She gave to me, a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it slowly and there it is. What could have been. It was completely her choice and I supported it. I’d be lying if I were to say it doesn’t ever run through my mind. I’ve had a couple dreams about it. And sometimes, I dare to think what would my life be if she had decided otherwise. Of course I’d do right by it. After all, up to that point, that was what I’ve always wanted….

What would its name been?

I’m surrounded by a lot of people who live a different life than I do. Every single one of them have beautiful relationships with their family. Some game, but not the type of games I play. They all have different beliefs and customs than I do, the prototypical American views of how you should live life. And yeah, I do envy them sometimes. It’s the very definition of normal, is it not? Just when, when did I diverge from the “American dream” or rather, the “Asian American dream”?

Was it when I defied my mother and made it known I did not believe in God? Was it when I got way into Anime and the gamer lifestyle compared to the in-crowd I was technically a part of,? I was never the most social but my personality was definitely enough to be in social settings. Was it when I was forced to commute while at college because my mother refused to co-sign a loan for me to stay on campus? Just when did I diverge from my day dreams back in middle school that before I hit this age, I would be married with a house, dogs, and a gorgeous garden for my wife?

And yet, here I am, playing my muse’s playlist, at 2am, and having these thoughts in my head. That, I am okay with the possibility of never marrying. That a future without a clear goal, is just fine. Thinking of several alternative lifestyles I’d be happy with. Is it because my heart is so tired of being ripped that it beats differently now? I’ve met people that I could honestly live together with, never in a romantic setting but in a way that, our lives would be fulfilling. This brings up a Hayao Miyazaki quote that I’ve once wrote about:

“I’ve become skeptical of the unwritten rule that just because a boy and girl appear in the same feature, a romance must ensue. Rather, I want to portray a slightly different relationship, one where the two mutually inspire each other to live – if I’m able to, then perhaps I’ll be closer to portraying a true expression of love.”

What’s fulfilling to me at this moment, is completely different from what I believe was fulfilling 5 years ago. I don’t feel as burdened, to live up to society’s expectations. I’m glad I met the people I’ve met in the past 2 years. There’s several places I would love to visit, just so I can meet them. I’ve looked at life in such a narrow view, partly because of the pressure my mother pressed on me.

I’ve learned to appreciate a different type of love. This love, of fully appreciating someone, not in a romantic sense, but loving their being and their sheer existence in your life. And this isn’t the first time I’ve felt this type of love, and I hope it’s not going to be my last.

And what kind of life do I picture now? What kind of life do I day dream about in between meetings? While waiting until my food is ready? While Im stuck in traffic?

Nope, no kids.
No house, as I kind of prefer a condo or apartment now.
No garden…

I fantasize being free. Free of burden. Free to accept whatever life gives me. But not because I’m sitting around and letting it happen. I’ll accept it on my own terms. Whether I’m alone or not…

If I’m alone, am I lonely?