Tag: Thoughts

Wrong timing, right people

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Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about how we tend to form bonds with others. Difficult to quantify and probably impossible to even do so, I can’t help but try to. We’ve all been there: new place, new people, trying to find your friend circle, trying to find a place you can feel at ease and be yourself. You see folks with the same hobbies as you. Maybe you share the same ethnic background, the same political stances. Music and movies and anything of pop culture is also what we try to use. And yet, sometimes when we do find said people, they’re reluctant to welcome you in or just simply not interested.

But we aren’t entitled to their time and effort.

There’s such a finite amount of time in a day, and as we grow through phases of life, we tend to reserve that time for the people that we do care about. There simply isn’t any more room for any more guests. Nothing against you or them, no one is at fault, there just aren’t any vacancies at the moment. Some people have such enriched and full lives, some are still yearning to find said enrichment of their own.

And yet sometimes when you least expect it, a vacancy pops up and now you’re boarding, wondering how long the duration of your stay will be.

Then there’s the part of me that I thought had died, not wanting to ever feel the sharpness of that pain again. I tried to subdue it, and still am trying to. But Im happy. Im glad to feel this feeling again. I expect nothing out of it. But it’s the feeling of knowing that Im still capable of that emotion. It’s warm. It’s exciting, yet still scary. If love is what killed me, only love can bring me back. But I’ll need to be able to accept it, and also accept that I can still be killed over and over again. It all just takes one, right?

Even butterflies make graves their home.

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Sometimes, it’s just the very thought of the possible that’s enough. Even if something doesn’t sprout fruit, just the very idea of planting the seeds and hoping for the best is all you need.

Whether we entertain the idea that it could be possible or not, at the very least, it’s entertaining.

Isn’t it?

Hops

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And just like that, I jumped to my 4th company since making that leap of faith a year and a half ago. Not intentional but I can’t argue my salary increasing every time. Funny enough, my previous company reached out to me asking if I’d like to return and promised me an even higher salary. But it’s getting to the point where it’s not really about the money, but rather the people Im surrounded with. The heartbeat of the company matters, too. I used to think as long as I get paid, I’ll be happy but the ethical and moral issues I have with the company does bother me. At this point, my stress levels matter more than a slight bump. But I guess we all have our price point. If it allows me to take care of my mom so she’d never work again, I’d be foolish not to accept such an offer. As long as I can look myself in the mirror and am happy with what I see.

Imposter syndrome has been something I’ve been trying to cope with the past year. After all, being stuck in the same environment for almost a decade, it’s hard to see myself doing well when I feel what I do is easier than what I’m used to. Being seen as a SME in my new locale but not feeling it, I need to find that perfect balance between humility and confidence. But it’s just not me, and I know this feeling is the reason why I held myself back for years. Thankfully, I’ve met wonderful people who have been instrumental in getting my confidence up. Thanks to her, I joined a company full of wonderful people who have done nothing but help me and instill confidence in me.

Being part of a bigger group that you care about makes you want to improve. So I’ve finally decided to continue my Masters degree starting next semester. Even though several places have expressed their desire to recruit me and I’d probably get a higher salary, it’s my wish to help build and grow with this company. I have 7 classes left with my Masters and who knows, the world of academia is a potential, post-workforce avenue I’d like to explore, maybe get into research, look into a PhD and teach. But for now, getting my Masters, getting certifications for other platforms is one sure way to take my skills and prestige to the next level.

Not saying I’m now a gym rat but damn, I’ve got to give it to people that work out consistently. Thankfully my friend keeps me accountable. Im starting to get the hang of how to do certain workouts, got workout gear, those heavy ass Bowflex adjustable dumbbells and errthang. Im still chickenshit and too socially awkward to go to the gym by myself but luckily shes a gym rat so I go multiple times a week anyways. Works out (pun intended).

Still funny how things worked out. She was the first person I talked to after the move but never really got close with or talked to. And just like that, within a span of a year, she’s become one of the main drivers of the changes in my life and career. Introducing me to great people and a great company. The most social I’ve been ever and it’s thanks to her. She doesn’t understand how much I appreciate her and that she’s entered a very restricted club where I’d do whatever to takes to protect the happiness of her, her significant other and close friends and family.

There’s things still left that I need answers for but we can save those for next year.

Fix

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It’s sad that you can’t always give it your all. And maybe it’s because we’re sometimes drawn to people we feel desperately need someone like us in their lives, only to be dropped off once we’re no longer need. That we’re simply band-aids, something temporary in the grand scheme of things. But we hope, that this time it would be different. After all, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results.

Never is.

I’ve always said there’s such a limit to how much we can put in our bowl. Or who we plan to share the contents of our bowl. And yet, we tend to spill it to bowls that have cracks in it. We don’t account for the leaks because we feel we’d fill that gap. But in the end, it’s our very own bowl that starts to crack. But we don’t see it, as it starts from the outside in. Before we can notice, it would be far too late. Because we’d spent so much time pouring more into our bowl that we’re now exhausted, just going through the motions. Never stopping to realize and look for a fix.

It’s life. This is just how it is.

And it all started because our fix was getting our fix on fixing others and never realizing what broke the fixer is the fix in & of itself.

Playfully

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I’ve learned to curb my expectations. Not to say I’m completely cynical, but more like that even though I’m not religious, it feels like sometimes a higher being is pulling the strings of this comedic tragic play that I call my life. Front and center. And yet they all exit stage left.

Many of us may want to see the spoilers ahead of time. Is this worth watching? Is this worth being invested in? Who are the main cast members and who are simply episodic extras? Obviously we’re the hero right? Or possibly, we are our own antagonistic villains.

Are we in the third Act or are we still building up to what we’re destined for?

Lovely notes

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We take notes but are often offkey
Never in tune with harmony
The flatline hits a fever pitch
A quick waltz with the devil
Hope pulls our heartstrings
But also strikes a chord
In an established vacuum
Melancholic vibes still reverberate