complicated situation, as we weren’t technically dating but at the same time we were exclusive. She was extremely smart but she had some really unusual quirks. For the most part, we pretty much were dating, even remarked by her, but that term was sure taboo. That did always bothered me, because while it was simply just a term, most sane people feel a sense of security, of satisfaction and joy, knowing that someone else is theirs. She was easy to anger, so I honestly let it be.

And that’s where a good chunk of the problems originated from. I’m someone who is extremely flexible. And I thought that would mean if I’m ever with someone who isn’t flexible, that we’ll balance each other out. Because I’m flexible in what I wanted. In what makes me happy. So, cool, as long as we’re together, I’m fine with whatever. But now I know, I’m simply settling. Again.

But maybe it’s also the age difference. No amount of IQ can replace years of experience and maturity, even if you try to jump start it. The very subtle things that you can only notice by years of experience. She never got, despite it being completely obvious. I remember the time we had an argument whether not someone was hitting on her. Despite throwing personal experience and examples of that guy’s behavior, she was completely against the idea (which turns out, I was right).

And it’s that annoyance of the lack of trust and belief in me that started to manifest. Maybe not manifest, but has always been there. That once again, I’m taken for granted and not appreciated. Just saying you appreciate someone, does absolutely nothing. It’s her always turning to her friends of similar age for advice about anything rather than to me. It’s her never bothering to ever tell me what’s on her mind, that we can never talk things out. It’s her always wanting to be right and has the sass to always out talk me.

As much good as I believe our relationship could have been, I don’t know how emotionally, I could have survived until we’ve “actually” dated. I’ve told her many times, being with her is walking on egg shells. And even if I’m not walking on them, they’re bound to crack regardless. Basically, for the all good I can talk about what we’ve had, I can equally talk all the bad that came from being with her, which for her privacy I will not go into details. I let it happen. Simple. Her personality brought out the negative side of me. The insecure side. The nervous side. The depressed side. The lonely side.

I felt she was never there for me, when I was at my lowest. When I was at the edge, hoping to find a reason to not jump, she was never there to talk me down. And yet, I was always there for her. For a good year and a half, I was her shadow. A shadow that made sure she was always fine, physically, emotionally, and mentally. So when I didn’t talk to her for days, like how we normally would talk, because she was playing a game with her ex-boyfriend and their friends, I simply asked, nicely, could she make some time for me to talk sometime during that day, doesn’t matter when as I had stuff on my mind.

“Hm, I dont know when I’ll be free.”

I lost it.

A game that’s in beta. A game that will most likely be replaced by another game in some years (or may even flop). A stupid, fucking game. I’ve talked to others about this and some try to reason with me that it’s the hype of the game, that I wouldn’t have been angry if she was busy studying for her med school exams.

No.

It is not the same thing. It’s a game. In beta. There’s 24 hours in a day, if I’m not allotted some fraction of time, despite asking, what am I then to her? As much as I am very liberal when it comes to connecting dots, there’s no real dots to connect here. I’m not asking her to stop playing the game for a whole day. And to her credit, she did eventually reach out when she had a 30-40 minute break (probably in-between gaming sessions).

And that was pretty much where I gave up.

Because I was never the first in anything substantial, despite I always put her in my plans. I gave so much and quite frankly, got back little. I sugar coated it back then, but not any longer. It was then I realized that this was a toxic relationship. Despite the laughter and time spent with each other, I was not getting the love I deserved.

Did I end it wrong? Yeah, I should have called her. I should have spoken to her. But I still would have wanted to be by myself. Because who she is now, is not a good fit for me. And quite honestly, her refusal to talk to me shows how little I meant to her or just a reminder how negative some parts of her personality can be. Because, after all we’ve went through, she can’t be bothered to talk to me one last time. All the things I’ve ever done for her.

Then I can’t be bothered to be depressed either. Can’t be bothered to regret. Because even after a week has passed, those voices are still not around. This was the right thing to do, even if the actions were flawed. I still love her. I care about her as a person. And maybe, we could one day be together, officially. But at least, I’d still like to be a friend. That’s still, really, the worst thing about all this is losing her as a friend.

It’s really a damn shame, isn’t it?

“For as brilliant as my light is, I don’t need someone to absorb it. I need someone to reflect it.”