Some say it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But I feel like that phrase was coined by someone who’s never lost someone they truly loved. Or ever felt the pain of not only losing, but giving that love away. Unwillingly. Gift wrapping it and watching it be opened by another man.

I’ve been part of heartbreaks before. Not a simple crush, puppy love disappointment or anything. We’re talking confidence crushing, soul destroying type of heartbreaks. Ones that have left me in shambles, tears, wishing I was anywhere but in my own body because nothing could stop the hurt. Not even hurting myself. Each and every time, I try to convince myself that I’ll learn from my mistakes. That I’ll learn from my experience, that it’ll make me stronger than ever.

So why stop now?

I fell in love recently with an exquisite being. There were so many signs telling me to not fall for her. She’s fed up with love, too. I just got out of a very toxic relationship. She lives on the other side of the planet. She has repeatedly tried to leave my life. The fights we got into were childish. She has the attention and reciprocates the attention of another man. We’ve tip-toed around each other. I walked on eggshells. We’ve played a game of passive aggressive tug-of-war with our emotions. She told me she doesn’t have those types of feelings for me.

And yet, I fell. Why?

I admit no wrong doing. I’m adamant about that. But through an unlucky series of events and circumstances, it boiled down to my actions, however innocent in my eyes as it could be, made her fall in love with another man. And I accept it. The odds were never in my favor to begin with. As usual, the cards were stacked against me. I’m not going to play the nice guy and say it was my fault. Because it wasn’t. I simply just… lost her. Or possibly never had a chance with her to begin with.

Time stood still. Maybe for half a second when it happened. Or maybe I just died temporarily and my senses simply just failed me.

But through her, through this experience, I’ve gained a better understanding of myself that I’ve never took notice, or accepted. That someone like her, of her caliber, even looked my direction, even opened a place in her heart for me. It doesn’t matter if that lot in her heart is now vacant. I used to live there. Rather than sulk in what I’ve lost, I’m going to keep my chin up and remember, instead, what I’ve gained.

Self respect. Self confidence. Self awareness.

I regret telling her I love her. Maybe at least, my actions weren’t magnified for her to look and over analyze until what she saw was a distorted depiction of the truth. Or simply, it wouldn’t matter anyways because we’re just friends. But I lost her even on that front. This is a hole too deep to climb out of. And maybe, this is how she buries us.

Just feels like a waste. Doesn’t it?

 

I used to watch you two from the side and at least my light caught your attention, from the corner of your eye. But now I watch you two from behind in the shadows. No matter how bright I shine, you wouldn’t know. At least, let my light illuminate the path you walk on, even if just but a tiny bit.